11/11/2008
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This is my second cut for the new semester. My first cut in marketing class. My last for the whole sem.
My first day was very tiring. I got home with my eyes already half-closed (thank God I was able to drive home safely at that), two quizzes I’ve to study for for my Wednesday class, Celadon stuff, and a shaken spirit once again. I wanted to sleep it off right away but dinner and a certain SMS kept me from doing exactly that. After resting from dinner, a full stomach, I was prepared to get some zZzZzzZs already. I knew I should’ve slept right when I got home, at 6:57 PM to be exact. The certain SMS became even more complicated than I thought it would be. Why are you acting so dumb or on a kinder term, casual, about this? Are you really that innocent of what we’re actually talking about? Or were you just drunk from cola once again?
I wasn’t able to get the rest I needed. To add more pain to the suffering, my fever relapsed. Now, will you agree with me that it’s because of him? I’m not overreacting. I can keep cool about all this too but never use that term of endearment on me. Some relationships between friends can allow that but not ours. Ours is still on the path of patching up, and such a word is not appropriate.. yet. Besides, don’t you use that on a certain her already?
I want to fix things too. I wanted to fix things. I still do, I guess. But stop acting as if nothing happened. You made things complicated and now you’re acting as if it’s no big deal? I know in my heart that you’re not ready to talk to me yet, so don’t force it and tell me we have to talk, then back out of it when I start calling the shots, setting up the date and place. Tell me the damn truth. I deserve it.
Please, let’s just get this over and done with. Take a hint from Bob Ong, “Kung hindi mo mahal ang iasng tao, wag ka nang magpakita ng motibo para mahalin ka niya.” Don’t play with me, my heart, my feelings. If we really are friends trying to patch things up, the truth is always the first best thing to do.
“Alam mo ba kung gaano kalayo ang pagitan ng dalawang tao pag nagtalikuran na sila? Kailangan mong libutin ang buong mundo para lang makaharap ulit ang taong tinalikuran mo.”
What now? I’ve all the time in the world when it comes to you. I’m just waiting for you to approach me.
***
I’m sick of picking the pieces
And second-guessing..
I just need a little of your time
To say the words I never said.
-Little of Your Time, Maroon 5
Walang tigil ang gulo
Sa aking pag-iisip
Mula ng tayo’y
Magpasyang maghiwalay.
-Nakapagtataka, Spongecola
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11/10/2008
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Can we still be friends? Mandy Moore sings.
I used to believe we could still be friends. But I guess my friends were right. We can’t.
I’ve been such a softy with you. A smiley on a text, a nervous you. It makes me think there’s still hope for you. That one day, you’d change. I was so wrong.
All this time, I’ve allowed you to control me from afar. I gave no thought about it. I was willing.
Not anymore..
As what the prayer lady said a while ago, “Help us.. with the limitations of the past.”
You will no longer be a cause of my limits. This is the beginning of the real me. Back to the real me, I should say. The me who knows no bounds, who enjoys life, who enjoys being at the top — the achiever, the adventurer. The underdog I will be no longer. Back to the top, ladies and gentlemen.
I had faith in you. In our friendship. But somewhere down the path we used to walk on, you took a wrong turn. You abused me, I refuse to believe you used me, but everything suggests otherwise. I’m done being a butter for you. Softens in the heat. Call me a bitch, but that’s how I’ll be. No more giving in. It’s time to fight back.
***
Maybe we’re better off this way.
-Better That We Break, Maroon 5
11/09/2008
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I just finished watching another episode of Cold Case and it made me think about something: If I had to be buried in a place that meant so much to me, it would still be the soccer field.
***
I’ll bet you think this song is about you.
-You’re So Vain, Carly Simon
11/08/2008
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You look great too.
Not a single drop since I left. Since I chose to let you find your happiness. And I guess you did.
I’ve been wanting to hug you one last time. Hug you tight for one last time. I didn’t get to, the day I chose to let you wander off and find your own pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, and I’ve been hoping for a chance to get to ever since.
I finally got the chance I’ve been hoping for. Only, I was caught off guard.
We weren’t prepared for that. I know I wasn’t. I could see you weren’t. I knew you’d contact me soon, but yesterday wasn’t the soon we were thinking of. We weren’t ready.
I looked back. I didn’t realize ’til today. I looked back and I saw you walking away.
***
I seriously think I got sick because of our encounter. I wasn’t ready for it and I guess all the emotional boxes I’ve kept hidden for so long just came popping out, causing my body to manifest it physically. I blame your hug. But I blame myself too. I wanted you to be happy without thinking about its effects on me.
I’m to blame.
***
At the end of this road
I might catch a glimpse of me
..I’m still breathing.
-Sober, Kelly Clarkson
11/06/2008
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Today’s entry will be quite different. I was inspired by my sister to write down my very own 100 Things to Do Before You Die, and so, knowing I won’t be able to fill up 100 numbers tonight, I’ll be updating this entry from time to time to add stuff to the list.
This is not just some random list we’ve come up with. My sister has actually started doing some of the things on her list, meaning, this is something we’re taking seriously. I’ve realized that there are quite a few things I’ve said I’d do but haven’t really done because of various reasons and/or excuses. This time, I will definitely make sure I accomplish this, one way or another.
Don’t make fun of it, I’m serious about this. Here goes..
100 Things to Do Before I Die
1. Be married to a Chinese, because of love and no other reason (from both parties).
2. Be able to raise a whole, happy, God-fearing family of my own.
3. Get my family back together, happily.
4. Have a business of my own, a bakeshop perhaps.
5. Be fluent in Mandarin, Fookien.
6. Travel around the world — visit Taipei, Tokyo, South Korea, Beijing, Bali, Paris, Vatican.
7. Work out to make my abs come out. 😀
8. Get a CRV, Rav 4, or Escape.
9. Have my own mini library at home.
10. Graduate with more than just a passing mark.
11. Go on a date in a classic, real diner.
12. Read all of Nicholas Sparks’ books.
13. Read all the books on my list, not just those by Nicholas Sparks. (Books-to-read list will follow. :p)
14. Go skinny-dipping.
15. Be kissed under the rain.
16. Watch the sunset with a loved one.
17. Learn how to make xiao long bao!
18. Own a dog.
19. Dance in the moonlight, even if there’s no music playing.
20. Meet Zhou Yu Min and be able to converse with him in his native tongue!
21. Go back to China and study there for a semester.
22. Have a fridge full of Ben & Jerry’s and Haagen Dazs pint ice cream! Strawberry, Chunky Monkey, Macadamia, etc.
23. Swim in a lake(?) with a waterfall.
24. Overcome my panic attacks.
25. Go to church every Sunday.
26. Find and taste the best-tasting chocolate in the world.
27. Apologize to three of my high school friends.
28. Talk to him with no hard feelings or hurt.
29. Be on the Dean’s List. 😮
30. Get a copy of P. Sawyer’s wardrobe.
31. Be part of Celadon’s EB.
32. Get the complete, original DVD copy of all of One Tree Hill’s seasons.
33. Send my kids to St. Jude.
34. Play tennis once again. Real game.
35. Have my picture taken with a real penguin and pig. *big eyes*
36. Put up a shelter for battered women.
..to be continued.
***
It’s a chance we’ve got to take..
I try and try to walk away
I know this.. ain’t going away.
-Crush, David Archuleta
11/04/2008
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It’s been a while since I last updated. I’ve been too busy with school work and have just finished submitting my make-up requirements, only to find out they weren’t up-to-par with my professor’s standards. Thus, additional paperwork for me. Two more stories to write. It’s like I never left comm at all. Anyway, that’s not the main reason why I’m blogging. Something a little birdy told me is the real reason. But first, a quick recap of the week that has been:
- Went out most of the days last week with friends – Rockband, Tropic Thunder, Timezone, House Bunny
- Threw a surprise party for Diana
- Round Two with BBB/XTA at Anne’s
- Major screamfest with Mommy dearest
- AFICS party
About that little birdy.. That little birdy is actually Xianne. During our little get-together at Anne’s last Friday, she told me that he was leaving for the States. For vacation. I already knew that long before the break, when we were still talking. I didn’t expect it to push through though, with his dislike of traveling and going to far away places. All the hassle traveling brings, etc. I didn’t really care then. He blogged about it and I haven’t been checking my old account so there was no way I could’ve known about it anyway. Until Xianne told me.
Come Sunday morning, I opened Camino instead of Safari. I have no idea why I checked my old account. I remember changing its theme, that’s all. I guess I was supposed to check if anyone viewed my page and saw the new theme (it was a beautiful witch theme). That and the subconscious thought of seeing this certain blog entry in my inbox. But instead, my homepage surprised me. Lo and behold, the most recent viewer of my page was no other than him! I was very much surprised. I remember plurking about him not checking up on me for nearly six months, just a few days ago, and here he was now, viewing almost all the albums he hasn’t seen in the last six months! I was really in shock. At first, I just “saw” that he viewed my homepage on All Hallows Eve (even assuming it was a trick on his part). Then I “saw” him view it again the next day (Monday). He was viewing my albums as I was checking my account. Coincidence much?
I still couldn’t get over the fact that he viewed my account after nearly six months of total disregard for me and everything that concerned me. I started thinking about wishing him a safe trip but I couldn’t decide whether it was okay for me to do so or not. In the world of the superstitious, I would say I’ve seen a lot of signs which point to yes. A friend’s 2nd semester teacher whose name was the same as his, the octopus on the cartoon I decided to watch, the first line of the next song on my iTunes as I was asking for a sign. I asked my friends about it too, whether it was a good idea to wish him well or not. After hearing the first line of the next song my iTunes played, I clicked on his latest blog entry. Dammit! Why’d I click on it?! There’s no turning back now, either way, he’s going to see you viewed it whether you read it or not. Might as well read it. Okay. Might as well read it. But prepare yourself to be hurt. As Xianne mentioned earlier, he talked about his latest fling on the last entry. This might be painful. Deep breath. GO! An excerpt from his entry.
And the other is for that girl I’m still hung over. I’m not even sure if I can give it to her. She probably doesn’t remember me anymore, although I did make her promise not to… She’s probably with someone else right now. She’s probably way different. She’s probably way beyond me by now. But I still hang on to her. And I don’t know why.
It stings. Stings. ’cause it still does up to this very minute. Who is she? How many girls have you already had since I.. I left? How many of them were you serious about? Who is this girl?
All those questions swam through my mind. If she were someone from your past, does that mean I was never really in your heart to begin with? If she was from the most recent past, does it mean you got over everything that fast and have found yourself immersed over some other girl immediately? So many questions with no answers. I haven’t been able to wish him a safe trip too, because of all the thinking this entry made me do. I don’t think I’m really sad about it. I think I’m feeling this out of force-of-habit only. Since I was stuck in that feeling for quite some time. However, I think the confusion’s for real. Who is this mystery girl? She can’t possibly be that girl you hung out with during first sem. It couldn’t have ended quickly. You just blogged about her. So, who is this girl? Ugh. This is making my head hurt. I’m suppose to be sleeping now but I just can’t let this go yet. I just want to know. As Sel said, you can’t stop yourself from caring. I’ve no hidden intentions or agenda behind the why I want to know. I’m just curious. Plain and simple. I’ve started moving forward, even finding myself at a battle between liking or not liking someone who’s not him. This piece of information just gave me quite a shock.
There. I clicked it already. Have a safe trip 🙂 ? Real original. What else could I have said? Ugh. Anyway, whoever this mystery girl is (oh, looky. I missed the t in mystery spelling out mysery instead. Foreshadowing?) It’s over and done with. Time to get back to my life. To the present.
***
Have you ever loved and lost somebody?
Wish there was a chance to say I’m sorry?
-Have You Ever, S Club 7
when pigs & penguins fly.. 