Monthly Archives: March 2010

I can’t sleep. It’s funny how I used to complain about not getting enough sleep and yet I was totally okay with it because I somehow manage to get de-stressed when I talk to you. Now that I could actually sleep early, I still can’t. I feel sleepy, my head starts to hurt because of lack of sleep, I have to get up early — despite all that, I still can’t fall asleep as early as 9 or 10 in the evening. The best I got to was sleeping at 11:30, 23 minutes from now. 

I knew this was going to end someday, I just didn’t know it would end this way. It’s not the ending that bothers, it’s the before-the-ending that does. The reason I’m so burdened is not because it hurt. It’s because I’m still confused. I know things will change someday but why does it feel like it changed because something is wrong? And both you and I can’t pinpoint what that thing is. I’m still burdened by all this even if we managed to fix the "not speaking terms" issue not because we didn’t really fix it but because knowing that we’re good now isn’t enough. Yes, we’re okay now but why does it feel like we’ve grown apathetic of each other? We both feel that something is wrong yet we can’t explain what. I’m so confused. Sad. More confused. I don’t know. If we stopped talking as much as we did without this whole unexplainable air of weirdness, I would’ve been okay with it. People think I’m not fine because we don’t talk but not talking is fine with me. I have no issues with it. I’m not fine because I know that something is wrong while we’re not talking. Even if we did talk like before now, I still won’t be okay because I know something’s not right. This isn’t how we’re supposed to be and I feel bad for not being able to do anything. I feel so useless. So confused. So regretful of everything. Why is this happening to us? It took us three years to get to where we are in this friendship and it all goes away in a snap? I find it very difficult to accept that and yet I have the faintest idea of how to fix it. I don’t know what else to do. I just miss you.

"Pieces of memories
Fall to the ground
I know what I didn’t have so
I won’t let this go."