03/28/2009
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It’s been a while since my last update. I’ve been so busy juggling school, org, social and personal relationships all at the same time. I’m finally done but not free. I had my last exam as a junior student this morning but I’m not sure if I did good enough to actually be free from junior year. As I assess the year that was, I’m afraid and grieved to say that, it wasn’t a good one. Not academically, physically, and emotionally. The last year was probably my most troublesome year. My grades slipped from great to worse — I couldn’t think clearly, my priorities were set aside and I had no sense of fulfillment whatsoever. My physical health deteriorated as well. I was always sick and I fear that depression is starting to eat me alive. I’ve stopped taking my meds because of financial and circumstantial reasons (my mom having the prescription and even if I did have it, I wouldn’t be able to afford it and I wouldn’t want to bother my Dad with another expense.) It wasn’t really prescribed for depression but for my anxiety/panic attacks, but the meds were still anti-depressants so I think they would still have prevented me from suffering from depression. Bottom line is: The year that was, was the worst year of my life so far.
Now that senior year is just around the corner, I am relieved to be given the chance to finally start anew. I hope it isn’t too late. I want to make up for my grades. I seriously fear that my professors think that I am just one of those patapon students. I’m not. But I can’t blame them because that’s how they saw my work. I let all the my problems get in the way and create even more problems for me. Don’t tell me what I did was wrong. I know it was but if you were placed in my position, I tell you, it’s hard to be unaffected. No matter how hard I tried, the problems just ate everything in my life: my drive to work, to persevere, to do something that would actually give me some sense of joy amidst my troublesome life.
I begin this new life with a new house.
The past month, one of my uncles and aunts, visited from the States. Their stay was short (very short for my aunt) but sweet. I forgot how it felt to actually have a family. To actually have someone from your family care. They set-up the house I was going to live in, bought the things I needed (as requested by Daddy), and seriously, showered us, their nieces and nephew, with love. I never thought I’d actually appreciate kisses from my uncles and aunts since I am no longer a teenager but I actually do. And I miss them. I’ve been living a better family life with one of my uncles but this was the cherry on top. I actually felt that I had a family, more than just my uncle’s family here in the Philippines. I didn’t want to see them go because I felt like I was losing them when they do. I liked the feeling of having them around.
Now that the house is livable but not nearly done, some repairs and landscaping are yet to be done, I was able to invite some of my most treasured friends over to come see it. Even if I am starting anew with this new house, it doesn’t mean I am leaving behind the people who helped me survive. They made my house into a home with their presence and for that, I am very much grateful. More than you guys could ever know. Thank you.
My summer break has just begun and with the two weeks I’ve left before classes resume again, I wish to get my life back on track. Success begins this summer with histo and pol sci (I will conquer you with at least a B+, count on that!) Oh, and by the way, I wish you were there. No matter how difficult you made my life to be, you are one of those treasured pieces I used to have, who helped me survive. Despite your irrationality and insensitivity at times, you were one who understood. Who listened.
I really do wish you were there. Here, as I start anew.
***
Everyday is so wonderful..
So don’t you bring me down today.
-Beautiful, Christina Aguilera
Reply
03/19/2009
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It’s always gonna be there isn’t it? You and me?
It’s funny how we ended up this way but I like it. 🙂 Sometimes, friendships do last longer than love. And I’m glad I got a really great friendship out of our twisted past. Inuman na sa 28 ha? My place. Time to enjoy after a sem’s worth of crap.
***
Because I will never let this go
But I can’t find the words to tell you
I don’t want to be alone.
-Never Let This Go, Paramore
03/12/2009
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Note to self: Don’t pass through Faura back during Thursdays.
Better yet, DON’T LEAVE THE CAMPUS DURING THURSDAYS TO EAT. CAFETERIA FOOD IS FINE.
Today was just full of surprises. Had lunch with Anne, Franz, and Sel at Greenwich, where we saw “cool” kids. Smoking high school kids so, cool daw sila. *insert sick Plurk emoticon here* On our way back, SUPLIIIISE! Gaaah. *heart falls, rather, crashes down from my rib cage*
I wanted to see you, look at you, but somehow, I felt I had no right to. I’ve had my reaction planned from the very beginning, in case we do bump into each other. Apparently, I couldn’t put that plan into action. Everytime I see you, I end up like a turtle or a snail in the presence of a human: I end up hiding inside my shell. In human terms, hiding in your shell translates to, looking at your feet or the floor, as if they’re designed intricately that they’re worth staring at for 5 minutes. 😐 It’s true what they say then, be careful what you wish for. Just yesterday, I was telling Isa how I haven’t seen you for quite some time. Even if it were just your back. In my terms, that translates to, I wish I could see how you were doing. *sigh* Pathetic, I know.
Suplise #2
*heart crashes down from rib cage once again* Hindi pa nga nawawalis at na-gu-glue together nila Anne, Franz, at Sel yung puso ko, may nahulog na naman from my rib cage. Ano ba ‘yan.. Haaaay. Of course, I’m kidding. This second thing was a surprise indeed. It’s quite unsafe to mention the whole thing here since the web is pretty much a public place now. But this is all I have to say: GAH!
This day was just.. whoa! I still can’t quite get over the 2nd surprising thing we saw but, we’re just human. And life calls for it. We’ll see where this is headed. 😉 As for you, my pleasure and pain.. Oh, is this how we’ll always be from hereon? Is this how things will be ’til the end? I secretly hope not.
***
Tell me
Why do you have to go and make things so complicated?
-Complicated, Avril Lavigne
03/04/2009
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WARNING: This contains a whole lot of drama. Read at your own risk!
~*~
A lot of songs have been speaking to me in the last two days and ever since then, I’ve been in relapse. I’ve been seeing more of you when you’re not around. Strange, I know. Just today, I saw one of your cars again. No, no, no. Not your parked car. One on the road. That was the second time I saw one of your cars while I was driving. It’s kinda hard to forget. I know you know that.
Sometimes I wish I could just erase everything but we had good memories. Memories I wouldn’t want to forget. And I guess, these songs just help me remember those which I’ve forgotten. I want to forget but I don’t. I do but, there are memories I am very thankful for. I guess I don’t really want to forget. I just want to stop hurting so I find the answer in forgetting. Or trying at least. As I said, it’s hard. I know you know forgetting is hard because that’s precisely what’s eating you up right now. I can’t forget the memories I shared with you and you can’t forget the memories you had with her. I get it now. I pray in time, we both find peace from these memories that remain as they are. Nothing more as memories.
It is so easy to see dysfunction between you and me. I love you but I’m letting go. Nothing lasts forever.
Love hurts. But sometimes it’s a good hurt.
Take time to realize that I am on your side. But I can’t spell it out for you.
When I’m with him, I’m thinking of you.
What have I done? You seem to move on easy.
Being with you, is so dysfunctional. I know I shouldn’t miss you but I can’t let you go.
Best thing about tonight is that we’re not fighting.
How does it feel to know you’ll never have to be alone?
You tell me that you need me then you go and cut me down?
I wanted you to fight for me. I wanted you to say there’s no one else you could ever be with and that you’d rather be alone than without me.
-Brooke Davis
He’s chasing her, you’re chasing him, who’s chasing you? Nobody! Get it?
-My Best Friend’s Wedding
~*~
Next stop, the BIG question. When do you draw the line between professionalism and friendliness? I am so sleepy now and I don’t know if I can still manage to explain this properly. When does one draw the line?
I am emotional, everyone knows that. I have a hard time sticking to the business, more serious side of things I have to deal with. But when do I start drawing the line? I’m sorry for not being able to understand your side. I do understand the feeling but what I don’t understand is why all this is being blown out of proportion? The only solution I can think of right now is to drop that part of the job right there and then. On the day itself. I know it’ll be worth it, nothing should go in between friends but the question is, ‘til when will I keep sacrificing my professionalism for my personal life? Doing this will definitely put my name on the school’s bad books: the books that list the unprofessional. It’s fine. It’s just the school. But when it comes to the real world, the corporate world we’ll soon be entering, when do I stop?
As for my more human than human side, this question I ask. Why is this small thing becoming one hell of a big deal? Is it because it’s me? What if it were one of our other friends? Would you react the same way? It pains me to hear that all this is being blown out of proportion because I’m the one involved. Because it’s ME. I used to think we’ve built that trust bond between friends. Guess not. I could actually just drop this and be a bitch, not care for your feelings whatsoever and just do the job I was asked to do. But the thing is, I can’t. Yes, that’s my weakness. When it comes to people I care for, I can’t say no. I just want to be angry, I just want to let it all out and say how annoyed I am that this is what it is, but I can’t. I know I am in the wrong here for not being able to understand and I’m sorry. Truth be told, I think you know something more than I do that’s why you’re reacting this way. I won’t dig deeper into that anymore. I just hope someone knocks some sense into you one of these days and make you realize that this is just a job. Kung may iba kang nalalaman kaya ka nagkakaganyan, sabihin mo sa akin. Hindi ito maaayos kung ayaw mong ayusin.
***
You make me smile
Please stay for a while now.
-Bubbly, Colbie Caillat
03/01/2009
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Ano nangyayari sa ‘yo? Okay ka lang ba? I want to believe you are. I believe you are because you say you are and I believe you. But, your voice.. Something in your voice makes me feel that you’re not okay. Or that something’s off. What is it? Is it just me being too cheery? Maybe it’s just me not being used to your mellow voice? But we’ve been talking like this ever since God-knows-when. I know when you’re sad, or when you’re upset or annoyed, or when you’re being playful. But this time around, I can’t say. I think something’s off because your voice isn’t the usual “Hoy!” voice I hear from you when we talk. I don’t think you’re sad because your voice doesn’t sound sad, it sounds mellow. Hmm, I don’t know. It bugs me (?) not knowing? I don’t know. I really do hope you’re okay. I know that you know that I always have your back. This just bugs me I guess. Or not really bug, more of, makes me go “hmm..”
***
How did we get here?
-Decode, Paramore
when pigs & penguins fly.. 