Monthly Archives: January 2010

 Today was a good day. My first day as an intern. But before that, let me share how the day started.

With tears.

I woke up at 5 but thinking it was too early, I decided to sleep a bit more but woke up at 6:30 when I was supposed to be at work by 8:30. So, rush rush rush. I started rushing. Went to the other house to grab my "work clothes," which I forgot to get the day before. It needed some ironing. So there I was getting my Cousin’s slacks, a top, undies, when.. *cue music here* Then I saw a picture of you my best friend. I really did, I mean, saw a picture of us. Pictures of me and my best friends in college. I lost it.

So there. My day began with tears. Great. So much for my first day at work. Good thing the day went well, better, than it did at the start.

Anyway, I can’t be like this forever. Like what Mikey said, our friendship will find us again if it is as strong as I believe it to be. Though I seriously doubt it. Instead of trying to stop the tears from flowing, trying to act as if nothing happened and that I’m still that perky, flirty, happy Celadon girl, I decided the best thing I could probably do to help myself is to.. Write everything down..

As if I were talking to you.

That way, I get to let everything out without hurting too much. I’ve so many things inside of me, so many things I want to say and let out, express, yet I can’t seem to because I was used to. Gah. Nevermind.

Things will be better. Soon. I just need more time, I guess.

There’s nothing you can do to fix this if he did nothing to try and fix it as well. It’ll only continue to hurt if you continue looking back thinking he truly cared. Get up, move forward and think of it all as one magical dream where everything was beautiful and nothing hurt. You can’t keep hoping for things to go back to the way they were. That simply isn’t possible.

Suko na ko. Hirap na hirap na ako. Di ko maintindihan bakit ngayon pa, ngayon pa nagkaganito. Okay na sana e. Okay na tayo. Pero kinailangan talagang may mangyari pang ganito no? Hindi ko alam kung paano lulusutan ito. Masyadong masakit. Kahit anong sabihin ko, hindi ko lubusang maipaliliwanag kung gaano kasakit ang nararamdaman ko. Hindi ko rin maipaliwanag, kahit sa sarili ko, kung bakit kaialngang masaktan ako ng ganito. Pwede namang nawala na lang din ang sakit nung lumayo ako pero hindi. Lumala pa yata. 

Gusto ko lang mawala yung sakit na ‘to. Okay na sana ang 2010, wala nang sakit pero nangyari pa ito. Ayoko na. Gusto ko naman sumaya ng tuluyan, hindi yung may kapalit.

I am tired of pretending that everything’s okay when it’s not.

 There are so many things I want to tell you.

I miss you. Whenever something funny happens, I always wanna tell you about it. -Miranda Hobbes, Sex and the City.

Not just something funny. Whenever some thing happens, I always wanna tell you about it. You’re the first person I tell stuff to. No matter how low or big-a-deal, how funny or painful, you’re always the first person I run to and talk to. Not anymore.

That’s what hurts the most. I didn’t tell anyone the full details of my medical exam, of my interview with ABS-CBN, how it went, what happened, what I saw, how I got there, what they said, simply because I was used to telling you first and now I can’t. I saw something funny on the paper a week or two ago. I wanted to text you about it but I had to stop myself. On our way to ABS a while ago, we saw James along the way but seeing him was different now. I would usually text you about it, giddy like a child on her first pony ride, but things are different now. When I submitted all my requirements to the company, I couldn’t help but feel sad the whole trip. I would’ve probably dragged you along and you would’ve probably gotten so mad waiting with us ’cause I know you hate waiting. When I found out I got the job, that I was about to sign the contract, I felt so happy for the first time this year and again, I grabbed my phone to tell you but realized I can’t. Somehow, everything isn’t as complete and fulfilling as they used to be. Good or bad, I can’t seem to express myself fully, wholeheartedly. I guess even my head’s gotten used to letting you know first before anything else or anyone else. It seems that unless I tell you first about it, I don’t tell anyone about it anymore. 

15 days. ’til I break this habit, I hope.

But I am happy for you. At least I know you’re getting by just fine and that you’re graduating! I knew you could do it! 🙂

I don’t want to talk about it because I don’t know what there is to talk about anyways. I guess it’s either I just ran out of things to say or we finally have nothing to talk about.

Yeah, it sucks but that’s how things are now. Everything happens for a reason, whatever that shit may be.

***
There are many things that I,
Would like to say to you
But I don’t know how.
-Wonderwall, Oasis