03/27/2011
Simple instructions. Respect. Love.
I’m not one to count, to demand, to ask. I won’t give you a list of all the times I’ve helped you and rub it in. I won’t demand things from you. I won’t ask anything from you. I give without taking. I help without expecting anything in return. But when the time comes that you start taking advantage of me and my goodness, I WILL STOP.
This goes out to everyone I know. Friends, family, acquaintances, officemates, even lover. I am good as good can get. I am loving as loving can be. But when the time comes that you abuse that, I won’t retaliate. I won’t attack. I will simply stop doing good to you, loving you, caring for you.
I just graduated. I’m supposed to be happy and deeply thankful for finally finishing college. Instead, I am apathetic and distressed. Some of my so-called friends were big disappointments. They don’t deserve to be called "friend" by anyone. They deserve to be called liars. Manipulative bitches. Poor souls.
For years I have kept quiet about a certain friend’s lies. I have done the same for yet another friend just last year. Yes, silent. They think they can get away with all their lies but no one does. For years, I have been quiet about my own feelings (at least those that run deeper than what I choose to express) too. I can only be silent for so long and I can only hold as many secrets as what my heart and conscience can. Not anymore.
I am not that special, I know. But I believe I deserve much more than what I’m getting from you. You of all people. All those years you hurt me, unintentional or not, I have been quiet. Up until we finally found each other, I have kept my silence. Not once did I demand any form of payment or justice from you for hurting me all those years. Now that we’ve found each other, I guess I hoped too much.
I don’t jot down all the times I’ve been there for you. I never asked for any payment. I was happy doing what I was doing for you. Was it so difficult to give me a little respect? A listening ear? An attentive mind?
You don’t listen to everything I say, especially the little things. And the little things matter the most. You tell me you listen, you do everything I ask but when? When they don’t count. I am appreciative. Thankful for all the other times I asked you and you listened, you answered. But its during those difficult times, times that I want to feel like you care about what I say, that you fail me. Need I start comparing?
I needed you to listen. I didn’t demand for you to answer to my every beck and call but just be there when I need you. To listen when I have simple instructions. To make me feel as if I matter. The things I do matter. What I think or say matter. At least make me believe that they do. But no. I’m not like any of your girls. The girls whose every word you pay attention to. The girls you woo when they get upset or when you try to attract them. I’m not the rich, beautiful, smart, fair-skinned stereotype you’ll do everything for. I’m just me. The friend who’s always there when you need her but when it’s her turn to need just a little bit of your full attention, poof.
You don’t show my mom enough respect. You rarely listen to the things I have to say. Our relationship has become 99% sorrys and apologies, 1% anger management.
I am just a filler in your life. As difficult as it is for me to admit it but, I never got what I deserved. You never gave me the same attention you gave your ex-girlfriend. You never gave my family the same respect you gave her family. You never attempted to fix our problems the same way you tried fixing yours back then. I exist because it is convenient for you.
Not anymore.
I know what I deserve and what I deserve is a man. A man who will listen and pay close attention to every word I say, of every story I have to tell, of every request I may have to make. I deserve someone who will still give my family the respect due of them no matter how dysfunctional my relationship with them may be. I deserve someone who will prove himself to me when I start doubting. Someone who will show me the love I need even when I don’t need it. I deserve someone who will make me feel loved and special and will never ever have to make me feel like I’m not special. I deserve a man who will treat me like a lady not a slut.
I deserve a man who will love me and show me how much he loves me more than I love him or show everyone my love for him. I deserve this kind of man because I know I will give him all the love I have and all the love he deserves. All my support, my help, my care.
I’m tired of being a martyr. All my love, support, care, attention will be directed to someone who will gladly show me the same without me having to beg for it.
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03/18/2011
More often than not, arguments begin because Person A did this or did that. Or so I believe. It was never me but he/she.
I realized that it was not always the case. I’m not a war-hungry freak or a conflict magnet. I don’t feed on starting arguments or discussions. Looking back, I’ve come to realize that some of these arguments and conflicts I face are brought about by my twisted thinking. I’ve been caught in several disagreements with past boyfriends, sometimes friends, because I believe that what I think should be, really is. The way I believe things should be, should be, even if they aren’t. If I believe the sky should be blue, it should always be blue. If I believe that milk can take away gas pain, then milk can do that, don’t even think about arguing with me. Recently, I’ve been having overblown fights with my boyfriend/best friend. The cause/s? He’s stupid. He should’ve realized that I wasn’t or am not *insert thing/s he should/shouldn’t have done* Sometimes, the fights come from feeling bad or sad, slowly evolving into my boyfriend being inconsiderate or stupid for not knowing what to do or not doing what he should do. Almost everyday, sad/angry messages are sent. I’ve always wondered why we keep on fighting. Why he doesn’t do or doesn’t know what to do and then I think of all the things he has done but it never is enough. I still wonder why he can’t or won’t do the things I know he should to avoid the same conflicts over and over again.
It’s not him. It’s me.
Thinking about the fights, the disappointments with the perfect Chinese boy I’ve been in love with for five years now, I realized that it’s me. I depend on my beliefs or wants being satisfied to be happy.
Exhibit A:
Ex-boyfriend #1: BRYAN
Even if I was clueless, innocent of how it was like to have a boyfriend, my idea of how a relationship should work or be, got the best of us.
"It’s my birthday, where’s the surprise?" "We’re eating out. Why am I paying?" "He knows my position in school, why isn’t he working hard to be as smart or at least, smart enough for me?"
I’m the girl. I’m supposed to be the one visited, brought home, treated but why not me? Why am I the one visiting him, surprising him, buying him the things he told me he wanted?
Exhibit B:
Ex-boyfriend #2: MIKEY
Despite his near-perfection, smart, good family background, cute, and possesses a vehicle, he still missed some marks with me.
"Why doesn’t he pick me up from class?" "Why doesn’t he hold my hand all the time?" "Why can’t he fight for what we had?"
He was the boy of my dreams, my Prince Charming. The one who saved me from terrible heart ache but why can’t he do these simple things?
Exhibit C:
Boyfriend/best friend
"Why can’t he think outside the box?" "Why can’t he try to find a way?" "Why doesn’t he do or give things, which he knows will make me happy?"
Everytime we argue, it’s because of my stupid, impossible expectations. I get upset, I think, "He’ll fix this tonight. He knows I’m mad." Instead, he sleeps it off, hoping I would feel better the next day. I see fruit salad on the way home and tell him, I think, "Oh, maybe he’ll surprise me with one when I get home!" Instead, he’s either A) waiting for me with the sentence, "Aww, you want fruit salad?" Instead of just surprising me with the fruit salad itself or B) he won’t even be at home waiting for me. I think, guys are supposed to make their girls happy by at least trying to give them what they want. Maybe I just give him too much love that he can no longer think of what might actually make me happy.
Everyday, it’s the same. It’s as if conflicts and arguments are a must to survive the day. He’s a boy, I’m the girl, I think, "He probably got my hint." "Oh my god, he’s going to surprise me with that avocado I’ve been craving for all day!" But I always end up brokenhearted. He never gets the hint, I don’t get what I want 95% of the time (unless I tell him or I crack, shouting at him for being inconsiderate.)
It really is sad, having to live with this everyday. I want to get rid of all the expectations to avoid conflict but then I realize, why should I? I think I’m entitled to a few things that would make me happy. The anger strikes. Why do I have to give up my expectations, why can’t he just fulfill them? He loves me, doesn’t he? Why doesn’t he think?
It’s me, isn’t it? It’s my fault I feel sad, disappointed and mad. I expect too much and it gets the best of me. Right now, I feel hunger but my anger overcomes it. Thus, the sudden surge of text. I need to write. I just feel so sad, disappointed, and angry that I am nearly brought to tears. I haven’t had the best of days in a while. This day was no different. Add that to the fact that I was tired and feeling sick, I wanted some fresh lumpia since I decided to sacrifice my two other rice meals every Friday. I never got it. Shallow as it may sound, it wasn’t the cause of my hodgepodge of a feeling right now. It was because all my boyfriend could say was, "Let’s get it. Let’s go." But we never did. Because it was followed with "I think may meat ‘yan." He wasn’t even sure. He didn’t even know what kind of fresh lumpia we were bound to get at this restaurant we were supposed to go to. He knew I was tired that’s why I decided to just go to this nearby resto instead of Goldilocks (where their fresh lumpia was surely made of pure vegetables because it was made of ubod). But that was it. All he said was it had meat. How does he know? Has he eaten fresh lumpia in that place? If fresh lumpia had meat in general, how sure was he that their fresh lumpia was not lumpiang ubod? Or if it were really fresh lumpia, why not go to a nearby Goldilocks and get me their fresh lumpia, which was all vegetable?
It may seem too much but I’ve never demanded anything from him. I don’t tie him on a leash and prohibit him from going out. I don’t ask for gifts. I don’t ask him to pay for my meals or carry my stuff (unless I have to pick something up form the ground or tie my laces). I never asked for anything. I was tired and hungry, trying hard to fight the urge to eat rice. All I wanted was the effort, at least. I thought he’d gotten the hint, at least. Maybe he thought that a simple treat would make me feel better. But that was just it. A thought. He never was one to think about what would make me happy. He stopped trying with me. When we weren’t together, I’d tell him about how much I wanted a poppy seed muffin and voila! I’d be surprised with one. Personally delivered. Maybe it is just me. Maybe I expect too much. Maybe I do have a strange, twisted way of looking at things. But then again, I ask. Do I really?
It wouldn’t hurt thinking about someone else once in awhile, instead of yourself all the time.
when pigs & penguins fly.. 