Monthly Archives: November 2008

I was a former ASEC member, a current Celadon manager, and I think everyone knows how interested I am in learning about the many different cultures in the world. Then again, I’ve only been a member and manager. I still need more experience if I am to dive into this much responsibility and yet the list was so enticing. Besides, I am already planning to run in the upcoming EB race of Celadon. Speaking of which..

I just submitted my CUP registration form in COA a while ago. I spent around two hours in RSF finishing it, filling up my leadership related experience, achievements, positions. Okay, not because I have a lot to list but because I didn’t know which amongst my volunteering can be considered or categorized under the leadership experience category. I asked for Diane and Isa’s help (thank you, guys!) and despite the help they’ve given me, it still took me an extra hour finishing it because of my lack of words in describing each. It was as if I couldn’t find the right words to describe the position or job I had/was doing. Still, praise God for helping me finish it before the deadline. The only thing left waiting for on this table is whether I get accepted or not. *crosses two fingers* Which brings us back to..

The COA Step Up! (I finally know what it is, haha.) I was just reading their most recent update to find out what they call this event I’ve been talking about — the one with the sign-up sheets. They’re looking for people who want to be part of the COA Central Board next year.

STEP Up! is an understudy program designed for aspiring COA officers who wish to have a better understanding of how COA leads its 47 organizations. Smooth Transition and Empowerment Program (STEP Up!). Sign ups are along EDSA Walk. Sign Ups are up from November 19-28. Hurry and be part of this year’s understudy program! Get to know what the council does FIRST HAND!

Four Main Activities:

1. Recruitment:

a. To have at least 2 strong candidates per position for the STEP Up 0809

b. To properly orient the understudies on COA and the STEP Up 0809

Amidst the boredom, the overflowing or lack of excitement in my life, the controversies, you somehow brighten my nights without me knowing/realizing right away. Now that I have, I just had to say it.

This date will always be cherished and kept in my heart and memory as long as my heart and mind can. Every beginning has an end; every first, a last; bitterness for sweetness.

I actually planned to stay in school later after my dismissal at 4:30, to watch the sun set in the soccer field and maybe find some enlightenment. Maybe the solitude, being in the field and the beauty of the sunset might help me think things through, once and for all. But I didn’t. I wasn’t even in school. I decided to take the day off as I’ve mentioned earlier in blog entry 1 of 3 and finish school stuff here at home instead. I wanted to visit the place where it all began, see it in that way one last time (hopefully), but I didn’t. I don’t know what happened. I just decided to stay at home and see how things will unfold from here. So far, nothing new has happened. I’m still cramming school stuff, feeling sleepy, eating. Though I’ve noticed that I’ve been thinking of it less and less now. The memories. Throughout this day, I think it crossed my mind twice only. Yay! 🙂 And I didn’t ponder on it for long.

I know things will be different now. The unresolved issues were the only problem and now that they aren’t “unresolved” anymore, I can spend more time on things that are beginning to matter to me, and things that already do matter.

I just woke up from my afternoon nap, thanks to o-Mama for calling and wanting to speak with either one of her daughters and my sister, for being asleep too. Thus, elderly duties forced me to rise up and answer the call. I make it sound so sinister, haha. Anyway, I’m still on a high and as I’ve mentioned earlier, I feel very much inspired to write. It’s all because of LDP. I’m planning to submit something for Chinoy, related to this whole thing, and if it’s good enough, just watch out for it. Note: Knowing me, don’t expect something about the LDP. More of, something because of LDP.

But, since what I had originally planned was to make it my 2 out of 3 blog entry for today, I will include a short excerpt of the whole thing in here. An excerpt from the idea that’s been swimming in my head since yesterday.

***
A life you don’t live is still lost..
Just be who you are
It’s all that we need in our life.
-Before It’s Too Late, Goo Goo Dolls

We moved from Faura to the benches after Diana did the exact opposite of what I told her to do: “You’re both not okay.” If someone kept track of the number of words I said during the whole talk, it would probably result to around 175-200 words only. I couldn’t bring myself to get mad at him, maybe because all the anger I had inside of me had already been exhausted the day before, thanks to little mushy. So I kept quiet most of the time, answering with only a YES, NO, or I’m okay. Until..

I exploded.

According to him, it was my fault. The day I decided to let him go, he thought I had already replaced him, because of my friend’s boyfriend whom I bumped into before meeting him. He was left alone and had no choice but to grab hold of whatever he can. Thus, her. When I explained how I just bumped into this guy as he came out of the bathroom, he then tattles about how many boys I’ve had. Boys from my Chinese community group, I quote, whom I was always with. Some of which he even saw made akbay. He asked me if I knew how it felt, how hard it was for him to see. That’s when I went ballistic.

How hard it was for you? For you? I’m not the one canoodling with some girl in every part of the school. We had an agreement to tell each other. Did I tell you anything about a guy I was seeing? What about you? I looked stupid in front of my friends, in front of people I don’t even know, because you failed to tell me about her. Now tell me who had a harder time? The girl who looked stupid and was alone; or the guy who was canoodling with some chick in public, claiming how he was alone when things ended?

He said he waited for me to do something but I didn’t. I didn’t because I was following what he wanted. To move away from each other for a while. To not reply because he wasn’t ready to talk to me yet. It made me think if things could’ve been better had I decided to not follow his request and continue speaking with him. Then again, it’s all over. We can never bring the past back and do everything differently.

So here we are, at present, trying to salvage our so-called friendship or whatever’s left of it. Is everything okay? I don’t know yet. I can’t say for sure. Maybe I’ll know after we hangout again (though I’ve no idea how that’s going to happen). The only thing that was cleared to me after this day was this: I was holding back because of my issues with him. What that means, you’ve to find out for yourself. :p

I’ve thought about this countless times. Maybe this is just payback for pushing him over the edge last summer. He’s got the right, she doesn’t. She’s a mere sabit, in all this. A saling ket-ket.

It’s been a while since a friend, or someone, has seen my evil side. And when I say evil, I mean evil, with a capital E. Friends I’ve met in college or high school, have no idea how much of a bitch I can be. Ever saw Mean Girls? I was like Regina George, Queen Bee bitch. The nice, sweet little girl everyone knows now is a product of years of molding and forming and experience. I’m not proud of my past, for it is something one can never be proud of, yet someone seems to want to meet this certain past.

Background:
This someone sure doesn’t know how to talk/gossip about people. Piece of advice, dearie? When talking about someone, make sure you don’t look at him/her obviously after gossiping about her. Better yet, gossip about her when she’s NOT around. *rolls eyes for someone’s stupidity*

Mind her, she DOES NOT want to see my other side. But if she continues provoking me, she will definitely have her wish granted and personally meet my other side. You have no idea who you’re dealing with, mushy.

UPDATES

He sent me another SMS last night. It was so timely. 😮 It’s like he can sense when I’m awake and asleep. I had just woken up from a nap when.. Where is she? B and Serena? And who am I? That’s another secret I’ll never tell. XOXO, Gossip Girl. Bam! I receive his text.

It wasn’t needed. It just made me more annoyed, irritated. Is he really innocent of everything that’s been going on? What kind of a question is, “Are you mad at me?” Shouldn’t he know the answer to that? He tells me he’s the one waiting for me. Waiting for me to what? He’s the one who can’t talk to me yet but wants to talk now. Then he calls me sweetie all of a sudden? Just like that? As if we haven’t gone through anything? What was that all about? Ooh.. What about him knowing I’m not okay but is so clueless when it comes to whether I’m mad or something? Ugh. Perhaps the worst is, I, trying hard not to be my sweet self to him, only to let my ego be ridiculed and stepped on by him. Great.

I don’t know if everything will turn out fine this Friday. I’m scared, unprepared. I don’t know what to say or if I should say what I’ve thought of saying. I’m scared of finally crying for the first time, in the worst possible place: in front of him. I want to let go of everything, expose everything, but I’m so scared of looking like a fool, a pitiful fool in front of him. I just want to get this over and done with. I’m tired of getting hurt, of running away, whenever I see him. I’m tired. Just so tired. I just want to be.. fine. To be me once again. I want to stop being/looking like the loser. I want to be a winner this time around.