If there’s been one constant in my life, it’s Him.
I never wrote about this until, well, today. I haven’t cried about it either. I guess I’m at a loss for words on this one. The best way I can describe it is in the form of Celeste. For those of you who know Celeste, I think you can skip this one. But for those of you who don’t, read on.
Celeste married her best friend but things didn’t turn out well. She eventually got divorced but it made them happier than when they were together. But then her ex-husband got some other girl pregnant, and had to man up. Celeste was left in disbelief, and was forced to deal with the fall out, losing her best friend, and moving on, alone.
I guess what hurts the most for Celeste was not when she hoped, believed, that this person was eventually going to “man up” for her. It was when he chose to man up for someone else. I’ve always felt that losing a friend was more painful than losing a partner because your friends are what you have when your partner screws you over. They’re the ones who get drunk with you, who set you up for a good night to forget all the shit you’re going through at the moment. I remember asking my high school crush who he’d choose if he had to — the love of his life or his friends. I was ready to answer, “YOU!” if he had asked me back but his answer shocked me. He said, “I’d choose my friends. ’cause when this girl fucks me up, my friends are the ones who would have my back.” From then on, I chose to value my relationship with my friends more than the potential loves of my life. I guess that’s why it hurts me more to lose a friend than someone I could hold hands with.
But what happens when you lose both? When you lose one and the same person? I never really thought about it that my mind goes “croo” when the question comes up. I don’t want to go through the same motions Celeste did. I don’t want to live in regret, in pity, in sadness. I don’t want to meet someone great and eventually turn my back on him because I’m not ready. I just don’t want to do anything at all.
That’s when I realized I really don’t have to do anything. If there’s one thing constant in my 25 years of existence, it’s that God has always been there for me, even if I wasn’t always there for Him. I’ve been through a hell lot of worse and He has always pulled me through. There were times when I literally felt like dying, like my soul was slowly easing its way out of my physical body, when I feel a sudden nudge and everything feels real again. I don’t have to do anything. I will get through this, He will me pull me through, and life will be more exciting and beautiful than ever.
when pigs & penguins fly.. 