Gus was waiting at home with a lemon poppy seed muffin! *reallybigunexplainablesmile*
When I opened the door, I was surprised to see three people in the living room: my sister, my brother and Gus. I had to rant for a bit (snippets of the failures we had during the trip) then that’s when he threw a white paper bag at me. With a muffin inside! A lemon poppy seed muffin! I’ve been wanting to buy one at Starbucks but I just a) didn’t have enough money; b) too full to eat something else; c) bloated from drinking. Imagine my surprise and joy seeing both the muffin and him (he’d been up as well throughout the whole trip, making sure we were safe).
Here’s a picture of the muffin (what’s left of it, at least.) :p
I am lucky to have and love my best friend.
When my Uncle called to tell me the bad news, I was apathetic. Unfortunately, I was suffering from fever and body pain and a hacking cough. I was physically immobile and my mental capabilities went on hiatus. It was only after nearly a week that reality hit me. Condolences through e-mail and in person were pouring in. Lolo was really gone.
The first thing that entered my mind was, “I wasn’t able to give him a great-grandchild.” My sister and I, being the eldest among the cousins, dreamed of the day when we both could introduce our children to our grandfather. We didn’t get to spend a lot of time with him, except maybe, two years ago when he and Lola visited the country. He’s been living in the States since 1969 and we’ve only seen him twice. One in 1994 and the next, in 2008. Despite the lack of time together, all four of us (his grandchildren left in the Philippines) were very proud of him. He was a journalist back in the Marcos regime and well, I guess, despite my family’s dysfunctionality, there was one thing my siblings and I could pride ourselves in: we got our grandfather’s gift of writing.
A few days after this sad news, I received another one. Tita Jean, one of my grade school best friends’ mom, passed too. She’s been battling cancer and last Wednesday, she finally got the rest she wanted.
My siblings and I were supposed to get an emergency visa application so we can pay our last respects to our beloved grandfather. It was during that hectic week of gathering requirements that I realized, I may not be able to go back to the life I have here in Manila. “When you realize how much time you truly have left, the risks are no longer risks.” I began thinking about the possibilities and impossibilities in case this pushes through. Will I be able to see my friends again or will I be starting a new life there? I was so scared, unsure of what to do, what I want. I was never a big fan of change but gladly, that’s been settled. Though not permanently, at least for now it is. Even if that has been dealt with for the meantime, two deaths still made me think.
If you knew how much time you had left, what would you do?
Both deaths were tragic and sad. It left a hole in my heart, especially my grandfather’s death. I was really hoping we would see him there, alive and well. I guess there was a different plan. But it made me realize how life can end unexpectedly. If mine were to end suddenly, would I be okay with it? Would I have done everything I would’ve wanted to make my life on earth worth it? Full? Alive?
I had to experience losing someone completely, forever, before realizing I didn’t like the way I was living. I won’t hold back on everything I can experience and do now until the day when I find out I might not be able to do any of them anymore.
I started living life again.
To Lolo, I love you. Thank you for teaching me to live again.
I think love died the moment jealousy set in. Yet I can’t help but wonder if it really did. Amidst the trouble and confusion, I feel like I’ve grown. We’ve grown, separately. That’s a good thing, right? Being able to grow separately? I still think love is nowhere to be found in my heart now, ever since all the shit started happening. I know what love is and it is not any of the following things I did and feel. The question is, what is this now?
when pigs & penguins fly.. 