Monthly Archives: November 2009

When I sat in the bench where we started the night, I thought about that very night where everything changed. Where my whole life changed. I sat down for a good 30 seconds, staring at the skyline, the sunset, taking pictures of the field, until I realized — I couldn’t feel anything, anymore. I stayed there for another 20 or so minutes, trying to feel if something, at least something, would happen. Something did happen. Mosquitoes started biting me. That’s when I got it. It’s over. I just don’t feel anything anymore.

Met up with Diane and Gus afterwards for dinner and a random round of drinks. I couldn’t believe I wasn’t feeling anything anymore. No pain, no hurt, no sadness but there was no joy or love or hope either. I was a robot. I knew I made some realistic decisions on how I want to run my life, without any form of romantic love, but not feeling any kind of emotion was kind of startling. I felt like a robot for the first time. Diane kept asking what was up. I wasn’t sad but I wasn’t happy either. I just.. am. That was how our night ended.

Coleen. A robot.

When I woke up this morning, I was so scared. The dream I had was so real. It was so vivid. It was REAL. My friends and I, mostly BBB, were seated in a long table, eating. I could see all of us from a camera’s POV. Someone was taking our picture or video, one by one, and as it was taking each one of my friends’ pictures/videos (I’m not really sure if what I saw was a picture being taken because we were all moving still after), I saw them happy with The One. They were all able to capture the hearts of the one they were longing for. I didn’t see the faces of their beloved but I knew they were all happy. Then, I saw me. No one was seated beside me and I was texting. A waiter approached me and asked if I could stop using my phone (in all fairness, I think we were in a fine dining restaurant, BBB). I did and then I looked at my left, Coleen’s left. No one was beside her. There was an empty seat beside Coleen and someone. I couldn’t remember if it was Franz or Anne. Then I woke up.

When I woke up, I was so scared. I felt scared and anxious. I felt restless. I wanted to go back to sleep and continue the dream, see where it leads. But I couldn’t anymore. I don’t want to be alone. Yes, I told myself I don’t want anything to do with any boy anymore but after waking up form that dream, I just got so scared. I realized I don’t want to be alone. I never did. I’ve just been so scared of letting people in again and end up in pain. But this is worse. I don’t want to end up alone. I don’t want to be alone.

Ever heard of the saying, "Sometimes, people put up walls not to keep others out, but to see who cares enough to tear them down"? These walls were put up to keep people out. Because I’m so tired of waiting to see who will be brave enough to tear them down. Waiting is hard when you have nothing to wait for. Because I’m so scared of falling in love again. I’m scared of opening up to another potential heartbreaker.

But what if circumstances confuse you? God wants her to know that.. your task is not to seek for love, but to seek and melt all the barriers within yourself that you might have built against it. God loves you with the very air that you breathe, the very light that touches your skin, the very ground that supports you. Love is everywhere — melt your barriers and you will have love in abundance. What if I put my walls down again? Will I really have love in abundance?