Yesterday was supposed to be a special day. It would’ve marked our 2nd year anniversary, had we made it. Last year, I avoided the day by avoiding as many places and circumstances that would’ve reminded me of you, of me, of us. This year, I decided to revisit the place where it all began — the soccerfield. I prepared myself for what might’ve been a crying-fest of some sort or perhaps a tiny tear drop, a regret here and there, a few raindrops. But no. Our expectations are definitely always, always far from reality.

When I sat in the bench where we started the night, I thought about that very night where everything changed. Where my whole life changed. I sat down for a good 30 seconds, staring at the skyline, the sunset, taking pictures of the field, until I realized — I couldn’t feel anything, anymore. I stayed there for another 20 or so minutes, trying to feel if something, at least something, would happen. Something did happen. Mosquitoes started biting me. That’s when I got it. It’s over. I just don’t feel anything anymore.

Met up with Diane and Gus afterwards for dinner and a random round of drinks. I couldn’t believe I wasn’t feeling anything anymore. No pain, no hurt, no sadness but there was no joy or love or hope either. I was a robot. O_o I knew I made some realistic decisions on how I want to run my life, without any form of romantic love, but not feeling any kind of emotion was kind of startling. I felt like a robot for the first time. Diane kept asking what was up. I wasn’t sad but I wasn’t happy either. I just.. am. That was how our night ended.

Coleen. A robot.

When I woke up this morning, I was so scared. The dream I had was so real. It was so vivid. It was REAL. My friends and I, mostly BBB, were seated in a long table, eating. I could see all of us from a camera’s POV. Someone was taking our picture or video, one by one, and as it was taking each one of my friends’ pictures/videos (I’m not really sure if what I saw was a picture being taken because we were all moving still after), I saw them happy with The One. They were all able to capture the hearts of the one they were longing for. I didn’t see the faces of their beloved but I knew they were all happy. Then, I saw me. No one was seated beside me and I was texting. A waiter approached me and asked if I could stop using my phone (in all fairness, I think we were in a fine dining restaurant, BBB). I did and then I looked at my left, Coleen’s left. No one was beside her. There was an empty seat beside Coleen and someone. I couldn’t remember if it was Franz or Anne. Then I woke up.

When I woke up, I was so scared. I felt scared and anxious. I felt restless. I wanted to go back to sleep and continue the dream, see where it leads. But I couldn’t anymore. I don’t want to be alone. Yes, I told myself I don’t want anything to do with any boy anymore but after waking up form that dream, I just got so scared. I realized I don’t want to be alone. I never did. I’ve just been so scared of letting people in again and end up in pain. But this is worse. I don’t want to end up alone. I don’t want to be alone.

***
I’ve been traveling on this road too long
Just trying to find my way back home
The old me is dead and gone
Dead and gone.
-Dead and Gone, T.I. feat. Justin Timberlake

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