If there’s been one constant in my life, it’s Him.
I never wrote about this until, well, today. I haven’t cried about it either. I guess I’m at a loss for words on this one. The best way I can describe it is in the form of Celeste. For those of you who know Celeste, I think you can skip this one. But for those of you who don’t, read on.
Celeste married her best friend but things didn’t turn out well. She eventually got divorced but it made them happier than when they were together. But then her ex-husband got some other girl pregnant, and had to man up. Celeste was left in disbelief, and was forced to deal with the fall out, losing her best friend, and moving on, alone.
I guess what hurts the most for Celeste was not when she hoped, believed, that this person was eventually going to “man up” for her. It was when he chose to man up for someone else. I’ve always felt that losing a friend was more painful than losing a partner because your friends are what you have when your partner screws you over. They’re the ones who get drunk with you, who set you up for a good night to forget all the shit you’re going through at the moment. I remember asking my high school crush who he’d choose if he had to — the love of his life or his friends. I was ready to answer, “YOU!” if he had asked me back but his answer shocked me. He said, “I’d choose my friends. ’cause when this girl fucks me up, my friends are the ones who would have my back.” From then on, I chose to value my relationship with my friends more than the potential loves of my life. I guess that’s why it hurts me more to lose a friend than someone I could hold hands with.
But what happens when you lose both? When you lose one and the same person? I never really thought about it that my mind goes “croo” when the question comes up. I don’t want to go through the same motions Celeste did. I don’t want to live in regret, in pity, in sadness. I don’t want to meet someone great and eventually turn my back on him because I’m not ready. I just don’t want to do anything at all.
That’s when I realized I really don’t have to do anything. If there’s one thing constant in my 25 years of existence, it’s that God has always been there for me, even if I wasn’t always there for Him. I’ve been through a hell lot of worse and He has always pulled me through. There were times when I literally felt like dying, like my soul was slowly easing its way out of my physical body, when I feel a sudden nudge and everything feels real again. I don’t have to do anything. I will get through this, He will me pull me through, and life will be more exciting and beautiful than ever.
Nowadays, everyone is in a rush, and I mean rush, to find someone to cuddle with, be with, and hold hands with. Where are the days when boys and girls took time to get to know each other deeply before saying ‘I love you’ to each other? No, make that, before they get into a relationship? Today, a meeting, a simple text message, sometimes even a hello, is enough to start a relationship, to make one utter those three words. Gone are the days when it took men and women months, years, to get to know each other. Now, people start and end relationships as quickly as they change their clothes. And we all know most of them don’t end up the way they expected to.
So I thought about the Top 5 reasons why you shouldn’t be so eager to get into a relationship, or a new one.
5. Your ex has a new boy/girl.
Just because your former flame has moved on, doesn’t mean you should get it on with someone new too. You have to deal with your break-up first, try to take some time to fully grasp and understand what went wrong with the first one, before jumping into a new one. Do you really want to start something new without understanding why the last one didn’t work out? Let me rephrase that. Do you really want to jump unprepared, into the unknown, with the possibility of getting your heart broken AGAIN? I didn’t think so.
4. You haven’t moved on.
I know most people can attest to the fact that the only way one can really move on is if he/she found someone new. The hopeless romantic in me would like to believe this, that someone new, a prince charming, could save my broken heart. But the truth is, only YOU can save your broken heart. No matter how many guys and girls you try to hook up with, fall in love with, and be with, unless your heart has really moved on — forgiven, forgotten, understood, you will never be able to enjoy and give your best to that someone new. So save yourself and this innocent person some heartache. Move on before falling, again.
3. You have responsibilities/other priorities.
If you cannot prioritize your relationship, don’t get into one. Don’t be a selfish bastard/bitch. We get into a relationship because we love each other. And loving each other means being each other’s priority. Some people have all the time in the world for each other, but it doesn’t mean they prioritize each other. Others don’t see each other often, but they are each other’s priorities. The worst is, not having time for each other and not being each other’s priority. So before you throw yourself into another relationship, think about it. Can you prioritize this person? Or is he/she just another time/loneliness/boredom killer?
2. You have mommy/daddy issues.
Never use another person as a daddy/mommy substitute. If you have unresolved issues with your parents, don’t take it out on another person. A boyfriend or girlfriend will NEVER fill in that empty space your dad or mom left. If you think a boyfriend or girlfriend will make that sadness mommy or daddy caused go away, think again.
1. You feel alone, unhappy, incomplete.
“Fall in love when you are READY, not when you are LONELY.” So what if all your friends are getting engaged, getting married, etc. You shouldn’t find love just because everyone around you has found theirs. Love isn’t just about taking the loneliness and unhappiness away, and it isn’t about completing you too. Whether or not you are with someone, loneliness can creep in. Unhappiness can set in. No human being can ever complete you. Don’t depend your happiness on another person. It never works. You know it.
So if you’re a lonely, problematic, busy bee, don’t get into a relationship. Don’t ruin someone else’s life just because you’re unhappy with yours. Get into a relationship if you are mature enough to handle it and prioritize it, not because you feel sad and alone.
We don’t really need Thanksgiving to remember all the things we are grateful for. Waking up to a brand new day is enough reason to remember these things. But for those of us who are too busy, we have been given Thanksgiving Day — a day where we remember all the blessings and trials we’ve received and be thankful for them.
Because we don’t really have turkeys in the country, unless you consider the imported frozen ones as Philippine turkey, let’s just call them giant chickens. And since Giant Chicken Day is coming, what are you most thankful for? Here’s my Top 6 Things I am Most Thankful for.
1. Faith.
This year was a very trying and difficult year. Things that happened in the past are still finding their way into the present, haunting and trying to drive me crazy. But throughout all the crap, and bull I’ve had to go through this year, I am most thankful for my faith. I don’t think I would’ve survived this year without God and His never-ending faithfulness. He kept me sane when everything else was driving me insane. He never forsook me, despite all the craziness I did. He was there when no else was anymore.
2. Love.
As I’ve mentioned, this was a very difficult year. And one thing God blessed me with more was love. I am thankful for all the love people close to me have showed. Good or bad, near or far, possible or impossible, they were there. I will always be thankful for my Dad’s faith in our family, even if there’s nothing to hope for anymore; Gus’s unending patience and understanding, even if I sometimes turn into the bitch-from-hell; Isa’s presence, even if we rarely see each other; and my siblings’ support, even if we express it in unusual ways. I’ve never felt so much love in a long time. Of course, I am also thankful for those who always have my back, who will fight ’til the end with and for me. You know who you guys are. 🙂 And I guess for my mom, for trying to be a better parent.
3. Work.
This is the first time I can actually say I love my job! I’ve never felt more fulfilled, happy, and excited. I found the respect, care, and work-conducive environment I’ve been looking for! Our boss is great. My co-workers are great (I didn’t get the, “You’re Atenean, why-are-you-here-question”). My students are great! (I actually learn a couple of things from them too.) It isn’t perfect, but I’m glad I ended up here.
4. Time.
I’ve been with my family for 23 years, and with Gus for two years, but it seems like I never had enough time to spend with them. This year, I’m thankful that I finally got to go on a real vacation with my family after many years, and that I was able to spend a stress-free, relaxing trip with Gus.
Now for the less important (but still important) things that I am very much grateful for.
4. My soon-to-be-named Mac.
I’ve waited so long for this laptop. After Mr. Zhu died three years ago, I never stopped wishing for a new one. I had to wait a couple of years to get the better version, but hey, it was worth the wait. Sometimes, I still can’t believe I have it already.
5. A red watch
I got it for our anniversary, and even if it wasn’t the brand I wanted (ahem, ahem Gus) I still love it! I used to think big watches would make me look stupid, but I thought wrong. Thank you, buffalo fluff!
6. A better fashion sense and make-up skills.
This is something that may sound shallow to others, but I am very much thankful for my new found sense of style (at least I know I dress and look better now). I finally learned how to “beautify” myself, mix and match, and use accessories and bright colors. I guess you could say my self-esteem has gone back to its normal level. 🙂
So, what are you thankful for?
I have learned, rather, re-learned that when all hope seems to be gone, if it’s meant to be, God will swoop in to make it happen.
Last 17 September, I attended Celadon’s annual Mid-Autumn Gratia celebration. The traditional dice game was also part of the night’s celebration so after dinner and the announcement of the 2nd batch of winners, the games began. I love playing the dice game because no matter how small the prizes are, the feeling of winning something, makes me feel giddy! But contrary to what I was expecting, this year wasn’t MY year. After several rounds, I only ended up drinking spiked tea (with vinegar not alcohol) because I kept getting the lowest of rolls. THe prizes started to disappear one by one and I still haven’t won anything. Finally, after n rounds, I finally won myself a calculator! Yes, a calculator! I got to throw four fours and that meant a calculator, flashlight or pouch but since the prizes were already disappearing, I was left with nothing but the calculator. Then again, it didn’t matter. I finally won something! Several rounds passed and I was hoping to get something else, another thing. The ham maybe or a stress ball, anything! Three people were already fighting for the highest of highs aka zhong wan, which meant a USB flash drive and a headset but I didn’t want to join them anymore. Any one of the other prizes were already okay for me. I won again, this time, a pen. The pens were the last one to go and everyone was starting to feel impatient since there were still three pens left before the winner of all winners could get the prize. But then, something totally unexpected happen.
I threw the dice.
Four sixes.
It took a couple more rounds before the pens were taken and that was it.
Zhong wan for me. I WON.
I remember being stunned after the facilitators and my co-players told me I beat the current zhong wan holder. And after all the pens were won, that’s the only time it sunk in. I won. I won. I got the top prizes! O_O
That’s when it hit me. No matter how hopeless a situation may be, if it’s God’s will, He will do something about it. Imagine the chances of me still beating the dice my other co-players threw. What are the chances of me still throwing four sixes at the last minute?
Oh well. I really needed the headphones. It was a reminder and a blessing in disguise.
when pigs & penguins fly.. 