It’s been a while since I last posted an entry. So much has happened in the past couple of weeks, I barely had enough time to update my blogs, but I guess all the work didn’t stop my brain from thinking too much. In between working, and learning, my mind has made it a habit to think about other things, mostly things that are supposed to be buried in the past. It’s a war in there. One belief, one principle, trying to defeat another. Even I confused myself with which to believe in.
We all believe in different things. We have different belief systems, principles, most of which stem from our own experiences. My belief system was challenged the past five, six weeks. A speck of doubt could ruin even the strongest of beliefs. Wow, I sound serious. But I’m not, really. I just need to let all these things come out.
I wasn’t one who believed in the idea of loving someone for how they physically look. Ever since I found out what the word “crush” meant, in the prepubescent language, I’ve never found myself deeply attracted or attached to someone with a “face.” I’ve always been attracted to someone’s handwriting, communication skills, sob story (yes, pathetic, I know -_-), personality, and ancestry (this is where my love for everything Chinese kicks in). But rarely do I really, “fall in love” with someone handsome, cute, or hot. I don’t think I’ve ever, actually.
What I did believe in was becoming friends with your ex. How can you two “not” be friends, when that’s how your relationship began in the first place? Unless you were both drunk, and unaware of your actions. Kidding aside, I found no harm in becoming friends with an ex. I was a never a fan of letting friends go. As awkward as it may sound, getting to know an ex’s current, wasn’t a big deal for me too. Why can’t we all just be friends, right?
But that’s where the line blurs, at least for me. I have no problem chit-chatting with a boyfriend’s ex, and I for one stand by the saying, “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder,” but I can’t seem to understand these two things when it comes to a certain “past.”
It’s with this particular person that I can’t apply these two things I’ve believed in long ago. When it comes to them, Person A + partner, I just find it very difficult to believe that beauty is indeed in the eye of the beholder. Yes, for a person with low self-esteem, I couldn’t believe how they came to be. I am definitely prettier, I used to say. How could she get him? Belief #1, CRUSHED BY ME. The fact that I couldn’t understand/accept how they came to be automatically crushes Belief #2. I would never, ever talk to her. Even if it meant something to Person A.
I still cannot understand how he liked her. She’s probably smarter, okay. But smart doesn’t nurture a relationship, especially with his level of emotional needs. And I simply cannot imagine myself chit-chatting with her, even if she were the last person on earth. See the blurring of the lines?
If it were any other person, there would be no question as to where I stand. I never was prettier than of my boyfriends’ (past and present) exes, which is why I strongly believe in that saying, and I definitely did not find any harm in meeting/chatting with their new ones. I actually enjoy meeting them and getting to know them (I’m still a romantic deep down, and love stories will always fascinate me). But it is with this person that I am left hanging somewhere in between.
EGO.
That’s why. Even if I was prettier, smarter, more affectionate than her, it will never change the fact that he sees her differently.. And I did NOT approve of how/what he sees in her. I just don’t think she’s showing the “real” her, and him believing her over what I noticed was just an ego-crusher.
No matter how I look at it, how many different examples or scenarios I use, it simply was an issue of ego. I will never come to terms with being replaced by such a girl — a girl I do not find fit for a boy like him, nor will I ever consider, imagine, or even dream of getting to know her. Not today, not in a million years.
I guess this is what others call “the double standard”. My legit exes will always have a place in my heart, and I will always want the best for them. She just wasn’t.
Finally got that out of my head. Whew.
when pigs & penguins fly.. 