I’ve been feeling and acting so unlike Coleen. The past few weeks, the hopeless romantic/emo/boy-gaga person everyone knows me to be seems to have disappeared into thin air. Or gone into hiding. I’ve been so hooked on all my academic requirements and friends that I seem to have forgotten about my desire to be taken, again. Strange. *
big eyes* However, the weekend changed that. I think I just relapsed. The past weekend was so terrible I thought I was falling into depression. I didn’t feel like doing anything, I didn’t do anything. I didn’t want to get out of bed, I didn’t. I didn’t want to leave the house but I’m glad I did.Wonderful things happened over the weekend and I feel horrible for feeling terrible. I was very happy with all the news I heard and I don’t understand why I felt so terrible afterwards. 😦 I finally learned to appreciate my being single and realized that being single was my choice. It was never, “
There aren’t any boys out there.” It had always been, “I’m just not opening my heart to them.” I just didn’t open my heart to those who were willing to give me love but I eventually learned that it was what I wanted. But then, loneliness creeped in. It came like a thief in the night and caught me offguard. I suddenly felt.. empty. It was as if all the love I have inside of me was slowly drained out of my system. At least the feeling was. But weren’t we taught that love was never a feeling?If love was a feeling, then I can sadly say that I no longer love you. The feelings are all gone. I get hurt but it’s not me but my ego. My pride. But I know love isn’t a feeling. It’s a choice. And up to two days ago, I began to doubt my love for you. Because I began to look for the feeling. The feeling of being so kilig at the sight of you, of hearing of you, of just feeling pure bliss whenever I think of you. But all these were gone. Fortunately, I got a hold of myself. I know I still love you because I chose to love you. Despite all the crap, the pain, the hurt, I still love you. I love, not love
d, you enough to let you go. Remember?The whirlwind weekend that was made me realize quite a few things. I’m okay, I’m fine being single, mingling and having good times with my friends with no restrictions whatsoever but I was also reminded that fun can never always compensate for the feeling of loneliness. I was a very vulnerable person a few months back and just because I’m better now doesn’t mean I’ve overcome and defeated loneliness. It can still come by uninvited from time to time and when it does, I must be prepared. Second, I still do love you even if I think of you less now and even if all the feelings are gone. But, I’ve also realized that it’s about time I open my heart to the other opportunities that are presented to me. I can’t be like this forever and if I don’t start opening up to other people, I could stay stuck like this ’til I grow old, which will be a very, very sad future. :O So, I’m glad (?), maybe glad is too strong a word to describe how I’m feeling. Let’s just say I feel good for actually realizing that I think I am opening up to something right now. This isn’t a forced one, okay? That’s why I feel good about it. It came naturally. I’m not saying I’m interested or that I’m falling once again (those two apparently haven’t happened for quite some time now), I’m just open, finally open, to the possibilities. Wow, this entry ended well. Hahaha. I thought this would be another emotional entry *
eeeeck!*I used to be love drunk,
But now I’m hungover
I love you forever
Now it’s over.
-Love Drunk, Boys Like Girls
As if I could do that forever.
I finally admit that I’m in purgatory and I don’t know how to get out. Should I grab on to you and let you pull me out, despite the already messed up cycle we’re in? Despite the repercussions? The secrecy?
Nothing to lose but everything to gain
Reflecting now on how things could’ve been.
-September, Daughtry
Screw this. All the jealousy is getting annoying and yet I can’t stop it. I’m so scared of losing you and I have no idea, not even the slightest idea why. Daaaaaamn it! I’m not pissed at anyone else but myself. I don’t want to feel jealous or annoyed or irritated at someone for no apparent reason. I just want answers. I’m tired of feeling this way. It’s eating up a lot of my energy and I just can’t deal with that any longer. I still have my thesis to attend to, my love life to sort out, and my future to worry about. I don’t need and want another whatchamacallit to stress over.
I just let love go to waste.
-This Time, John Legend
Hindi ako ma-pride pagdating sa pamilya. All these years na sinasabi ni Mama na busy siya para mapakain kami, ako ang tumutulong sa bahay. Pag may kailangan mga kapatid ko, kahit ako pinapagalitan ni Mama sa paggamit ng credit card, okay lang. Sa pag-asikaso sa bahay, tinanggap kong trabaho kasi nga naman, malaki na ko. Pag walang ulam, ako tumatakbo sa grocery o nagpapabili ng pangsahog sa tindahan pag wala pa si Mama. Nung nagka-boyfriend ako, tinanggap ko lahat ng sermon ni Mama dahil feeling niya kulang pa boyfriend ko dahil walang trabaho tatay nung guy. Tama naman si Mama. Nung sinabi ko na mayaman na lalake na nga hinahanap ko kasi naintindihan ko point niya, ang sabi naman niya: Wag kang hahanap ng mayaman. Dapat yung marunong sa buhay para kaya kang buhayin. Don’t choose someone who depends on his parents. Dahil pera ng magulang niya yun. Pano kung mawala yaman nila at di siya marunong sa buhay? Paano ka? Well, guess what? Kinain ni Mama lahat ng sinabi niya. Kala niya kung sino siya magsermon, e siya mismo hindi sinusunod sermon niya. Yung kuya ng kaibigan ko? Wala nga trabaho yun ever e. Sa tatay lang nila umaasa dahil mayaman talaga. Talk about Mom and her sermons. But that’s not the case. Mahal ko ang nanay ko. Kaya ko kainin pride ko pagdating sa love. Alam yan ng lahat ng kaibigan ko. Pero sarili kong pamilya, hindi alam. Bakit? Si Chock, masyadong bata. Si Chick, palagi wala sa bahay. Kung may babalikan man ako, mama ko babalikan ko. Yung nag-aalaga sa amin, pinaghahandaan kami ng baon at kumakain kasama namin. Hindi yung babaeng kasama nila sa bahay ngayon. Yung walang alam gawin kung hindi pumarty at makipagdate. At magyayaya lang kumain sa labas dahil may date na kasunod. Hindi kami props. Kung sila Chick, feel nila props sila, ako hindi. Matagal kong sinubukan ayusin pamilya natin.
For 6 years, I’ve been praying for a miracle. For something to happen. For me to get my family back. Pero hinde e. Sarili kong kaibigan na may alam nung tungkol dun, pinaglaruan buhay ko. Sa bagay, hindi rin naman magiging ganito kung ang mommy pa namin ang kasama namin. Nung umalis ako sa bahay nung paskong yun, tanggap ko na na wala na talaga ang mommy ko. Na it’s time for me to grow up, be an adult who will soon have a family of her own. Akala ba nilang lahat madali buhay ko? Kahit wala ako sa bahay, inaalala ko mga kapatid ko. Kahit na hindi ko sila maasahan most of the time, lalo na si Chick, pag lumalapit sila sa akin for help, hindi ko pa rin matiis. Madalas nag-cocommute na lang ako kapag umuutang sila sa akin ng pera para mapagkasya ko budget ko for the month. Hindi na nga ako pumaparty e. 20 pa alng ako, dapat nagpapakasaya pa ko habang nag-aaral. Pero hindi. For almost 6 years din, ang laki ng tinanda ko. Natuto ako mag-manage ng bahay, mag-aral, at siguraduhin close kami ng mga kapatid ko. Natigil pag-party ko. Minsan na nga lang ako pumarty, nabawasan pa lalo. Wag pride isumbat niyo sa akin. Matagal na akong nagtitiis sa ganito. Sa pagkawala ng nanay namin. May hangganan din namin pagtitiis ko. Kung wala rin lang naman ang mommy ko sa bahay, ba’t pa ko tutuloy dun? Mas mabuting mabuhay na nga ako as if wala na akong nanay. Pareho lang naman, ako pa rin gumagawa ng lahat.
Hindi nila maintindihan na mommy ko ang gusto kong bumalik. Ang magpapabalik sa akin. They were too busy with their lives to actually see who our mom was. The mother who took time to look after us and care for us, check up on us and cook for us, buy us vitamins and bring us to the hospital when we got sick, despite her busy schedule at work. Not the mother who accuses us of being pregnant just because we have stomach aches, or brings us out to lunch just because she has another affair to attend to. I want a mother. OUR mother. NOt some lady who’s only a mother by label. Proud na proud ako sa mommy namin dati kasi siya yung ideal mother sa pamilya mo dahil maalaga siya at maasikaso. Pero ngayon, kahit hindi nila sabihin, nararamdaman ko na pati sila Lolo at Lola napansin kung gaano nawala ang pagiging nanay niya. Kung gusto niya talaga maging single simula nung naghiwalay kayo, dapat sinabi niya. Kaya naman namin mabuhay na tatlo. Hindi yung nagpapaka-nanay siya kuno. Unti-unti lang niya sinaktan puso ko. Akala ko dati lalaki lang makakagawa sa akin nun dahil pag nagmahal ako, malalim talaga. Pero hinde. Sarili kong nanay, unti-unting inubos kung ano man natira sa puso. Imbis na siya magbigay ng pagmamahal sa akin kapag sinaktan ako ng lalaki, baliktad e. Mga naging boyfriend ko pa nagbigay ng comfort sa akin dahil kay mama.
Mahirap man ngayon, at least may natutunan ako. Kahit anong mangyari, hinding-hindi ko hahayaan na masaktan mga magiging anak ko dahil sa akin.
when pigs & penguins fly.. 