Monthly Archives: December 2008

Anyway, I wanted to talk about something I got from House. Yes, after ages, I’ve finally gotten the chance to catch up on my series favorites, one of which is, House. It’s about something Cameron said in her conversation with Wilson.

“You think you’re making a rational choice. You think the worse is over. And then six months later you look back and you realize you didn’t know what you were doing.”

“Are you saying the pain doesn’t go away?”

“It gets easier. Not in to months. Not in two years. But no. It never really goes away.”

“Being here — this building..”

“I saw a guy wearing a scarf this morning. The color reminded me of his eyes. We lived 500 miles from here.”

“I have to do something.”

“Then do it. But don’t think it’s the right choice. Because there isn’t one.

I’ve found myself in a more emotional state right now than one, two, three, or even four months ago. I find myself crying more often now than in the past. Be it because I’m reminded of something, or just because something on TV is making me sad (dramas, reality shows, whatever stuff’s on). I’m the type people see as “someone they can see crying” but no one outside my family has ever really seen me cry. Heard maybe, and that was just one person. But no, I don’t like crying. The family members who’ve seen my cry are the only ones who’ve seen me in a very furious state for I only cry when I’m really, really, really angry. But now, the slightest of things make me teary-eyed. The color reminded me of his eyes — this is something that would only make me reminiscent. But now, something like this brings me nearly to tears. Ever since this whole family issue blew up, I’ve been such a crybaby. Dammit! Going back..

It never really does go away. Sometimes you do feel a lot easier than the first time, but the pain, it’s still there. It never goes away. Not even for Christmas.

That’s what the second to the last Simbang Gabi message said. Don’t be afraid of letting go.. I think most of last sem was spent on holding on simply because I was too afraid to let all the good memories go. I was so scared of letting it go, thinking that by doing so, all the good memories I shared with him would go away too. I lost him, and I didn’t want to lose all the memories I had with him too. For three months, I wouldn’t let go. Every tiny detail that would remind me of something wouldn’t go unnoticed. Every date that had been was remembered. Every kulitan spot would always be stared at for a couple of minutes, even if I were only passing by.

Don’t be afraid of letting go.

I’m not anymore. The memories were great and truly unforgettable. But letting go doesn’t mean the memories have to go as well. These memories are now a part of me and even if I do let go now, they won’t be going anywhere else. The only thing that would be going would be the hope of going back to the time when these memories were. And I think that’s the one thing that must surely go now.

There’s nothing wrong with hoping for things to go back to the way they were. But if deep inside you know hoping will remain as what it is, it’s best that you learn to just let it go. Because in hoping for the hopeless, we might just pass by another hopeful waiting to be found. 😉

I do not come from a rich or well off family. My family is just blessed enough to make ends meet. But somehow, I feel like one of those few rich kids who wished they weren’t so rich. Those who, despite being financially okay, feel so empty inside. I don’t know if some of you have seen one of those movies wherein rich kids feel bad for being rich simply because their parents have no time for them anymore that they’d rather live with the poor parents of some street kid they’ve met just to feel loved, but that’s kind of how I feel. Okay, that’s an exaggeration but that’s how they do it in the movies. I hope you get the point.

Though we are just blessed to make ends meet, I can say that we are way better off today than we were 8-10 years ago. Our house is definitely bigger and more spacious now. I get to drive my own car, go to a prestigious university, own all the necessities a stereotyped Atenean would — cellphones, iPod, laptop and a cam, as compared years ago where we only had one car and no driver. And yet it seems like we were more well off in the past. Despite the one car we had, and the times my Dad would pick me and my sister up, commuting, treading chest-high floodwaters (I am not kidding or exaggerating — shobe even fell into a manhole along Aurora Blvd. once because of the high floodwaters when we didn’t have a car yet), it feels like we were more well off before. During those no car, flood times. Why, you ask?

It was during those times when I remember my parents coming home with a 36 pc. Faber Castell Watercolor Pencil set for my home economics project (where I needed to draw borders since we didn’t have a computer back then) even if we could hardly afford it, when my siblings and I would go with Dad to pick our Mom up from the office and eat balot while waiting, when Dad would allow us to cut school and bring us to the mall to watch a movie and eat out, when our family would go out every Sunday after church — to eat lunch or have merienda in the sort of “food fest” located in the now-famous Greenhills tiannge (yes, before it was filled with bags, shoes, wallets, it was a strip of different Filipino cuisine food stalls), make pasyal and go fishing in the center of the Greenhills square (where the different plant vendors are now located), or go to National Book Store to buy some school stuff and sometimes, just some fun stuff we want like crayons and coloring books. And now, I do have my own car, own several pairs of ridiculously expensive slippers, have not one but two phones, and yet our family rarely goes out to have a simple lunch together, my siblings and I constantly argue with our Mom when it comes to money matters, and buying school books is becoming a problem for my shobe and I (thank God I don’t have to buy books all the time). Sometimes I wish I could just go back to the time where I didn’t have all these things but my family and I could afford to go out and have lunch, even if it were in Luk Yuen only.

After thinking about the same question my friends have been asking me since last week, I think I finally know why I couldn’t answer. It’s not that I didn’t have an answer. I guess my mind just didn’t entertain the idea that’s why I thought nothing came to mind. All this time, all I’ve wanted was to have a family. Was to have my family back. I’m not much of an expressive person when it comes to my family that’s why I didn’t realize it was that thing I was wishing for all along. I’ve been hoping for things to turn out okay, for everything to be fixed. Unfortunately, it has only grown worse.

I think my heart is more broken now than ever. It’s still supposed to be in the processing of healing the little cracks that haven’t fully healed yet from last sem’s, but I think my heart can’t patch those little cracks up anymore. It has been pounded so hard that those little cracks have completely disappeared. What makes it worse is that I never imagined for it to be completely smashed up by the people whom I thought cared and loved me unconditionally.

I’ve seen friends who are currently dealing with almost the same problem as I. Our problems may not be completely the same, but the pain is just as intense. People whom we thought we could trust and count on, became the very people who would give us such agonizing pain and suffering. It is from this experience that I conclude that.. the most broken of hearts are not caused by apathetic, bastard lovers, but of those whom we thought we could run to when these jerks hurt us.

I guess I didn’t wish for anything this Christmas precisely because I knew it wouldn’t be granted anyway.

P.S. Thank you for ruining my already broken family. You deserve a big round of applause.

We attended mass.

I remember it was just last Thursday when I was expressing my jealousy over Favian’s friend who attended mass everyday with her boyfriend back then, before they broke up. I’ve always wanted to go to mass with him, even if we were just friends then. It was something that would’ve meant so much to me had it happened. But the first time we had a chance to do so, we were separated. I stayed with Lienne and her friends, while he stayed with his. I saw him at Gesu but he was with his friends so I decided not to approach him anymore, even if we did talk about going together. He, on the other hand, did not see me. After that, we weren’t given another chance of attending together. Things fell apart. How could we still attend mass together, now that we weren’t even speaking to each other?

I think I mentioned about my breaking down last Monday. It was over some family issue but I found myself telling Isa how much I wanted to hug him after crying for an hour or so on the phone. I was crying because of anger, pain, and whatever reasons I can’t think of right now, over that still existing family issue, when I started thinking about him and how much I just needed him. He was online for some hours then, which I think was also a factor for my sudden desire to see him. Isa encouraged me to text him, but I was so scared of doing so. A lot of questions hindered me from pressing the SEND key, like, ‘What if he doesn’t care anymore?’ or ‘What if he doesn’t reply?’ or ‘What if it was just for formality’s sake that he told me I could still text him whenever I had problems?’ After a while, I just did. Message sent.

He didn’t reply. Yet. I felt stupid for sending the message when suddenly, my phone beeps. He had just arrived from mass, that’s why. He asked me what was up. I told him I wanted to see him.. To check up on him. *face palm* So I won’t appear, uh, needy. He bought it, saying he was still sick. And with that, I ended the conversation with a ‘get well soon.’

Still hung up on yesterday’s happenings, I sent him another message come Tuesday morning. To meet up. I knew he wouldn’t reply. I was expecting he wouldn’t. But he did. And he set to meet after his class. Long story short, we met up and talked.

Come Thursday morning, and I mean morning, he sends me a message asking if we could meet up again, same as Tuesday’s. And we did. We were both better then. We were laughing more, talking more (though there was a point wherein I started to feel irritated when he mentioned what happened to him and that mushroom), just being giddy more. After our time, he and Diane met up. Then we all met up when Diane saw Gus and I walking near Xavier Hall. Talk, talk, talk. I felt a bit weird and uneasy though, because he was acting pretty strange. This is the part where Favian and I talked. Yes! We saw Favian and Nox too, and they both spent some time with us on the benches of RSF.

I cut all my classes last Friday for my unfinished Chinese histo paper but went to school after I did, for Heights’ book launch. Well, what do you know? He passed by. *remembers to hang Xianne* He left soon after but came back to see Diane, who was late (what’s new? Haha). So we ended up talking first. Diane arrives, they leave. Diane returns so we (Xianne, Sel, Diane, and I) can have dinner. Two missed calls. From him *big eyes* In Xianne’s words, “Bakit ba praning ka?” I asked him why he called but he didn’t reply anymore. Which brings us to yesterday’s interesting, very interesting happenings.

He replies at nearly midnight, asking if we could go to the JEEP integration thing together and maybe have lunch before. I said yes, which starts the interesting, oh-so-interesting Saturday afternoon I had.

We met up at Leong, where some of my friends saw us — some grinning, some wondering, others just clueless. I did have my own share of grinning when Nox and I saw each other. *winks at Nox* During the integration, there was this student speaker who reminded me so much of him. The spacing out, the dazed look, the funniness, all reminded me of him. That’s when I realized how much I really missed him. After the integration, we had mass.

I enjoyed the mass. It’s been a year or so since I last went to church. This was the first time I listened intently to the sermon of a Catholic mass. And I really enjoyed it. Though there were some pretty awkward moments during the service: The priest was sharing some thoughts on Christmas, since Christmas is only a few days away. Then, he mentions some people’s wishes this Christmas.. Those who wish for this and that, those who wish to FIND A LOVER *mental face palm* And he just had to mention that. Would he have if he knew former lovers were actually seated together in a mass he was officiating? Boinkers. I don’t know if this next thing he mentioned is awkward or appropriate, for the two lonely souls sitting together, trying to fix themselves and repair their broken hearts.. Now that you’ve found love, go and share it with others.

We went to Jollibee to eat after. We had one of those talks again — the one where sea creatures scare the hell out of him. Hahahaha. I missed that. I saw the little boy I was missing so much once again. On our way out, we saw some of my friends again. The same bunch who saw us earlier — Honey, Gelo, Matt, and Chaw. Honey gave me a tight and long hug. Thank you, Haneh!

Upon entering Ateneo again, he dragged me to the field. Literally dragged me by the wrist. Ouch. When I realized where we were going, I didn’t know how to react to the situation. We were going back to the field. To the spot. To our spot. I call it our spot ’cause it’s where we always go to whenever we hang out in the field. Then it starts to drizzle. *broken heart does not know whether to break further or not anymore* I was very much dazed, confused, clueless as to how I would welcome the situation that I.. asked for a sign. And I think I did.

We’re going to hang out more soon. Just stay at home and watch tv, Jack TV per his request. And Diane’s video too. *evil laugh* I actually like the idea. This is how I’d like to chill with boy friends. He thought of it, which is why I’m so excited and looking forward to it. He always gets it right. Those things.

Gawd. This entry is so incoherent. Am I okay or not? Confused or not? Sad or not? I don’t know. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t. I remember being hit hard by the priest a couple of times, one of which I do remember is, when he hopes we get our Christmas wishes granted. I don’t have a Christmas wish in mind, to be perfectly honest, that’s why I had a hard time answering Sel and Diane’s question. But when he said that, I remember feeling so thankful, as if my non-existent wish was already granted. Weird. Whenever I think about it, I still feel like a wish was granted. I just don’t know what. As I said, I don’t have a wish in mind. But the feeling.. It’s still here. I still feel like a wish was granted.

I missed him. Not just him but everything else about him. His spacing out; the way he just makes me laugh, without any intentions of doing so; his weird Homer-like reactions; the kakulitan; all the poking, pinching, gah! A lot more. How he’s so scared of the sea, of the little sea creatures; how I knew he was going to mention that shark part in Madagascar 2 when he started to talk about it! How he can sway his legs back and forth whenever we sit on the field benches because his feet wouldn’t/couldn’t touch the grass; his ‘Whut?!’ expression, accompanied by that look on his face I can’t describe. I can’t believe I pushed all of these at the back of my head. I missed him so damn much. I know I did.

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