Monthly Archives: December 2008

I’ve stopped looking since I’ve been busy with my studies and org stuff but I just hope one day, he comes. That that one day actually comes soon. Sooner.

I think I already like you but I’m not so sure yet because you’ve been giving really mixed signals. I don’t know if the feeling is mutual and I’m scared to give in to something one-sided.

1. I’ve yet to finish an article or two about China’s history to help me write that nearly 2,000-word essay. I’m thankful that I’m really into Chinese — history, language, and culture, otherwise, I’d probably die of all the readings (which is about an inch thick).

2. EB race! I don’t know exactly, what I’m feeling right now. The requirements are fairly easier and more manageable compared to other organizations’ requirements, *remembers Guidon’s 50-page requirement (big eyes)* a resume, platform, some meetings to attend. But somehow, I feel a bit disappointed with all of it. My resume looks cleaner than the other aspirants (at least I think so); my platform is still left blank, despite all the things I thought of doing for Celadon — all the ideas, the plans, seem to have escaped me upon downloading all the necessary requirements (fear?); and with the knowledge of the positions all the other aspirants’ are vying for, I’m beginning to think I might not be able to deliver. Not because I’m not capable of doing so but because I might not be aggressive enough to go through the race, with my friends as “competitors”.

3. Celadon Month. Gaaaaah! I know there’s more than a month left before the event itself, but all the other committee heads are MIA. 😮 I’m not the overall head, but this is our (Sharm and I’s) project — project heads for the Externals department, and all the other committee heads haven’t been.. I don’t know the term to use, too in tune (?) with the project. Three of us (Jess, Sharm, and I) are worrying about this already, because there’s still too much work to be done, and it seems like only the three of us are working, including Abby and some people from our respective committees. *long, deep sigh*

4. On decision making and such.

4.1 I’m still caught in between two departments: running for my own department (Ext) or running for the Culturals department. I was originally planning to run for my department’s AVP position but then I found out there’d be six (6) of us running. Apart from the fact that I know I can do more and fill in a VP position, finding out there’d be six aspirants for only one position seemed like a sign. But then, another dilemma. EXT or CULTO? Someone from Culto expressed her opinion about the upcoming race. She was hoping someone from the Externals department would actually take over the Culto department next year, since most of the projects under their department were somehow external too (Spring Filmfest, Amazing Race, etc.) This happened before the discernment talk. During the discernment talk, the speaker spoke of some important things to consider when running: Why are you running? Go back to the very reason why you’re running. Don’t be afraid to run against your friends. You’re doing this for the betterment of your org. After the discernment talk, this dilemma came to life. I want to run in my department. But if the other department needs the skills I have to offer, why not run there?

I asked my friends for their opinions, some offered theirs, on the said matter, some from fellow Celadoneans, most from non-Celadoneans. They had different opinions, which I think didn’t help in ending my decision making but did add some more thoughts to help me in my decision making. Some said go for my own department, because running in another department will only assure me of losing — because they’d rather have someone of their own; another said go for Culto, you’ll make it.

It’s not about making it, or running for your own (department) because you’ve a better chance, but about doing what’s the best for your org. The most helpful advice I got so far nearly got me to decide finally: Three things. Learning, Meaning, Laughter. Go where you’ll learn more, has the most meaning, and where you’ll find laughter the most. (Thanks, Isa! Who got it form Sel.) Upon hearing this, my head was screaming, “Externals na!” But after recovering from what-seemed-like-finding-the-needed-answer, I realized I can’t just let go of the other department because I find more meaning and laughter in my own department. I know I’ll find those too in Culto, since I was a former Culturals member and that’s where I started to find my place with Celadon. *another long, deep sigh*

4.2 To leave or not to leave, that is the question. I’m so ashamed of what’s been happening to my family. As much as I’d like to keep all the goings-on to myself, I just can’t. I fear that if I don’t share this with someone whom I trust, I’d lose it. This question has been lingering for so long and one day, I just decided to stay, in hopes of fixing everything that’s been wrong and broken in the family. But I guess hope is just like a wish. It may or may not be granted. In this case, it wasn’t.

That was the last straw. I can’t take any of this any longer. I feel so ashamed and disgusted with my own mother. Try as I may, and my friends all know how hard I’ve tried, I can’t any more. I just, I’m afraid I’ve lost all the respect I’ve left for her. It kills me to have to deal with this, when all I wanted was to just have the most normal family I could. 😥

Moving on, I’m trying to put all this drama at the back of my mind. The backest of the back! I need to focus on my paper and my org duties. Smile smile now! 🙂

By the way, they posted the article I submitted for the Features section of my org’s website. :p Shameless plugging. Teehee.