Monthly Archives: December 2009

I’m not a big fan of change. I hate change. But I guess it’s about time I learn to live with it. I know something has changed in our relationship. Others could feel and see it too. I thought everything was going back to the way it was. That we were just entering and exiting different phases in our friendship because of emotional rollercoasters we’ve been riding the past year. Guess not. 

At first, I rode along with everyone’s joke. That maybe we were together in a relationship. Boyfriend-girlfriend type. I remember talking to you about this. How I hated it when we acted as if we were together. We were always together, if not, we were always fighting. I always reminded you of everything you had to do and helped you with it while you helped me with some other things I needed done as well. Yeah, we could pass as lovers to them and I would agree with them, if it weren’t for the fact that I was just actually happy that we could have lots of pictures taken together and it wouldn’t matter to anyone, anymore. For the first time, I could actually tell myself that I found a best friend in the form of a guy, in you. The pictures did it. But after the happy stuff, the bad ones followed. After that one major disagreement we had, everything started falling apart. Everything changed. I had a best friend for two weeks and then poof! He was gone after a weekend.

You’ve always been my best friend ever since Mikey. I guess I just didn’t notice it then because there were still some things we couldn’t do that friends do. That’s why that picture taking session we had meant so much to me. For once, I could show the world my best friend. Not the guy who was someone’s boyfriend that I am suspiciously close to.

I don’t know what happened. I don’t know what’s happening. I tried distancing myself from you but I don’t think it worked. We only ended up arguing even more and your anger affected your studies. After I tried fixing the damage I had done, I thought everything would go back to normal. It didn’t. And all our friends noticed.

For weeks, I’ve been trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with us. Everything seems to be normal. We still talk every night, we still message each other a lot, we still hug each other, we still hang out, but in the midst of all that, there’s this great wall of tension between us. I don’t know if you feel it too but I sure as hell feel it. And so do our friends. I deny it all the time because everything seems normal to me but if they feel it too, how can I continue denying it? Even if it’s just to myself? I wanted to scream, just find an empty field or lot where I can scream all I want, where I can curse all I want, hoping all the screaming and cursing will take this with it. But all that anger has turned into tears now. Tears I cannot shed, I choose not to shed. Crying will not tell me what’s wrong with us.

Today, I’ve proven to myself that something has changed. We couldn’t even bring ourselves to come closer to each other for a stupid picture. I still don’t know what the exact problem or change that took place is. All I know is that something has indeed changed and tonight proved it to me.

In between the 28th and the 28th, I lost someone. I lost you. I don’t know what part of you I lost but I did. It hurts but I don’t know how much because I’m afraid to find out. The same way I want to talk about this with you so bad but I choose not to because I’m afraid of what I might find out.

You’re still my friend. My very best friend. The only person, guy, who probably knows me more than I know myself. The person I run to for everything — for comfort, for laughs, for some time alone. For music, food binges, adventures. Whatever happens, I will still love you with all my heart and accept you for who you are, the way you accepted me for who I am. That’s why I’m learning to live with this change, this big change that came crashing into my world. I know I may never get the old you back but I am learning to cope with that. I can hate life all I want for ruining this part of my life, the part where you were in, when it ruined all other parts of my life already but I’d rather exert all my energy and effort in enjoying what it left us. What parts of you it left me. But for now, I will do this in the only bearable way I can:

By letting you, and everything that has something to do with you, go.

I’m sorry I can’t be there for you all the time now. I am still new at this change thing and it’s still pretty much messed up. I just hope you don’t forget to do all the things you have to do. Thesis, research paper, homework. Things don’t have to be more awkward than it already is.

For the mean time, take care, good care of yourself, my dear. I know people say I have to let you grow up on your own but I couldn’t risk you making mistakes which will greatly affect your future back then. I guess now is the time for me to take that risk. You have everything you need now to help you with your studies, the great Mac! Hahaha. Please do use it well and don’t forget everything you have to do. I know you didn’t ask me to do this, watch over you, acting like a mother, reminding you of all the things you have to do, and I’m sorry if I do but if no one else will remind you, I don’t know what’ll happen. Just please do, be reminded of everything. I won’t be there in 2010 anymore.

Thank you for everything, Gregory. For all the good times, the bad times, the weirdo times. For always, always being there whenever I needed you. Just so you know, I never took advantage of you, even when you said that you were practically at my every beck and call. I never thought of it that way. I was actually surprised. To me, I was just blessed with someone who was always there for me. Thank you for making me happy, cheering me up whenever I felt down. I appreciate everything, everything you have done for me. You will always still be Gus to me.

Just one more thing though. Please don’t do what I did a year and a half ago. It may be fun for a while but it won’t solve anything or help at all. Believe me, I’ve been there. Think twice about everything you want to do before doing them. You might end up hurting other people or worse, yourself.

Have a happy new year. Let’s catch up when I get used to this change thing. And I am, very sorry, for everything.

I am once again leaving this to God, as to when you’re supposed to read it. Everything in its own time.

[02:37 am]