I was wrong. I was in a pseudo-relationship. I don’t know when it began, how it began, and why it even did happen in the first place but yes, I am admitting it now.
I was in a pseudo-relationship and it ended today. For those who don’t know what a pseudo-relationship is, simply put, it’s like being in a relationship with no commitment. No one asked, no one answered with a yes. Yet you treat each other in a special way. Today will probably be the worst day of my 2010. I didn’t want anything to end. I didn’t want anything to change, especially since he was my best friend. All I wanted was an answer. A yes or no. A something or nothing.
At times I think about blaming our friends for not intervening. For not saying anything to the both of us. For not forcing us to clear things out. But I know that would be wrong. It wasn’t really any of their business to meddle with our friendship. Life happened and this is where it brought us. I never asked him for a relationship. I asked him for an answer. It was never my intention to force him into a relationship. The countless arguments, the jealousy, the way he’d allow me to be jealous and be okay with it — it was all just confusing. Not knowing what he was thinking about when I had been more than transparent with him was worse. All I needed was an answer. His side. Not a fucking relationship.
But up to the last minute, the last ounce of hope I had, he still acted as if he knew nothing. That’s the most painful part.
I’ve been trying hard to sort this out so we can go back to being us. Best friends. I’ve shed every bit of my dignity, of my pride, my ego, myself in trying to clear things for us. All I needed was for him to help me out. I can’t understand everything by myself. Especially the parts that only he can explain. He still didn’t.
I’m not tired of fighting for our friendship. It’s too precious to give up on just like that. It’s gone through a lot of trials and we still managed to come out of it alive. Better, stronger. I am, however, tired of being treated like bull. For once, I’d like someone to fight for me, to fight for it, the same way I’ve been trying to for the past 2 and 1/2 years. I know I deserve better but this was too precious to let go of. But I can’t hold on to something when that something has stopped holding on long ago. Actions speak louder than words. And no matter how many times he told me how important I was, seeing him treat this whole thing as if it were nothing, says a lot more.
Stop saying sorry. Every time you apologize, I get hurt even more. Because every time you apologize, you give in to what I want, it makes me realize even more that you don’t have the initiative to speak up first. You apologize and do what I want but you don’t really think about what’s going on in the first place. That, or you’re just denying everything again. Acting as if it’s just some petty misunderstanding. PUTANGINA. Sana kahit minsan, ikaw naman gumawa ng paraan para magpaliwanag sa akin ng mga nangyayari. Meron o wala lang naman. At kung ano na mangyayari sa atin. Yun lang. Ganun ba kahirap ipaliwanag iyon? Sagot lang ang hinihingi ko. Side mo. Kung anong gusto mo. Hindi naman ako mawawala dahil sa isasagot mo. Magkaibigan tayo una sa lahat. Hindi ko hahayaang masira yun dahil lang sa meron o wala. Sagot lang talaga ang hinihingi ko. Ganun ba kahirap iyon?
Up to the last call, the last SMS, he still wanted me to do the talking. The explaining. I am so fucking tired of explaining and talking about it while he listens and replies with crap. It hurts hearing him say that. Asking me what we were supposed to talk about. You’re not stupid, I know that. You should know. But fuck, you still pretend like you have no clue!
I’m not tired of fighting for our friendship. But I won’t fight for something that won’t fight for me too. I can’t hold on to something when that something doesn’t care whether or not I hold on any longer.
Hindi ako galit. Malungkot lang dahil kahit pala kaibigan, hindi ako kayang ipaglaban.
when pigs & penguins fly.. 