A quote from CSI Las Vegas. Most relationships are over before they end.
Food for thought: What if they’re not over even after they’ve ended? Hmm..
Don’t run away
It’s only life.
-It’s Only Life, Katie Voegle
I enjoyed Angels & Demons with Sel and Franz a while ago. It was definitely better than the Da Vinci Code. Not much was cut or changed. The movie and company was great but the experience? I don’t think I’d ever be watching in Galleria again. No judgement please. I’m not an elitist. I used to watch there often in the past so I’m very much at home with the place but a while ago, something made me decide not to consider watching in their cinemas again: it stunk. I wasn’t sure if it was my chair, the row we sat in, or the row behind or in front of us but one thing I was sure of was that it didn’t smell nice. It smelled like dried pee(?). And it was the only thing that bothered me the whole time. I kept on thinking about a what if whenever the smell caught my attention — what if we chose a different cinema? It would’ve been better, I was thinking. I thought about Eastwood, since it was the nearest to Ateneo and their cinemas are great but then we couldn’t go and watch there, per Sel’s request. The smell was really unpleasant that I kept thinking about how other cinemas I’ve gone to the past months wouldn’t have tolerated such poor cinema hygiene. Eastwood kept popping in my head — how it’s been a while since I last watched a movie there. Roughly a year by now. And somehow, I just stopped thinking about it.
***
They can never have yesterday.
-Yesterday, Leona Lewis
I have reached apathy. After years of always taking care of others, putting their feelings first before mine, I’m done. I no longer feel. I no longer care.. As much. I was going to say I no longer care PERIOD but I know I’m incapable of totally not caring. At least I no longer care as much, as much that I would put others before myself. It’s about time I started looking after myself. And that’s what I’ve been doing the past few days. Oh yes. I am finally protecting my heart. Self-preservation.
I’m tired of trying to be with someone. I’m tired of being alone. But trying to find and be with someone is harder, more tiring. I just want to be alone.
I’m tired of running. Self-preservation talking. 🙂
***
I’ve been waiting on the light to flip the switch
And rearrange my view..
And I don’t think I can make it
Even though I know you’re worth it.
-I Don’t Know, Shelly Fraley
In a moment, everything can change.
Isa saw you a while ago and now, you’re on top of my Facebook activities, just when I had to check my homepage. Err, fate really does like making fun of me, doesn’t it? Just a couple of days ago, I felt at peace without you. Finally. And now? I’m sipping a glass of cold beer while typing this entry.
I don’t even know what this is. This reaction or lack of reaction. When Isa called me randomly a while ago, just as I left Greenbelt and started exploring the city of Makati once again, I felt something change. Or, maybe the change was that I felt something. When she told me how she saw you just two minutes earlier, describing how you looked, what you were wearing, I saw you. It felt like I was seeing you as well, as she described what you wore. It’s funny. The thing that made me feel strange about the whole situation was when she mentioned one of the items of clothing you were wearing. An Ateneo jacket, or what she thought was an Ateneo jacket. Upon hearing that, something changed. I could picture you and what you were wearing and I felt a certain feeling I haven’t felt in a while. I couldn’t explain what it was, and I still can’t. All I know is that, upon hearing about the jacket, I felt something weird inside of me. Something unexplainable.
Fate knows a thing or two about playing with people, doesn’t it? A few minutes before Isa called, I remember thinking about how I would know where you would be OJT-ing now if we were still friends. Diane mentioned you were working in Makati too, maybe that’s the reason for the thought passing by in my mind. Then the phone rings! And what does Isa say? May matindi akong balita. As in matindi. *Disclaimer: I’m unsure if she used matindi. But it was something similar to the word. And Isa rarely speaks Filipino, more so, use deep Filipino words.* When I got in the car as I left work, I saw *****! I thought the guy only looked like him but then, siya talaga! I called you agad, as in two minutes earlier lang ‘to nangyari.
*sigh* Fate. Is a very funny thing, isn’t it? I ended up stunned for a couple of minutes, reminiscing once again and thinking about what could’ve been and how I was probably going to be emo the rest of the night once again, after days of finally being un-emo over you, but then.. Nothing. It’s just funny now.
***
Just hanging by a moment here with you.
-Hanging By A Moment, Lifehouse
It feels strangely good. I’ve been typing this sentence for two days now but my schedule hasn’t permitted me to complete the whole entry. I’ve to get up early tomorrow for class but I want to finish this now. Before the thought passes me by once again.
It feels strangely good. Being by myself. Single, alone, free, whatever you’d like to call it. I wasn’t used to being by myself a few months back. When I ended my first relationship, I kept the friendship as another form of not being alone. It was either that or I hurt. When I’m not hurting, I’m clinging on to something I would eventually drop. That’s what happened the first time around. I guess I’m someone you call dependent. What’s worse is when I hurt and cling at the same time, like what happened with my second relationship. Because of this, I haven’t really been on my own the past five years. Either I was in a relationship, or I hung out with an ex. It wasn’t pleasant. At first it was, but the aftermath isn’t. I got used to being with someone all the time that the past few months have been hell for me. Just because I was officially, finally alone.
So you see, being by myself, alone, unattached emotionally, is quite a strange, foreign, unfamiliar yet pleasant feeling. I started feeling this way a couple of days ago, maybe even a week or two ago but I guess it was an on/off kind of thing for me to not notice. Until a day or two ago. Now, this feeling doesn’t hurt or bother me anymore. It kinda makes me feel light on the inside. I know I’m going to take this back someday but, it feels good not thinking about anyone for a change. I feel free, in a way.
***
You’ll always be my thunder.
-Thunder, Boys Like Girls
when pigs & penguins fly.. 