I got another A in one of my comm electives. I guess it’s true that my heart’s still beating comm. Obviously, it’s just now that I’ve realized what I was really good at and that was at communicating. *sigh* It is true that you only begin to see the beauty and worth of something once you lose it, or worse, let it go. All my good grades, QPI, As in long tests and papers, all those I got from my comm subjects. I can’t believe it was staring me in the face already and yet.. I failed to see. *Homer’s-doh-moment* I know there’s no use in going back, in regretting it over and over and over again, but.. I really wish I could do things over. I would never have left my first love. 😦
Plus, I would’ve graduated on time as well.
I have learned, rather, re-learned that when all hope seems to be gone, if it’s meant to be, God will swoop in to make it happen.
Last 17 September, I attended Celadon’s annual Mid-Autumn Gratia celebration. The traditional dice game was also part of the night’s celebration so after dinner and the announcement of the 2nd batch of winners, the games began. I love playing the dice game because no matter how small the prizes are, the feeling of winning something, makes me feel giddy! But contrary to what I was expecting, this year wasn’t MY year. After several rounds, I only ended up drinking spiked tea (with vinegar not alcohol) because I kept getting the lowest of rolls. THe prizes started to disappear one by one and I still haven’t won anything. Finally, after n rounds, I finally won myself a calculator! Yes, a calculator! I got to throw four fours and that meant a calculator, flashlight or pouch but since the prizes were already disappearing, I was left with nothing but the calculator. Then again, it didn’t matter. I finally won something! Several rounds passed and I was hoping to get something else, another thing. The ham maybe or a stress ball, anything! Three people were already fighting for the highest of highs aka zhong wan, which meant a USB flash drive and a headset but I didn’t want to join them anymore. Any one of the other prizes were already okay for me. I won again, this time, a pen. The pens were the last one to go and everyone was starting to feel impatient since there were still three pens left before the winner of all winners could get the prize. But then, something totally unexpected happen.
I threw the dice.
Four sixes.
It took a couple more rounds before the pens were taken and that was it.
Zhong wan for me. I WON.
I remember being stunned after the facilitators and my co-players told me I beat the current zhong wan holder. And after all the pens were won, that’s the only time it sunk in. I won. I won. I got the top prizes! O_O
That’s when it hit me. No matter how hopeless a situation may be, if it’s God’s will, He will do something about it. Imagine the chances of me still beating the dice my other co-players threw. What are the chances of me still throwing four sixes at the last minute?
Oh well. I really needed the headphones. It was a reminder and a blessing in disguise.
I guess I’ve decided. I will go, no matter what. I can’t move on here. I need a change of scenery, of people, of time zones. I’ve come to realize that no matter what I do, what we do, things have changed. The senseless fights will always be there, ready to jump us anytime of the day; the lack of trust that we truly do, genuinely care for each other, will always cross the mind; and the feeling that this whole thing is just our futile attempt at trying to get back to what we were both used to, will always linger.
They say the truth will set you free. But does it really? I thought that coming to terms with how I really felt would indeed set me free but now, I think it just made everything else complicated. Yes, I guess this is life’s way of setting me free but couldn’t it just set me free simply? Without complications? My being “free” so to speak, had to be because of all the things I’ve already mentioned earlier — the dysfunctional relationship that this truth brought about in our lives. Why couldn’t it be simple? Why did it have to come to this? To the point where everything we were doing, or at least trying to do, had become so exhausting that everything else had lost its meaning?
Christmas is roughly three months from now. I hope it brings me good news. I’ve built my life here but I believe it’s about time I really do start over. Somewhere far, far, far away from here as possible.
Three more weeks into the semester and it’s finally over! I really do hope I get the grades I was praying and working hard for.
when pigs & penguins fly.. 