If there’s been one constant in my life, it’s Him.
I never wrote about this until, well, today. I haven’t cried about it either. I guess I’m at a loss for words on this one. The best way I can describe it is in the form of Celeste. For those of you who know Celeste, I think you can skip this one. But for those of you who don’t, read on.
Celeste married her best friend but things didn’t turn out well. She eventually got divorced but it made them happier than when they were together. But then her ex-husband got some other girl pregnant, and had to man up. Celeste was left in disbelief, and was forced to deal with the fall out, losing her best friend, and moving on, alone.
I guess what hurts the most for Celeste was not when she hoped, believed, that this person was eventually going to “man up” for her. It was when he chose to man up for someone else. I’ve always felt that losing a friend was more painful than losing a partner because your friends are what you have when your partner screws you over. They’re the ones who get drunk with you, who set you up for a good night to forget all the shit you’re going through at the moment. I remember asking my high school crush who he’d choose if he had to — the love of his life or his friends. I was ready to answer, “YOU!” if he had asked me back but his answer shocked me. He said, “I’d choose my friends. ’cause when this girl fucks me up, my friends are the ones who would have my back.” From then on, I chose to value my relationship with my friends more than the potential loves of my life. I guess that’s why it hurts me more to lose a friend than someone I could hold hands with.
But what happens when you lose both? When you lose one and the same person? I never really thought about it that my mind goes “croo” when the question comes up. I don’t want to go through the same motions Celeste did. I don’t want to live in regret, in pity, in sadness. I don’t want to meet someone great and eventually turn my back on him because I’m not ready. I just don’t want to do anything at all.
That’s when I realized I really don’t have to do anything. If there’s one thing constant in my 25 years of existence, it’s that God has always been there for me, even if I wasn’t always there for Him. I’ve been through a hell lot of worse and He has always pulled me through. There were times when I literally felt like dying, like my soul was slowly easing its way out of my physical body, when I feel a sudden nudge and everything feels real again. I don’t have to do anything. I will get through this, He will me pull me through, and life will be more exciting and beautiful than ever.
This was supposed to be posted on your 24th birthday, but a lot of things kept me from doing so. It may be months later but my feelings and thoughts haven’t changed. We’ve been friends since 2006 and though we’ve been at each other’s necks, I am still very thankful for having met you. Whether or not we ended up together, I know in my heart that we would still be a part of each other’s lives. We’ve seen each other grow, we’ve seen each other cry. We’ve listened to each other rant about the love of our lives (at least that’s what we thought about them back then), and we’ve ignored each other’s SMS and calls. We drove each other home on drunken nights, we saved each other from crazy maniacs we met in bars, and we’ve helped each other make lemonade out of all the lemons life has thrown at us.
At the end of the day, we still found ourselves back in each other’s lives (I won’t say arms because we were both still taken at that time). We are together now, but if life has other plans for us, I know that we will still find time for each other because we are best friends, we are soulmates.
We’ve proven time and time again that no matter what happens to us, relationship or not, we are still each other’s special person. And for that, I am very much thankful. People rarely meet the love of their lives, or their soulmates, but we were blessed to have found each other. No matter where this journey takes us, I will always love you and all of you — the past, present and future you. I will always thank God for giving me this much time with you.
To the boy who made a difference in my life, happy happy happy 24th birthday. I really thank God for your life. May He bless you and us with more years.
Much love, Gus. 🙂
When I was younger, my Dad taught us to dream big. I remember wanting to change the world at 7 by finding the cure for cancer. I remember wanting to change the Philippines by developing something that could annihilate (yes, I used to think of the term ANNIHILATE) all our trash, becoming the country’s top female scientist. I remember wanting to become a journalist, to follow in my late grandfather’s footsteps and make him proud. And I remember wanting to become a lawyer to help my family and make them proud.
I had big dreams back then. Most of them were fueled by my Dad’s dreams for us, while some stemmed from our family’s won experiences (my dream to become a journalist was inspired by the exile of my grandfather during Marcos’ regime. I was just so proud of him for not being scared of a tyrant.) Those dreams killed each other until I finally decided to pursue journalism (because I thought it was the easiest among my choices.) I was easily swayed by the comments of other people. especially when they said that being a scientist demands this, being a doctor demands that. I got scared of all the comments I heard from family, friends, even strangers. Being a doctor means no sleepless nights, being a scientist means dealing with dangerous toxins, being a lawyer meant reading stacks and stacks of readings and books. I freaked out.
I eventually graduated with a degree in Chinese Studies. I pursued the business track. Far from what I used to dream of, right? But despite my love for Chinese, the law kept prodding. I found myself reading and reacting to different political issues, both national and international; I found myself in different situations involving the law (corrupt practices, corrupt people — Q1 of 2013 was such a disaster for me), fueling my desire to know the law even more and practice it. It took me two years after graduation to gather enough courage and finally apply to law school.
During those two years, law school kept bugging me. I found a job to keep me busy, I enjoyed the life I was living, but there were those days that made me think about law school and the big WHAT IF. My journey began when I finally told myself, “I had readings as tall as my table for my Chinese classes, and I SURVIVED. I made it. Why do I keep stopping myself from trying out for law school just because of the readings?” That was the trigger. The moment I got over the irrational fear of readings, I had to get over my fear of rejection. It took me another year before I took my first law admission test simply because I was afraid of failing.
When I finally got over those hindrances, I started by enrolling myself in a review class. I knew I was really serious then because I shelled out my own money to pay for the classes. After the class came my first law exam. The UP LAE (University of the Philippines Law Aptitude Exam). I was quite confident during my first exam since I was able to answer more questions in the actual exam than the diagnostic exam I took for my review class.
My next law exam came two months after my exam in UP. I finally got the courage to take Ateneo’s LAE. Truth be told, the Ateneo exam was more difficult not because the questions in the exam were, but because I really wanted to get into this university. The past three bar topnotchers were Ateneans, and after reading their curriculum, I felt that they gave students an advantage by requiring them to intern in law firms for two years. I wanted to be taught by the best. I wanted to experience the best and the worst. I felt that the Ateneo Law School would be able to give me both.
The UP LAE results came out a few days after I took the ALS LAE. I found out I did not make the list, but that did not make me feel bad. For weeks now, I’ve been praying to get into the Ateneo, so in a way, being rejected by UP was a blessing in disguise. My parents would probably have wanted me to go to UP if I made it. The only problem now was.. If I don’t make it to Ateneo, where will I go? San Beda was my last option since it was part of the top law schools in the Philippines. I just felt like another rejection would extinguish my desire to pursue law.
After weeks of waiting, the day finally came. 1 April 2013. The day ALS will release the names of accepted applicants. I started to check the website as early as 12:01 am of 1 April 2013. The results page was still blank so I decided to check again in the morning. By the time I woke up for work, the website was no longer accessible. I couldn’t focus on work because I kept checking the site every hour. No change. It was still inaccessible. It was almost 3 in the afternoon, and I still did not know whether or not I should prepare my application for San Beda. After what seemed like an eternity of waiting, I got two text messages simultaneously from two of my closest friends. One read, “CONGRATS, babe!” to which I replied with a confused look. And the confirmation, from my close friend who was already studying law, “I saw your name na. Congrats!”
It was an unforgettable hour for me. I froze in my seat. I was utterly speechless (I was teaching at that exact time), and I just couldn’t be more thankful. Finally, after all the storms of the first quarter of 2013, God has given me a rainbow. My perfect rainbow.
God really is faithful. Problems life throws at us are minute compared to the blessings God will repay us with. We may suffer for a while, but rest assured, God will make every suffering worthwhile.
Here’s to my rainbow after the long storm. I’m now ready to face the next storm this rainbow will bring.
Nowadays, everyone is in a rush, and I mean rush, to find someone to cuddle with, be with, and hold hands with. Where are the days when boys and girls took time to get to know each other deeply before saying ‘I love you’ to each other? No, make that, before they get into a relationship? Today, a meeting, a simple text message, sometimes even a hello, is enough to start a relationship, to make one utter those three words. Gone are the days when it took men and women months, years, to get to know each other. Now, people start and end relationships as quickly as they change their clothes. And we all know most of them don’t end up the way they expected to.
So I thought about the Top 5 reasons why you shouldn’t be so eager to get into a relationship, or a new one.
5. Your ex has a new boy/girl.
Just because your former flame has moved on, doesn’t mean you should get it on with someone new too. You have to deal with your break-up first, try to take some time to fully grasp and understand what went wrong with the first one, before jumping into a new one. Do you really want to start something new without understanding why the last one didn’t work out? Let me rephrase that. Do you really want to jump unprepared, into the unknown, with the possibility of getting your heart broken AGAIN? I didn’t think so.
4. You haven’t moved on.
I know most people can attest to the fact that the only way one can really move on is if he/she found someone new. The hopeless romantic in me would like to believe this, that someone new, a prince charming, could save my broken heart. But the truth is, only YOU can save your broken heart. No matter how many guys and girls you try to hook up with, fall in love with, and be with, unless your heart has really moved on — forgiven, forgotten, understood, you will never be able to enjoy and give your best to that someone new. So save yourself and this innocent person some heartache. Move on before falling, again.
3. You have responsibilities/other priorities.
If you cannot prioritize your relationship, don’t get into one. Don’t be a selfish bastard/bitch. We get into a relationship because we love each other. And loving each other means being each other’s priority. Some people have all the time in the world for each other, but it doesn’t mean they prioritize each other. Others don’t see each other often, but they are each other’s priorities. The worst is, not having time for each other and not being each other’s priority. So before you throw yourself into another relationship, think about it. Can you prioritize this person? Or is he/she just another time/loneliness/boredom killer?
2. You have mommy/daddy issues.
Never use another person as a daddy/mommy substitute. If you have unresolved issues with your parents, don’t take it out on another person. A boyfriend or girlfriend will NEVER fill in that empty space your dad or mom left. If you think a boyfriend or girlfriend will make that sadness mommy or daddy caused go away, think again.
1. You feel alone, unhappy, incomplete.
“Fall in love when you are READY, not when you are LONELY.” So what if all your friends are getting engaged, getting married, etc. You shouldn’t find love just because everyone around you has found theirs. Love isn’t just about taking the loneliness and unhappiness away, and it isn’t about completing you too. Whether or not you are with someone, loneliness can creep in. Unhappiness can set in. No human being can ever complete you. Don’t depend your happiness on another person. It never works. You know it.
So if you’re a lonely, problematic, busy bee, don’t get into a relationship. Don’t ruin someone else’s life just because you’re unhappy with yours. Get into a relationship if you are mature enough to handle it and prioritize it, not because you feel sad and alone.
We don’t really need Thanksgiving to remember all the things we are grateful for. Waking up to a brand new day is enough reason to remember these things. But for those of us who are too busy, we have been given Thanksgiving Day — a day where we remember all the blessings and trials we’ve received and be thankful for them.
Because we don’t really have turkeys in the country, unless you consider the imported frozen ones as Philippine turkey, let’s just call them giant chickens. And since Giant Chicken Day is coming, what are you most thankful for? Here’s my Top 6 Things I am Most Thankful for.
1. Faith.
This year was a very trying and difficult year. Things that happened in the past are still finding their way into the present, haunting and trying to drive me crazy. But throughout all the crap, and bull I’ve had to go through this year, I am most thankful for my faith. I don’t think I would’ve survived this year without God and His never-ending faithfulness. He kept me sane when everything else was driving me insane. He never forsook me, despite all the craziness I did. He was there when no else was anymore.
2. Love.
As I’ve mentioned, this was a very difficult year. And one thing God blessed me with more was love. I am thankful for all the love people close to me have showed. Good or bad, near or far, possible or impossible, they were there. I will always be thankful for my Dad’s faith in our family, even if there’s nothing to hope for anymore; Gus’s unending patience and understanding, even if I sometimes turn into the bitch-from-hell; Isa’s presence, even if we rarely see each other; and my siblings’ support, even if we express it in unusual ways. I’ve never felt so much love in a long time. Of course, I am also thankful for those who always have my back, who will fight ’til the end with and for me. You know who you guys are. 🙂 And I guess for my mom, for trying to be a better parent.
3. Work.
This is the first time I can actually say I love my job! I’ve never felt more fulfilled, happy, and excited. I found the respect, care, and work-conducive environment I’ve been looking for! Our boss is great. My co-workers are great (I didn’t get the, “You’re Atenean, why-are-you-here-question”). My students are great! (I actually learn a couple of things from them too.) It isn’t perfect, but I’m glad I ended up here.
4. Time.
I’ve been with my family for 23 years, and with Gus for two years, but it seems like I never had enough time to spend with them. This year, I’m thankful that I finally got to go on a real vacation with my family after many years, and that I was able to spend a stress-free, relaxing trip with Gus.
Now for the less important (but still important) things that I am very much grateful for.
4. My soon-to-be-named Mac.
I’ve waited so long for this laptop. After Mr. Zhu died three years ago, I never stopped wishing for a new one. I had to wait a couple of years to get the better version, but hey, it was worth the wait. Sometimes, I still can’t believe I have it already.
5. A red watch
I got it for our anniversary, and even if it wasn’t the brand I wanted (ahem, ahem Gus) I still love it! I used to think big watches would make me look stupid, but I thought wrong. Thank you, buffalo fluff!
6. A better fashion sense and make-up skills.
This is something that may sound shallow to others, but I am very much thankful for my new found sense of style (at least I know I dress and look better now). I finally learned how to “beautify” myself, mix and match, and use accessories and bright colors. I guess you could say my self-esteem has gone back to its normal level. 🙂
So, what are you thankful for?
Last week, I received a text message from our senior teacher asking us to leave early to avoid heavier traffic. I always leave the house early to make sure I get to work on time, regardless of the traffic situation. But this time, it was different. Traffic was supposed to be heavier. Why?
Because of a jumper.
Apparently, an unidentified woman from the next building jumped to her death. The situation caused heavy traffic along Ortigas because the police were trying to clear the area. They asked vehicles to detour to avoid the scene. There was nothing more they could do but to clean the place where she landed.
I honestly didn’t know whether I would believe the message or not. It was a business district. It was hard to imagine someone killing himself in the area. Still, my initial reaction was, “Seriously?!” I was thinking about how much traffic this person had caused, I don’t like being late for work. But after getting off on our building’s street, I was starting to wonder if someone really did jump or if it was just an attempt or a hoax. The person allegedly jumped from the building next to ours. I didn’t want to see or step on any blood, brain, or leftover intestines on the sidewalk. I was praying and walking carefully along the sidewalk, hoping to NOT see any human body parts or leftovers. I tried listening to the bystanders chatting, hoping for any update on the incident. I got my answer. A couple of construction workers were talking about the incident, making jokes about the “woman” who jumped. It was true. It did happen.
Someone took her own life.
After hearing the bystanders’ comments, jokes, and self-righteous lectures about the incident, I felt utter disgust. This was a person. A woman, at that. Who, for whatever reason, felt like life was no longer worth living. And these people were trying to be smarter, better (or so they think) than this dead woman. Who are they to think that way? Do they know what this poor woman was going through? Was feeling?
NO.
Suicide is never the answer to whatever life throws at us. God will never give us something we cannot overcome. But these still do not give us the right to say things about this woman we don’t know. We don’t know what she was going through; we don’t know how long she’s been feeling this pain, suffering; we don’t know what pushed her to this extreme. People easily lecture other people on what they should and shouldn’t do, even if they haven’t experienced it themselves. They easily judge the behavior of others without asking why this person is behaving the way he is.
A couple of weeks ago, I finished reading a book entitled 13 Reasons Why. It was about a girl who committed suicide, leaving behind 13 reasons that pushed her into making that decision. It wasn’t a story about a girl who just commits suicide. It was about what drove her to that extreme. Suicide is not something a person just does. There’s nothing spontaneous about it. It is the result of tens, of hundreds, of thousands of reasons that eventually make a person feel that there is no way out but it. People don’t just wake up and say, “Hey, I’m feeling blue. I’m going to kill myself.” People live through days of torment and suffering until they can no longer bear the pain of it all. After the deed is done, that’s when people start talking. “Why didn’t he tell anyone? Why didn’t he talk to anyone? Why did he keep it to himself and let it eat him?”
The question should be, “Why didn’t anyone listen?”
It’s easy for people to be self-righteous, know-it-alls, and the better person. But the truth is, they are no better than the one who took his own life. They ask all these questions, judging the jumper or pill taker or slasher, wondering why they didn’t ask for help, but the bigger question is, why didn’t they make the first move to help? If there are signs all around, why wait ’til it’s too late?
What these people don’t know is that sometimes, these people do talk. Sometimes, they make themselves so obvious to the point that they were practically screaming, “I’m going to kill myself!” No one just bothers to listen. It’s easier to blame the victim than to actually admit that I could’ve done something to stop it.
I. The question.
What does it mean if someone chooses you, even though he is heartbroken in doing so?
The first thing that comes to mind is love. Love is the only real thing that’s powerful enough to make people do things they don’t want to do. We’ve seen people do bad things for the people they love. We’ve seen people make sacrifices for the people they love. We have done some things for the people we love. It is the only thing that can make someone choose others over himself.
But it’s not as bittersweet, as romantic, or as heartwarming as you may think. Guilt can also make people do things they don’t want to — the only other emotion that’s almost as powerful as love. Almost.
Guilt is an emotion so strong, so powerful that sometimes it’s easy to compare it with love. It consumes us, taunts us, scares us into doing things we think only love can make us do. It blinds us into thinking and doing things we’d normally do out of love alone. It is another thing that’s powerful enough to make us do things we don’t want to do. Just like faith, having guilt in your system, even if it is as small as a mustard seed, can make us do things beyond our understanding. If having faith as small as a mustard seed can move mountains, guilt as small as a mustard seed can sweep away even the biggest of mountains. The only difference is love is real, whereas guilt is an illusion.
Do not doubt love. Love will always be the stronger between the two because only love can dispel guilt. Guilt, or any other emotion, can never destroy or change love.
II. Living with the choice.
Whatever reason/s he may have for choosing you, it is something that you have to live with. You will have to wake up everyday thinking that there might be someone out there more deserving of him, more suitable for him, more compatible with him, better and right for him. It is a burden you will carry, you will have to carry for the rest of your life. It will be a never-ending cycle of knowing and living with the thought that he shouldn’t have chosen you.
But only if you let it be.
He made the call. He decided. He knew what he was getting into. You can tell him to go away, to choose the other, to go back, to not choose you, but in the end, it was, is and will always be his decision. Choosing you might have broken his heart for reasons you may never find out, but it doesn’t mean that you have to make things worse for him. Yes, we can never mend a broken heart and make it new again, but we can stitch it back together and make it feel better. The worse thing you can do is to make him feel that he made a bad decision by making it into a burden and carrying it forever. He’s heartbroken. Don’t add fuel to the fire by showing him that you too, are heartbroken because of his decision.
Put the pieces of his heart back together, and appreciate him. Make him feel that he did make the right decision, and that things will definitely be better. He chose you. Make his choice a worthy choice.
III. Would and why.
People do things because of varying reasons, because of varying times. They have different needs, different understandings, and different patterns of thinking, which change over time. I don’t know if I would ever be caught in a situation like this, but I do know that when I do, it will only be because of one of two things: love or guilt.
It’s been a while since I last posted an entry. So much has happened in the past couple of weeks, I barely had enough time to update my blogs, but I guess all the work didn’t stop my brain from thinking too much. In between working, and learning, my mind has made it a habit to think about other things, mostly things that are supposed to be buried in the past. It’s a war in there. One belief, one principle, trying to defeat another. Even I confused myself with which to believe in.
We all believe in different things. We have different belief systems, principles, most of which stem from our own experiences. My belief system was challenged the past five, six weeks. A speck of doubt could ruin even the strongest of beliefs. Wow, I sound serious. But I’m not, really. I just need to let all these things come out.
I wasn’t one who believed in the idea of loving someone for how they physically look. Ever since I found out what the word “crush” meant, in the prepubescent language, I’ve never found myself deeply attracted or attached to someone with a “face.” I’ve always been attracted to someone’s handwriting, communication skills, sob story (yes, pathetic, I know -_-), personality, and ancestry (this is where my love for everything Chinese kicks in). But rarely do I really, “fall in love” with someone handsome, cute, or hot. I don’t think I’ve ever, actually.
What I did believe in was becoming friends with your ex. How can you two “not” be friends, when that’s how your relationship began in the first place? Unless you were both drunk, and unaware of your actions. Kidding aside, I found no harm in becoming friends with an ex. I was a never a fan of letting friends go. As awkward as it may sound, getting to know an ex’s current, wasn’t a big deal for me too. Why can’t we all just be friends, right?
But that’s where the line blurs, at least for me. I have no problem chit-chatting with a boyfriend’s ex, and I for one stand by the saying, “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder,” but I can’t seem to understand these two things when it comes to a certain “past.”
It’s with this particular person that I can’t apply these two things I’ve believed in long ago. When it comes to them, Person A + partner, I just find it very difficult to believe that beauty is indeed in the eye of the beholder. Yes, for a person with low self-esteem, I couldn’t believe how they came to be. I am definitely prettier, I used to say. How could she get him? Belief #1, CRUSHED BY ME. The fact that I couldn’t understand/accept how they came to be automatically crushes Belief #2. I would never, ever talk to her. Even if it meant something to Person A.
I still cannot understand how he liked her. She’s probably smarter, okay. But smart doesn’t nurture a relationship, especially with his level of emotional needs. And I simply cannot imagine myself chit-chatting with her, even if she were the last person on earth. See the blurring of the lines?
If it were any other person, there would be no question as to where I stand. I never was prettier than of my boyfriends’ (past and present) exes, which is why I strongly believe in that saying, and I definitely did not find any harm in meeting/chatting with their new ones. I actually enjoy meeting them and getting to know them (I’m still a romantic deep down, and love stories will always fascinate me). But it is with this person that I am left hanging somewhere in between.
EGO.
That’s why. Even if I was prettier, smarter, more affectionate than her, it will never change the fact that he sees her differently.. And I did NOT approve of how/what he sees in her. I just don’t think she’s showing the “real” her, and him believing her over what I noticed was just an ego-crusher.
No matter how I look at it, how many different examples or scenarios I use, it simply was an issue of ego. I will never come to terms with being replaced by such a girl — a girl I do not find fit for a boy like him, nor will I ever consider, imagine, or even dream of getting to know her. Not today, not in a million years.
I guess this is what others call “the double standard”. My legit exes will always have a place in my heart, and I will always want the best for them. She just wasn’t.
Finally got that out of my head. Whew.
Enjoy and may you be blessed!
when pigs & penguins fly.. 