08/30/2008
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Now I remember why I don’t like going to Megamall. Aside from it being too crowded..
The parking area sucks. The floor’s weird, different from your usual parking space’s [floor]. It causes your car to screech; making your wheel harder (or easier?) to maneuver. Your car’s tires slide through the floor in an unusual manner. The way up and down the parking levels are too steep, too narrow, and too curvy. In short, going there has become much more of a hassle rather than a de-stresser. If Ate Elisa wasn’t working there, I doubt that even the mere thought of going there, would cross my mind. Beauty does come first, right? *wink wink*
**Ate Elisa is my one and only trusted waxer!
On to more pressing matters. My third long test in accounting is coming up and though I’ve been studying and learning, understanding the concepts and principles, my answers always seem to be coming from a different land. Different subject matter. I did, however, get my first correct answer in a homework. *tries to celebrate* But I don’t think that one correct answer will help me pass Accounting 15. Just like one truth, no matter how painful, will help me forget.
It’s raining. Thank God for the rain. I’ve been waiting for it since this morning. It was just terribly hot. Okay, cutting the crap. It’s raining. It’s pouring. No, I am not singing. Just bring her to the damn field and kiss her under the rain already! So I can finally rest. End my pain now. Just get it over with and let her friends know about it so it can reach me soon. I’m tired of thinking about it everyday. How you might kiss her under the rain as well. How my moment will become another woman’s. I’m just so tired of thinking about it. If only I could stop my mind from playing it over and over again, I would. But I just can’t. “It’s always gonna be there, isn’t it? You and me?” At least it will be, for me.
As long as I can see the rain, feel the rain, smell the rain, hear the raindrops, I will always be reminded of you and that one moment I hold so dear to me. As long as I can see it pour down onto this earth; feel it flow through my face, my body; hear the sound of its drops; I will always remember that place, that face, and that special moment we shared. That one moment, I fear, will soon be taken away from me. But as I said earlier, just do it. Take it away already. Lessen the burden I’ve been trying to lift off my back for quite some time now, for I can carry no more. Each day of not knowing, each of day of fearing the day I will know, just adds to the weight I’m already carrying.
The rain hasn’t stopped. Have you kissed her yet? How did she feel when you brought her in the middle of the field, under the pouring rain? When her feet started to get all muddy and wet? Her pants drenched. Her shirt slowly turning into a darker shade because of the rain, or perhaps translucent. Did she start asking what you guys were doing in the middle of a muddy field, soaked in the rain? How did she react when you slowly took her hands, held it tight, and slowly touched her face? When you leaned in closer as you held her cheeks and kissed her ever so softly on the lips? How did she feel? Did it feel exotic, hot, full of lust? Or did it feel weird, strangely unpleasant, like kissing your grandmother or your baby cousin? Or did it feel, was the feeling unexplainable? Like loving just because? How did it feel?
I just want to know if you’re really happy, not pretend happy. I’m at wit’s end trying to come up with ways of convincing myself to be happy for you. Knowing you truly are happy with her might not really help but at least I’d be forced to be happy for you because you are.
You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.
-Eleanor Roosevelt
Yes! I must do things I think I cannot do. O’i. My mind’s starting to malfunction. Haven’t slept in 30 hours. And counting. I should probably take a power nap first before school work starts again. See you at 8!
***
In the pain there is healing.
-Broken, Lifehouse
Reply
08/29/2008
There’s one more interesting thing Sir Chan said but my handwriting is keeping me from sharing it with the world. Here’s what I was able to decipher.
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Why Sir Danny Chan’s LS172 class is my favorite class this semester:
- he looks really adorable! Like a siopao. 很可爱！
- he has a lot of fun stories to tell. Some related to the lecture, some not.
- he’s actually very nice. Really nice but still a teacher. (I heard he’s very strict with lates and absences.)
- heavy workload but you will definitely learn.
- his class teaches you more than doing business in China. 很多 insights.
Here are some insights from Sir Chan’s class last Thursday:
- Wan shi bu ke zhang jiu. (I should’ve copied the characters. They look better.)
For all things, do not force the issue. If it’s yours, it’s yours. If it’s not, let it go.
Sir Chan’s example? The fourth son of the emperor of China who forced himself to the throne by altering the will. He got the throne but he didn’t end up being a good emperor. He soon died.
He gave a more modern version using one of his former students as an example. This girl found out her boyfriend was cheating on her. She asked Sir Chan what she should do. Here’s what he said:
Let him go. If he’s yours, he will come back. If he doesn’t, good riddance.
Guys do not appreciate what they have ’til they lose it. She let him go and he went to the other girl. A year later, he broke it off with the other girl and returned to her. The student’s next question? Sir, should I take him back? Sir Chan’s answer? Do you still have feelings for him?
Yes, sir.
Then go. But..
- You must be willing to accept him for what he is. Wag mo isumbat yung nangyari.
- Make him suffer.
They got married last year.
There’s one more interesting thing Sir Chan said but my handwriting is keeping me from sharing it with the world. Here’s what I was able to decipher.
We __ __ __ __ we want something back? If we lose it, is it the end of the world for you?
And before I forget, nothing is forever.
Quite a lot from a business class, right? Yep, business class. I don’t know if that’s just how he teaches, if they’re just coincidences or if this is some sort of guidance for me. Don’t force things. If it’s yours, it’s yours. It’s the same with, if you let it go and it returns. At that time, I didn’t know what to think. His lesson was what I needed. I could somehow relate to it. But as I said, is this some kind of guidance? I let him go. Will he come back too, just like this guy?
I didn’t share the whole story. The guy cheated because this other girl was spontaneous, exciting, a popcorn (plans just pop out last minute, or out of the blue,) while his girlfriend was very organized, OC, caring (imagine his clothes prepared the day before the meeting.) I know I’m the organized girl. The caring, original girl. The one who would prepare his stuff beforehand. The one who makes sure he’s got everything he needs. The nanny, as Sir Chan calls her. Then again, my story might be different. He might stay with the spontaneous one. The exciting one. But still, it’s been two consecutive weeks. Two consecutive weeks where I’ve heard things as if they were meant for me. I don’t know anymore! I’m so confused! I know these are just words. Coincidences. But my heart is hoping otherwise. Deep inside I want to be that girl. That girl he chooses. A desire far from happening. She’s got him all tied up.
All I wanted was for the friendship to be restored just as it was before she came into the picture. I doubt that’s ever going to happen now. She’s such a, a. Ugh! I just, I can’t type what I want to say. She’s just, JUST! I just wanted to be his best friend again. I wanted my best friend back. I want my best friend back. I want him to talk to me again. About anything, everything under the sun. He can talk to me about her, as long as he still talks to me! We were already doing that. Talking about each other’s prospects. But now, everything has changed. He doesn’t even talk to me at all. Not even a hello. And that’s what ticks me off the most.
***
There is no excuse my friend
For breaking my heart, breaking my heart again
This is where our journey ends
You’re breaking my heart
Again.
-Breaking My Heart Again, Michael Learns to Rock
08/27/2008
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It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But, it is never gone.
-Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy
Someone once told me a similar thing. Time doesn’t heal the wounds. Time only helps us forget. I guess he was right. ’cause he forgot.
There are times when the ghost of that one decision I made, haunts me. A lot of questions start flooding my mind. The most constant of which, “Was he only testing me?” At that moment, I knew I didn’t want to leave. I won’t be able to stand living each day not seeing and talking to him. My life does not depend on him. He’s just someone I could really talk to and spend so much time with having fun. We could talk about anything under the sun — from movies, to food, to life. Just about everything. And people who know me well know that I am not very fond of losing people in my life. I always have a hard time dealing with people who leave.
“I didn’t want to leave. I can’t,” that’s what I thought, when I finally saw him walking down the CTC hallway in this red shirt, with his black Samsonite backpack hanging over one shoulder. “I don’t want to.” But something inside me told me I had to leave. I had to let him go so he can pursue other things he can’t, with me by his side.
Now that decision haunts me. Was it right to let him go? Was he really looking forward to someone else? Someone new? Something else? Or was I just being so paranoid, feeling so much self-pity, that I actually made myself believe he wanted me gone? What if he just wanted to know if I still wanted to stay? That I won’t ever leave his side no matter what, just like I said? What if he was expecting me to say “No, I don’t want to spend less time with you”? What really happened there? Did I hurt him thinking I was doing what he wanted me to?
So many questions left unanswered. So many what-ifs. And all I can do is wonder if one day, I’ll be able to find the answers to them. He’s found someone else. A new me. It still hurts like hell knowing he found someone to replace me. It’ll hurt even more knowing he found her because I left him, when all he wanted was security, assurance, confirmation, that I still wanted to be with him. That being with him wasn’t such a hassle for me but a pleasure. If he only knew that spending time with him was what I was always looking forward to every time I go to school. Nevermind the hassle of going to school five hours earlier or leaving school seven hours later, or the waiting. What mattered was that I was going to spend time, I spent time, with him. If he only knew how much I looked forward to our everyday meetings. Now, he will never know. That girl will make everything feel alright, untouched, undisturbed, unchanged. He will feel as he felt when it was me with him. She will make him feel and think that nothing changed. That he was still there, and this girl was still there, still spending time together. It will be, to him, unchanged. It will be as if that short period of being alone was nothing more but a nightmare. And now, this girl has returned and everything’s back to normal. Nothing has changed.
***
Leaving someone when you love someone
Is the hardest thing to do
When you love someone as much as I love you
I don’t wanna leave you, it tears me up inside
But I’ll never be the one you’re needing.
-I Love You, Goodbye, Celine Dion
08/25/2008
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I should be studying accounting right now. Instead, I’m watching tv. I did get to study a bit yesterday. Not just accounting but a bit of Chinese as well. Wo yinggai fangxin. Haha. Danshi, wo bu keneng. 我想我有看病。 That’s the only explanation I have for being in this kind of mess. Then again, it could be because of that damned four-letter word. Even Ancient China’s most powerful sorceress (watching The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor), fell prey to it, ‘causing her beloved’s tragic (and painful) death. I shall continue my incessant ramblings about life after I finish watching this film and hopefully, studying a bit more of accounting and Chinese.
On the lighter side of life, I still think Rachel Weisz should’ve reprised her role as Eve O’Connell. We, my siblings and I, were expecting the whole O’Connell bunch to be there. The original cast. Made the movie less watchable.
***
Love is like a spice.
It can sweeten your life — however, it can spoil it, too.
-孔夫子
08/23/2008
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Love does not find me worthy.
I have a strong feeling I failed my first ever oral exam in Ateneo. Mix anxiety and unpreparedness, and poof! Koko Krunch! Ugh, I wish it were that way but no. Anxiety on the left plus unpreparedness on the right lands you a big, fat F. I barely studied, or rather prepared, for it. I went through the questions and gave my answers, as if I were already answering my professor. But the whole of last week was just hell. I literally struggled to survive. I can’t believe I’m still such a weak person after everything I’ve been through. It felt like dying a thousand deaths everyday. A thousand, very painful deaths, everyday.
Just let me be. Please just let me be. Stop parading yourself in front of my friends, showing them how you’ve replaced me. Leave me just a little respect and some dignity, for the sake of whatever friendship we had — real or not. My heart is as fragile as yours. And if you could spare me some more kindness, an explanation would really be great and helpful. You know how it feels like to be replaced without any decent explanation. I wish you’d realize you did the same thing your first ex-girlfriend did, which you hated so much.
It’s very difficult being in the dark for so long, not being able to see things clearly. Tripping from time to time, bruising yourself in the process, when someone could just turn on the lights for you and help you see where you’re going. I hope you’d turn on the light for me soon so I could finally see clearly where I’m going.
Your friend is your needs answered.
He is your field which you sow with love and reap with thanksgiving.
And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures.
For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.
Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
From The Prophet by Khalil Gibran
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
***
And everyone’s looking round
Thinking I’m going crazy.
-Bleeding Love, Leona Lewis
08/22/2008
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Now I know.
“You don’t want to see what she’s doing,” Isa said. “You don’t want to see what they’re doing.”
I felt a sharp pain pierce through my chest. I must’ve been one really bad person in the past to deserve such karma. For days, it felt like fate was against me. It felt like it hated me. And this was its cherry on top of its ice cream.
***
Some insights (lessons) from Atty. Danny Chan during our LS class earlier tonight and the teacher from CTC 305.
“There’s so many things I want to hold on to, but I have to let go.” -professor from CTC 305, as I was walking down the hallway on my way back to the classroom
“Wives, cellphones, cars — they’re all the same. Once you already commit to one, something better always comes.”
“If you are waiting for nothing, grab it. Do not wait for nothing.”*
“Same with falling in love. Fall in love with an open eye.”*
“Love is like diving. Do not dive with your eyes closed.”*
*on the Bear and the Fish comic strip discussion
“Face it. They need something from you.” -on people loving you
On the lighter side of life, Francis gave me a cookie. *hugggggies*
***
Life keeps moving on
But my destination is still unknown.
-When the Last Teardrop Falls, Blaque
08/20/2008
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He didn’t hug back. He didn’t.
Am I supposed to think of this as a good thing? Does this mean anything? Is this even worth thinking about? But he was lying down on her lap. On her lap. On the stone benches. The same stone benches.
I saw them today. In the study hall. I was barely two feet away from him and her. They were sitting down, laptop-ing or PSP-ing, I don’t know. I wasn’t able to see clearly. My head turned immediately after spotting them. Reflex, I guess. Looking away. I went to Isa’s earlier than we talked about ’cause I needed to. I just did. She told me to rant, let it all out, and I did. I was that girl a couple of months ago. Then I told Greg about it earlier this evening and he said he always saw them together. On the stone benches. Why the stone benches? Of all places, why’d it have to be the places we used to go to? I know this may seem nothing to you but, I cherish those places. All the places we’ve been to, places that used to be ours — the stone benches, the study hall steps and all the other steps and benches. Our spots. At least leave them to me. To me alone. I’ve always been generous with everything I’ve had and all I’m asking is for you to keep those places untouched. This is the first time I’m being selfish about something so please, allow me to. I want those places to be for me and only me. Just this once, allow me to be selfish.
I asked Greg how she was, since I never got the chance to get a good look at her. “She’s alright,” he said. I asked him to be more specific. You know me, you saw her. What can you say? She was less emo, according to him but very touchy. Figures. He likes touchy girls. “She hugs him.” Wow, that fast? She’ll never beat my first hug anyway, I know it. Bitter much? No. Not really. It’s just that she likes him a lot, I can tell! She hugged him. Really hugged him. But according to Greg, he didn’t hug back. Is that supposed to mean anything to me? Should it? Was she already flirting with him way back? When it was still me? Oh, so many questions. So many questions that need to be answered. But the most important one, not necessarily the first, would be to know if she cares for you as much as I do.
On the lighter side of life, I had my picture taken with Kirk Long today. Haha.
***
Now being without you
Takes a lot of getting used to
Should learn to live with it
But I don’t want to.
-Hard Habit to Break, Chicago
08/18/2008
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She’s baaaaaack!
After months of not seeing her in my Multiply account, she’s back! Well, I’m 90% sure it was her. I doubt her boyfriend would use her account to check my site. She was able to view my homepage only because all the other posts I have, I left viewable to my network only. I wonder if she would’ve check out my vain pictures again if I posted it for everyone? Hmm.. I guess you can’t blame her. She is a jealous girlfriend and jealousy can eat you uuuuup! And make you do things. I still can’t understand why she’d be jealous of me. I hardly speak to her boyfriend (though he is one of my closest friends), and I don’t even get to see him anymore. Besides, I heard they’re back together again. Yes, haha. No insult intended. I’ve been through that on again, off again phase of a relationship and sometimes, you just can’t help but give the other person another chance. Well, I wish them luck or love or trust. Luck to give them chances, more love to keep them going, more trust to stop her from stalking his friends.
***
Remember that I loved you for you. The happy you, the weird you, the childish you, the emo you, the angry you, the tired you, the scared you, the sad you, the cramming you, the sleepy you, the jealous you, the sweet you, the romantic you, the bored you, the studious you, the snob you. All of you. And I might still do but I have to go on with my life and leave you be and behind. Hopefully, time will come when thoughts of you would only be memories that pass by from time to time.
***
You got a way with me.
Somehow you got me to believe.
-You Got A Way, Shania Twain
08/16/2008
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I never thought I’d be able to genuinely say this but, it looks like you’re really happy. I can’t say the same with the way things are going for me but I am trying. All I want is to see you happy and now that you are, I can’t help but feel bad for trying to be happy for you. I should be happy for you, not trying to be. I still have to get used to some things though, like seeing the two of you around, together. I also have to learn to let go of all the things we shared and come to terms with the fact that someone else is going to be doing all those things from now on. Someday, I hope to bump into the two of you with a smile on my face. A smile that says, “I’m happy for you. I really am.”
***
That day, my 50-minute philosophy class felt like an eternity.
I feared that day. The day life would prove me wrong and end my fantasy of you realizing I was the only one. I knew that day would eventually come but denial kept my hopes up, making me believe it wouldn’t. It sent shivers down my spine, looking at the two of you. It felt like I was looking at a mirror : a mirror from the past.
Seeing you lying on her lap as she does her own thing made my heart race, my head hurt, and my body freeze. The truth was right there in front of me and no matter how much I deny it, it wasn’t going to go away. You’ve found someone and moved on. There’s nothing more I could do. There’s nothing I could do or say to make it go away.
I just want to forget. To forget not because I want to erase all our memories together but because I have to learn to let go and let her take over. Without the uneasiness, the jealousy, the hurt. I can’t believe how uncomfortable that felt. No, it wasn’t painful. It was uncomfortable. Or maybe, just maybe it still hurt.. a bit.
***
I don’t want to remember
the things we used to do.
All the things that remind me of you.
-Pain in my Heart, Neocolors
08/14/2008
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What hurts the most..
What hurts the most?
It wasn’t being so close. It wasn’t having so much to say. It wasn’t watching you walk away. It wasn’t in never knowing what could’ve been, nor was it in not seeing that loving you was what I was trying to do. Gawd. I’m singing, not blogging. But seriously, what hurts the most? Being the last to know.
You’ve told me countless times to tell you when I get a new guy. I told you I would. I asked you to do the same. You said you would. You would.
It hurts all the same. Being close. This close. Having so much left to say, watching you walk away. But what really hurt was in knowing. In knowing that other people knew before I did.
I felt like a fool. Our common friends probably having a pity-party over me. My friends worrying about me, for some reason I didn’t know then. You said you’d tell. And no matter how things ended between us, I still trusted you. In your word. Remember when everyone else doubted you? Your so-called friends who hurt and left you? I stayed, didn’t I? I stayed because I trusted you. I had faith in you. I believed in you. Now, everything seems to be falling apart. The least you could’ve done was to leave me an IM, letting me know about this girl’s existence. No explanations included. Just a simple message saying you’re going out with a girl. I don’t even need you to name her. I just needed you, not my best friend, not my blockmate, not my blockmate’s friend, to tell me. Like we agreed on.
That’s what hurt the most. In feeling betrayed by someone I trusted completely. By someone I know, knows how bad it hurts to be betrayed by someone you trust. And that’s just what you did. You know what’s worse? Being betrayed by someone you trust; and being compared to a group of people who are nowhere near who you truly are. You’re good. You’re really good. You hit both with one shot. One shot.
***
I’d take another chance, take a fall, take a shot for you.
I loved you with a fire red, now it’s turning blue.
You tell me that you need me,
Then you go and cut me down.
It’s too late to apologize.
-Apologize, Boyce Avenue
when pigs & penguins fly.. 