I never thought I’d be able to genuinely say this but, it looks like you’re really happy. I can’t say the same with the way things are going for me but I am trying. All I want is to see you happy and now that you are, I can’t help but feel bad for trying to be happy for you. I should be happy for you, not trying to be. I still have to get used to some things though, like seeing the two of you around, together. I also have to learn to let go of all the things we shared and come to terms with the fact that someone else is going to be doing all those things from now on. Someday, I hope to bump into the two of you with a smile on my face. A smile that says, “I’m happy for you. I really am.”
***
That day, my 50-minute philosophy class felt like an eternity.
I feared that day. The day life would prove me wrong and end my fantasy of you realizing I was the only one. I knew that day would eventually come but denial kept my hopes up, making me believe it wouldn’t. It sent shivers down my spine, looking at the two of you. It felt like I was looking at a mirror : a mirror from the past.
Seeing you lying on her lap as she does her own thing made my heart race, my head hurt, and my body freeze. The truth was right there in front of me and no matter how much I deny it, it wasn’t going to go away. You’ve found someone and moved on. There’s nothing more I could do. There’s nothing I could do or say to make it go away.
I just want to forget. To forget not because I want to erase all our memories together but because I have to learn to let go and let her take over. Without the uneasiness, the jealousy, the hurt. I can’t believe how uncomfortable that felt. No, it wasn’t painful. It was uncomfortable. Or maybe, just maybe it still hurt.. a bit.
***
I don’t want to remember
the things we used to do.
All the things that remind me of you.
-Pain in my Heart, Neocolors
when pigs & penguins fly.. 