08/16/2011
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Sometimes, I worry that I might lose a very special person in my life — my best friend and boyfriend. This isn’t the first time I felt this way. During the latter part of our college days, we became so close that people actually started thinking something was going on between us, only for us to end up so far away from each other due to personal baggage. Now that we’re both working, I’m starting to feel that fear once again.
I was never one who gets jealous, or does crazy things when in love. I usually do my thing and wait for things to unfold. I don’t worry about my love life once it exists. I don’t worry about being cheated on. I don’t worry about being left behind. But somehow, this inevitable change has triggered something in me. Something that is making me feel things I shouldn’t be feeling, like fear. Let’s go on a side trip.
I am one of the few who believe that Marian Rivera’s lack of social grace and manners towards female co-workers stem from her deep fear of losing her beau, Dingdong Dantes (whom she snatched away from singer Karylle.) Karma’s a bitch, they say. I guess she’s afraid of meeting the same fate this other girl had because of her. I did not snatch or steal anyone from anyone but sometimes, I feel like I never deserved him in the first place. As I said, I wasn’t one to act but rather, I was one who JUST waits. Having him in my life other than being just a best friend seemed like a very huge black stain landed on a white piece of paper — it wasn’t how things were supposed to be. And this brings me to that feeling of fear. The fear of losing my best friend and my boyfriend to someone else at work, because he and I together was just another misplaced event in the order of things on earth.
The workplace is just like a real world classroom. There are teachers who teach you things, teach you everything, down to the last detail, and classmates, whom you interact with and eventually build relationships with. I know one of the reasons his past relationship didn’t work was because they barely had time for each other since they were both studying in different schools. That’s what’s scaring me now: Gus and I growing apart just because we can’t do the things we were used to doing when we had all the time in the world.
A couple of days back, I read this really long but meaningful quote from a woman who was talking about her deceased husband. A line from it goes:
“Every single moment that we were alive and we were together was miraculous-not miraculous in the sense of inexplicable or supernatural. We knew we were beneficiaries of chance. That pure chance could be so generous and so kind. That we could find each other, as Carl wrote so beautifully in Cosmos, you know, in the vastness of space and the immensity of time. That we could be together for twenty years. That is something which sustains me and it’s much more meaningful. The way he treated me and the way I treated him, the way we took care of each other and our family, while he lived. That is so much more important than the idea I will see him someday. I don’t think I’ll ever see Carl again. But I saw him. We saw each other. We found each other in the cosmos, and that was wonderful.”
— Ann Druyan, talking about Carl Sagan after his death
I’ve always been afraid of change. Of losing people I think I don’t deserve. I don’t know if I will ever get over my fear of change but reading this quote made me feel so thankful for what I have NOW. I always worry about the things that have not happened yet (because I believe it’s better to be prepared for the unexpected, or worse, the worst) that I fail to fully appreciate what’s in front of me right now. It is true. Meeting each other in the vastness of this world, this lifetime, is a miracle in itself already. It reminds me of a very famous quote from a TV series back then that goes, “At this moment there are 6,470,818,671 people in the world. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day. Others are just now facing the truth. Some are evil men, at war with good. And some are good, struggling with evil. Six billion people in the world. Six billion souls. And sometimes.. all you need is one.” (One Tree Hill, 3×01)
Finding that one person you need for the rest of your life is a miracle. You can be a lot of things. You can be scared, you can tell lies to get through your day, you can be struggling with good or evil, but in the end, being with that someone right here, right now, is enough. Of all the people in the world, you found the one. You found each other. Enjoy it. Live it to the fullest. No regrets, no hesitation, no fear. Because at the end of it all, you found the one others may not have or are still searching for.
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08/07/2011
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I should’ve written this a long time ago.
Back in 2008, December 30 to be exact, I almost died. It was a time when I wasn’t living at home. I was staying over a friend’s house and I guess, their carpet fibers triggered my dormant asthma. Their family was busy making preparations for New Year’s Eve that I felt uncomfortable bothering them with the attack. I got into my car and decided to head to the hospital.
While I was driving though, I felt something different. Whenever I had asthma attacks before, it never came to the point wherein I felt my air passage literally being blocked. I got scared because I’ve never felt that way before with any of my asthma attacks. I usually just had difficulty in breathing, and wheezing but not to the point that I felt something blocking my throat/esophagus/tunnel where-air-comes-from. I was breathing through my nose but I still had difficulty breathing. I called my good friend Isa, who lived near where I was. I asked her if she could meet me and accompany me to the hospital, just in case I couldn’t drive anymore. Yes, that was how scared I felt. We rushed into the ER of a hospital in Ortigas, and asked the security if I could just park in front of the ER because of my condition. Thank God for his kindness, he just asked me not to block the ER’s entrance.
I brought out my health card (since it was the only thing I had, no cash then) and asked the nurse if they accepted health cards (I just assumed they did since it was a private hospital.) The nurse asked me to fill up a form and wait. After submitting my form, another nurse transferred me into a wheelchair and brought me in the ER proper.
That’s where I almost died.
A doctor interviewed me and asked what medicine I usually use for my attacks. I told her I had always used Ventolin. She asked if it was okay if they used a different Salbutamol solution. I said it was okay. As long as it was for asthma attacks, the brand didn’t matter. After the interview, I waited for the nebulizer. I felt my air passage being blocked more and more. The block was rising every couple of minutes or so. An hour had passed, still no nebulizer. *For those of you who don’t know, a nebulizer is like a little machine that releases oxygen. Only, it releases evaporated medicine, not oxygen. This smoke is then inhaled by the patient to relieve him or her of difficulty in breathing.
Isa was holding my hand, checking up on me every so often, asking if I could still handle it. With every question, I answered with okay. I could still manage to breathe somehow, it was my worry that when my air passage completely closes, I wouldn’t know what to do, where to breathe. Time passed by again and I could feel my air passage completely closing. I was just praying then and hoping for a nurse, a doctor, to bring the nebulizer. Isa had already asked a nurse again, followed up on my nebulizer, to which the nurse told her to wait for a moment. Two hours had passed and I couldn’t control myself any longer. Isa saw how pale I looked already and I pinched her, telling her I couldn’t handle it any longer. Yes, the nebulizer still wasn’t with us. Sas had followed up with nurses, doctors, anyone who passed by us, and the machine still wasn’t there. After telling her how I couldn’t feel any air coming from my throat anymore, she stood up and blocked a doctor who was walking our way and demanded that she bring the nebulizer right now. She “scolded” the doctor, telling her about my condition, and how she had asked different nurses and doctors already for the nebulizer in the last two hours, and that no one has bothered to bring it and check up on me. I’ve never seen Isa explode that way before but I was thankful. I couldn’t get any air out of my mouth anymore and I was feeling weak. Just minutes after, a male nurse brought a nebulizer and attended to me. I WAS SO THANKFUL. I thought I was going to die that day, in that sad situation.
After the treatment, I was so thankful that I could breathe again. That I could inhale and exhale freely again. But at the same time, I felt like a bomb ready to explode. What the hell were the nurses and doctors thinking? Attending to? The ER was quiet that night, no major emergency whatsoever and it took them TWO freaking hours to get me a nebulizer! What were they waiting for? For me to collapse from lack of oxygen?! I am thankful for their nebulizer but I am in no way, trusting them again with my life. Before I do again, they better review their ER SOPs. I am not putting my life on their hands again with that kind of service.
Fast forward to three years from then, why am I writing about this just now? I had already expressed my deep regret in choosing that hospital that fateful night to my closest friends after the Christmas break of 2008. But a recent event involving that same hospital, which cost the life of one of my dearest friends beloved, urged me to share my own experience. Three years may have passed but hearing about their lapse in judgement, their failure to adhere to SOPs (or maybe lack thereof) AGAIN, leading to the demise of someone I know, just bugged me into writing and sharing with everyone what happened to me because of the same thing. This is meant to inform people of how their service is, to hopefully reach their administrator so he/she can make changes about the way the hospital is run.
I am no doctor but I do know that doctors are trained for years to make sure they do the right thing, leading to the right decision, hopefully, saving a life. Just like an architect, an engineer, a lawyer, there are basic routines, check lists, TTDs that are taught to them. The basics of any job. They study about it so they know what they must do when they are faced with the same or similar situation. There is no room for carelessness because they are dealing with lives. Next time, I hope they don’t forget to go back to the basics.
08/03/2011
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“Kayo ha. Huwag kayong mag-aaway.”
With a tight grip on both our hands, this was the first thing a very good friend, Honey, told Gus and I when we visited her boyfriend, Sean’s (Gus’s Xavier batchmate), wake last night.
Honey is a very good friend and confidant. We’ve seen and heard each other’s struggles in life, in love, in org work back in college. I’ve seen her at her happiest, and of course, her saddest. Just a few months back, I finally saw the happy Honey I knew. With a twinkle in her eye, a very big smile, I knew that she was finally back. All because of one person I only had a brief hi/hello with — Sean.
But just like that, like a cruel twist of fate, Honey lost it. Sean suffered from complications from a muscle tear two weeks ago and never recovered.
I know it’s too late but I wish I got to know more about, got to know, Sean. I believe he was a very good person. He loved Honey very much and he made her happy. Those are definitely a few traits of a person worth knowing: if he loves and takes care of one of your really good friends. To Sean, thank you for loving and taking care of Honey. I know you will continue to love and watch over her from up above. Give her strength to go through this. I know you will always be with her.
Honey, be strong. We know you’re one strong woman and in case you feel like just giving up, your friends will always be there for you. We will always be here for you.
Life is too short to spend most of your time fighting, disagreeing, hurting people you love. Don’t let life convince you it really is before realizing how blessed you still are for having the people you love still in your life right now.
when pigs & penguins fly.. 