Sometimes, I worry that I might lose a very special person in my life — my best friend and boyfriend. This isn’t the first time I felt this way. During the latter part of our college days, we became so close that people actually started thinking something was going on between us, only for us to end up so far away from each other due to personal baggage. Now that we’re both working, I’m starting to feel that fear once again.
I was never one who gets jealous, or does crazy things when in love. I usually do my thing and wait for things to unfold. I don’t worry about my love life once it exists. I don’t worry about being cheated on. I don’t worry about being left behind. But somehow, this inevitable change has triggered something in me. Something that is making me feel things I shouldn’t be feeling, like fear. Let’s go on a side trip.
I am one of the few who believe that Marian Rivera’s lack of social grace and manners towards female co-workers stem from her deep fear of losing her beau, Dingdong Dantes (whom she snatched away from singer Karylle.) Karma’s a bitch, they say. I guess she’s afraid of meeting the same fate this other girl had because of her. I did not snatch or steal anyone from anyone but sometimes, I feel like I never deserved him in the first place. As I said, I wasn’t one to act but rather, I was one who JUST waits. Having him in my life other than being just a best friend seemed like a very huge black stain landed on a white piece of paper — it wasn’t how things were supposed to be. And this brings me to that feeling of fear. The fear of losing my best friend and my boyfriend to someone else at work, because he and I together was just another misplaced event in the order of things on earth.
The workplace is just like a real world classroom. There are teachers who teach you things, teach you everything, down to the last detail, and classmates, whom you interact with and eventually build relationships with. I know one of the reasons his past relationship didn’t work was because they barely had time for each other since they were both studying in different schools. That’s what’s scaring me now: Gus and I growing apart just because we can’t do the things we were used to doing when we had all the time in the world.
A couple of days back, I read this really long but meaningful quote from a woman who was talking about her deceased husband. A line from it goes:
“Every single moment that we were alive and we were together was miraculous-not miraculous in the sense of inexplicable or supernatural. We knew we were beneficiaries of chance. That pure chance could be so generous and so kind. That we could find each other, as Carl wrote so beautifully in Cosmos, you know, in the vastness of space and the immensity of time. That we could be together for twenty years. That is something which sustains me and it’s much more meaningful. The way he treated me and the way I treated him, the way we took care of each other and our family, while he lived. That is so much more important than the idea I will see him someday. I don’t think I’ll ever see Carl again. But I saw him. We saw each other. We found each other in the cosmos, and that was wonderful.”
— Ann Druyan, talking about Carl Sagan after his death
I’ve always been afraid of change. Of losing people I think I don’t deserve. I don’t know if I will ever get over my fear of change but reading this quote made me feel so thankful for what I have NOW. I always worry about the things that have not happened yet (because I believe it’s better to be prepared for the unexpected, or worse, the worst) that I fail to fully appreciate what’s in front of me right now. It is true. Meeting each other in the vastness of this world, this lifetime, is a miracle in itself already. It reminds me of a very famous quote from a TV series back then that goes, “At this moment there are 6,470,818,671 people in the world. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day. Others are just now facing the truth. Some are evil men, at war with good. And some are good, struggling with evil. Six billion people in the world. Six billion souls. And sometimes.. all you need is one.” (One Tree Hill, 3×01)
Finding that one person you need for the rest of your life is a miracle. You can be a lot of things. You can be scared, you can tell lies to get through your day, you can be struggling with good or evil, but in the end, being with that someone right here, right now, is enough. Of all the people in the world, you found the one. You found each other. Enjoy it. Live it to the fullest. No regrets, no hesitation, no fear. Because at the end of it all, you found the one others may not have or are still searching for.
when pigs & penguins fly.. 