when pigs & penguins fly..

Monthly Archives: April 2009

two birds, one stone

04/29/2009

Ang mabigat, gumagaan kapag binitawan.


Learn to let go when you’re hurting too much.


The sentence that ends one of Xianne’s texts. Something heavy does become lighter when you let go of it. After reading it, after some days of thinking about it, I realized that something heavy does become lighter when you let go of it. Letting you go somehow made me feel lighter inside. I won’t say there aren’t days when tears form behind my eyes but, I definitely felt lighter than usual after [letting go]. I still carry that day, those days I let you go, with me every day. And it gets to me. It’s what makes living every day of my life difficult. It’s like this heavy burden I carry every day. And yet, somehow, now that I think of it, there’s a sense of uplifting in that. Somehow, I feel lighter than before. I don’t understand why, I can’t even explain it well enough for others to understand. I like it this way. Feeling light and normal. I’d have to admit it’s quite boring though. Life seems to be in black and white now. I’ve been hoping to see you come around. To come back, for a change. I guess that’ll never happen. You never did go after me or our friendship back then, what was I thinking when I thought you might actually do so when I called it off? No hard feelings though. I guess that’s just who you are and it was wrong of me to even expect something more from you. I just have to let everything out. I have to learn how to let everything out at the exact moment I feel, I think of it. I have to stop bottling up all these feelings because now, everything just pops out randomly. It’s as if my sentences don’t end when I think they’re at the end already. So forgive me if letters like this never seem to stop. I will start learning how to say what I want immediately to avoid this kind of situation from happening again. I really hope this would be the last time I write about these things. I hope this sums up everything already.


I genuinely hope you are doing well. I won’t lie. I miss looking after you, so do take care of yourself please.


I guess this is the real goodbye.


***

So close

And still.. so far.

-So Close, Jon McLaughlin




As for you.. It’s about time you discover what you really want. You can’t just dangle in this life. Don’t settle for things you’re already used to and cling on to them just because they’re convenient for you. What do you really want? Answer that question and it’ll lead you somewhere better. Stop being stationary. Do something to find out, to discover what you really want. Once you find out what that something, or even someone is, start there. That’s when you’ll start moving forward in life.


***

Help me decide

Help me to make out my life

Wouldn’t I save you?

-Save You, Matthew Perryman Jones


Posted by in Uncategorized

Reply

sleepy

04/21/2009
Forced to write. Yes, I am forced to write. I’ve been wanting to write about my first day in school this term but my memory fails me almost always. I may be typing but my head is not working. I cannot process words or thoughts I’d like to let out. It hurts. My head hurts. I just finished reading articles for both my classes and now, now what?

So many things I want to write about. So many things I want to let out. A lot of things have happened the past few days and I think they’ve been stuck in my head for too long now. As I continue to procrastinate, the essence of what I’ve been thinking about, I fear, will pass me by. But I just feel so tired. Maybe a gist of everything can make up for this long due entry.

I need to think things through one more time. I need clarity and peace of mind.

***
And when you see what you need to see
When you find you
Come back to me.
-Come Back to Me, David Cook

Posted by in Uncategorized

Reply

selfish

04/19/2009
This is why I’d rather live life as a rock star: living on the edge, no troubles, no worries. No pain and suffering. Physical pain may be present, if you know what I mean, but not the emotional. Living as if life is one big party and you’re the life of it. Living a life with no worries: I might get caught, I might offend, I might regret. Living as if there’s no tomorrow and all you’ve got is today to live out all your wildest dreams and fantasies.

Living without the risk of getting hurt where it really hurts.

As I type this now, it is officially a Monday morning. Yes, after posting this, the time and date will reflect yesterday’s because I originally had planned to write about this yesterday but school work had to be done first. I typed in a few words and the auto save feature saved this entry as yesterday’s. Moving on..

It is a very early Monday morning and I’ve no clue as to why I still am continuing with this entry. I’ve finished my histo paper and had printed it, I’m halfway through my cup of warm milk, and all I’ve got to do is take my pillow and lie on my bed. I do need to be in school earlier than usual later. But still, I continue to type. Had I finished this entry yesterday, when all kinds of emotions were still running through my system, I would have a clear understanding of why I am typing this. And so, I would use that instead because if I continue to wonder about the “why” I am writing about this now, it would probably take me ’til the morning to figure it out.

“Oh my god, she cried.” That’s what started all of this. Reading those words was enough to convince me. She really does (or did) love him. I’m not quite sure for I didn’t read the whole thing nor did I have any intentions of doing so. But those words, yes those few words, had me convinced. She wasn’t heartless after all. All of a sudden, I felt this weird feeling inside of me. I felt her pain, or so I think I did. Nevertheless, the feeling was strangely familiar, though I know it couldn’t be. I was deeply saddened. I couldn’t explain why but I did. I felt a surge of sadness overcome my entire being. It wasn’t only his sadness I could feel but also hers. For the first time ever, I felt her sadness.

My chest felt heavy afterwards, not understanding why. I felt tears form in my eyes, not knowing why. All these were unanswered questions that may never be answered. Ever. It’s not in my place to ask, to wonder, to inquire. Heck, it’s none of my business. That’s why I stopped asking.

Why couldn’t two people who love each other work this out? That’s probably what my $1 million dollar question would be. All the problems, all the misunderstandings, all the fights are way petty as compared to the love these two people share. I don’t have to understand, because it’s not my place to understand. This is between these two people but I feel strongly about this matter. I believe love can overcome all these, no matter how cliche that may sound. And I guess I’m confounded as to why they can’t.

This whole ordeal has gotten me in the middle of one hell of an emotional whirlwind. I WANT them to make it work, despite my irrelevance in their situation. I want them to, I want them to, I WANT them to. I don’t understand why but I’m guessing I subconsciously looked up to them as a basis, a living example of true love. Yes, I didn’t think she was right for him, after hearing everything he has gone through but love, love has nothing to do with being the right or wrong one for someone. Love simply overcomes two people and brings them together, no matter how different they are. Then, it helps these two people be the perfect one for each other. No matter how crazed their relationship was, I was hoping, expecting them to last.

And now, they’ve both placed a period in their relationship. An end. I still can’t explain the sadness I’m feeling when this is clearly not a relationship I am involved in. Yet the feeling.. The feeling is strangely familiar. The feeling is strange to begin with. It’s like crying over a popped balloon that wasn’t even yours. Is this where that thing called love has brought me to? A place where love that has failed, in general, affects me greatly?

It’s not my place. It’s not my concern. Maybe sadness is a shared emotion. Maybe it has its way of making itself felt to people who have felt it before. Over and over it makes its presence known. To everyone who has felt it. Overcoming it doesn’t matter. As long as you’ve felt it before, it’ll come back to you.

Maybe, just maybe. That’s why.

***
Best thing ’bout tonight is that we’re not fighting.
-Fall For You (Acoustic), Secondhand Serenade

Posted by in Uncategorized

Reply

footnote

04/08/2009
Decisions, decisions.. Why am I even thinking about this? Oh, here’s why.

I’m trying to be a better person, a better friend. I don’t want to cause any more trouble for any of my friends, especially those I deeply care for. That’s why.

I don’t want to get in between people. And as much as I’d like to believe that our friendship is unlike any other, because it is unlike any other, I can’t anymore. It seems to always find itself in a path, which leads to trouble. And that’s something I don’t want for you. Not that I have any right to impose it. Let’s just say I want to uncomplicate things.

So, decisions, decisions. A decision must be made.

And it shall be made tonight.

***
When you’re lost, lost, lost in love
You never wanna find your way out.
You never want to be
You never want to be found.
-Found, Phillip LaRue

Posted by in Uncategorized

Reply

bleach

04/03/2009
Fate seems to be toying with me again. Yet again. April Fool’s Day was last Wednesday! 😐 Just a few hours ago, Fave sends me a message about you. Why does it still feel wonderful when I hear the going ons in your life? I guess it’s because it somehow makes me feel like I’m still a part of it. Even if reality says otherwise.

I would’ve given everything to be Fave a while ago. At least he gets to talk to you. But I know everything is as it should be. Until fate (?) or whatever universal forces started toying with my head again. >.<

After getting the message from Fave, I continued with my cleaning spree. My interview for the AFICS VP position was rescheduled to tomorrow so, my afternoon suddenly became free. But I had to do something. My mind was set on being busy the whole afternoon and I just couldn’t stand not doing anything. Since I cleaned pretty much everything that had to be cleaned, organized everything that had to be organized, ironed, washed, and hung everything that had to be ironed, washed, and hung, I continued my cleaning spree by getting my hands into my wallet. I transferred all my coins to a coin purse since I’d be commuting for the meeting tomorrow (no way am I bringing my car and subjecting it to that kind of heavy traffic.) Seeing that all the receipts were piling up and making my wallet bulkier, I decided to transfer all the receipts into my old wallet as well.

This is the part where fate or whatever universal force steps in..

When I opened my empty wallet (as I had already cleaned it before, transferring receipts, money, IDs into my new wallet), my Smart Buddy SIM card falls off. Slides out of nowhere. I thought I had lost it way back but here it was, right in front of me. I couldn’t believe it. If you know me well, I’m sure you have a pretty good guess of what I had done next: Insert it in my phone.

Damn, why do I continue believing you’d send me a message someday? Why do I continue hoping we’d start talking again? Why do I have to check if there are SIM messages (still) stored in it, even if I already know for sure that some messages are still stored? I don’t know if that “smart” move was helpful or not. I ended up teary-eyed after looking at some of your messages, but the one message that started it was not from you but from our only common, close friend:

If you love him, fight for him. You might be the one he needs to snap out of his problems.

I wanted (I still do) to be with you. But I just had to let you walk away. I want to be the one you run to, just like before. I want to be the one who’s by your side as you go through all this crap. I can’t stand seeing you go through all this alone. I can’t stand the fact that you’re still unhappy, even after I left, thinking I was the hindrance to your happiness. I want to see you happy. Even if it still hurts so damn much.

I bought some chocolates yesterday as I was having some pictures printed. I don’t know if that was fate as well that brought me to that store where they sold your hard-to-find-but-I-don’t-mind-finding favorite chocolate, but I somehow found myself inside it. When I was looking for that picture place, not that American Dollar store, who surprisingly sold that kind of chocolate. Strange much? Yes, for me. Anyway, it’s sitting inside my fridge. Still hoping I’d get to give you a bar or two, or knowing me, the whole pack when you come visit me, someday soon. When you decide to break the silence..

Please break the silence.

***
I know I’m not the best for you
But promise that you’ll stay..
And these words they have no meaning
If we cannot find the feeling that we held on to together.

Try your hardest to remember.
-Like A Knife (Acoustic), Secondhand Serenade

Posted by in Uncategorized

Reply


Blog at WordPress.com.