Ang mabigat, gumagaan kapag binitawan.
Learn to let go when you’re hurting too much.
The sentence that ends one of Xianne’s texts. Something heavy does become lighter when you let go of it. After reading it, after some days of thinking about it, I realized that something heavy does become lighter when you let go of it. Letting you go somehow made me feel lighter inside. I won’t say there aren’t days when tears form behind my eyes but, I definitely felt lighter than usual after [letting go]. I still carry that day, those days I let you go, with me every day. And it gets to me. It’s what makes living every day of my life difficult. It’s like this heavy burden I carry every day. And yet, somehow, now that I think of it, there’s a sense of uplifting in that. Somehow, I feel lighter than before. I don’t understand why, I can’t even explain it well enough for others to understand. I like it this way. Feeling light and normal. I’d have to admit it’s quite boring though. Life seems to be in black and white now. I’ve been hoping to see you come around. To come back, for a change. I guess that’ll never happen. You never did go after me or our friendship back then, what was I thinking when I thought you might actually do so when I called it off? No hard feelings though. I guess that’s just who you are and it was wrong of me to even expect something more from you. I just have to let everything out. I have to learn how to let everything out at the exact moment I feel, I think of it. I have to stop bottling up all these feelings because now, everything just pops out randomly. It’s as if my sentences don’t end when I think they’re at the end already. So forgive me if letters like this never seem to stop. I will start learning how to say what I want immediately to avoid this kind of situation from happening again. I really hope this would be the last time I write about these things. I hope this sums up everything already.
I genuinely hope you are doing well. I won’t lie. I miss looking after you, so do take care of yourself please.
I guess this is the real goodbye.
***
So close
And still.. so far.
-So Close, Jon McLaughlin
As for you.. It’s about time you discover what you really want. You can’t just dangle in this life. Don’t settle for things you’re already used to and cling on to them just because they’re convenient for you. What do you really want? Answer that question and it’ll lead you somewhere better. Stop being stationary. Do something to find out, to discover what you really want. Once you find out what that something, or even someone is, start there. That’s when you’ll start moving forward in life.
***
Help me decide
Help me to make out my life
Wouldn’t I save you?
-Save You, Matthew Perryman Jones
when pigs & penguins fly.. 