This is going to be a long entry.
As I start writing, I realize how my few, not-so-often, Sunday entries, are the most deep and heartfelt ones. I didn’t plan on it. Heck, I didn’t even plan on writing on Sundays. From this introductory paragraph, I’m guessing you’ve already deduced how this entry is going to be. Another one that just hits the heart hard.
I was supposed to type this entry down last night but I fell asleep. I was thinking about how I’d start this one. There were a lot of things going through my mind yesterday that I had a hard time deciding which one to use to open up the entry of my very interesting day. Here goes..
We attended mass.
I remember it was just last Thursday when I was expressing my jealousy over Favian’s friend who attended mass everyday with her boyfriend back then, before they broke up. I’ve always wanted to go to mass with him, even if we were just friends then. It was something that would’ve meant so much to me had it happened. But the first time we had a chance to do so, we were separated. I stayed with Lienne and her friends, while he stayed with his. I saw him at Gesu but he was with his friends so I decided not to approach him anymore, even if we did talk about going together. He, on the other hand, did not see me. After that, we weren’t given another chance of attending together. Things fell apart. How could we still attend mass together, now that we weren’t even speaking to each other?
I think I mentioned about my breaking down last Monday. It was over some family issue but I found myself telling Isa how much I wanted to hug him after crying for an hour or so on the phone. I was crying because of anger, pain, and whatever reasons I can’t think of right now, over that
still existing family issue, when I started thinking about him and how much I just needed him. He was online for some hours then, which I think was also a factor for my sudden desire to see him. Isa encouraged me to text him, but I was so scared of doing so. A lot of questions hindered me from pressing the SEND key, like, ‘What if he doesn’t care anymore?’ or ‘What if he doesn’t reply?’ or ‘What if it was just for formality’s sake that he told me I could still text him whenever I had problems?’ After a while, I just did. Message sent.He didn’t reply.
Yet. I felt stupid for sending the message when suddenly, my phone beeps. He had just arrived from mass, that’s why. He asked me what was up. I told him I wanted to see him.. To check up on him. *face palm* So I won’t appear, uh, needy. He bought it, saying he was still sick. And with that, I ended the conversation with a ‘get well soon.’Still hung up on yesterday’s happenings, I sent him another message come Tuesday morning. To meet up. I knew he wouldn’t reply. I was expecting he wouldn’t. But he did. And he set to meet after his class. Long story short, we met up and talked.
Come Thursday morning, and I mean
morning, he sends me a message asking if we could meet up again, same as Tuesday’s. And we did. We were both better then. We were laughing more, talking more (though there was a point wherein I started to feel irritated when he mentioned what happened to him and that mushroom), just being giddy more. After our time, he and Diane met up. Then we all met up when Diane saw Gus and I walking near Xavier Hall. Talk, talk, talk. I felt a bit weird and uneasy though, because he was acting pretty strange. This is the part where Favian and I talked. Yes! We saw Favian and Nox too, and they both spent some time with us on the benches of RSF.I cut all my classes last Friday for my unfinished Chinese histo paper but went to school after I did, for Heights’ book launch. Well, what do you know? He passed by.
*remembers to hang Xianne* He left soon after but came back to see Diane, who was late (what’s new? Haha). So we ended up talking first. Diane arrives, they leave. Diane returns so we (Xianne, Sel, Diane, and I) can have dinner. Two missed calls. From him *big eyes* In Xianne’s words, “Bakit ba praning ka?” I asked him why he called but he didn’t reply anymore. Which brings us to yesterday’s interesting, very interesting happenings.He replies at nearly midnight, asking if we could go to the JEEP integration thing together and maybe have lunch before. I said yes, which starts the interesting, oh-so-interesting Saturday afternoon I had.
We met up at Leong, where some of my friends saw us — some grinning, some wondering, others just clueless. I did have my own share of grinning when Nox and I saw each other. *winks at Nox* During the integration, there was this student speaker who reminded me so much of him. The spacing out, the dazed look, the funniness, all reminded me of him. That’s when I realized how much I really missed him. After the integration, we had mass.
I enjoyed the mass. It’s been a year or so since I last went to church. This was the first time I listened intently to the sermon of a Catholic mass. And I really enjoyed it. Though there were some pretty awkward moments during the service: The priest was sharing some thoughts on Christmas, since Christmas is only a few days away. Then, he mentions some people’s wishes this Christmas.. Those who wish for this and that, those who wish to FIND A LOVER *mental face palm* And he just had to mention that. Would he have if he knew former lovers were actually seated together in a mass he was officiating?
Boinkers. I don’t know if this next thing he mentioned is awkward or appropriate, for the two lonely souls sitting together, trying to fix themselves and repair their broken hearts.. Now that you’ve found love, go and share it with others.We went to Jollibee to eat after. We had one of those talks again — the one where sea creatures scare the hell out of him. Hahahaha. I missed that. I saw the little boy I was missing so much once again. On our way out, we saw some of my friends again. The same bunch who saw us earlier — Honey, Gelo, Matt, and Chaw. Honey gave me a tight and long hug.
Thank you, Haneh!Upon entering Ateneo again, he dragged me to the field. Literally dragged me by the wrist. Ouch. When I realized where we were going, I didn’t know how to react to the situation. We were going back to the field. To the spot. To our spot. I call it our spot ’cause it’s where we always go to whenever we hang out in the field. Then it starts to drizzle. *broken heart does not know whether to break further or not anymore* I was very much dazed, confused, clueless as to how I would welcome the situation that I.. asked for a sign. And I think I did.
We’re going to hang out more soon. Just stay at home and watch tv, Jack TV per his request. And Diane’s video too.
*evil laugh* I actually like the idea. This is how I’d like to chill with boy friends. He thought of it, which is why I’m so excited and looking forward to it. He always gets it right. Those things. Gawd. This entry is so incoherent. Am I okay or not? Confused or not? Sad or not? I don’t know. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t. I remember being hit hard by the priest a couple of times, one of which I do remember is, when he hopes we get our Christmas wishes granted. I don’t have a Christmas wish in mind, to be perfectly honest, that’s why I had a hard time answering Sel and Diane’s question. But when he said that, I remember feeling so thankful, as if my non-existent wish was already granted. Weird. Whenever I think about it, I still feel like a wish was granted. I just don’t know what. As I said, I don’t have a wish in mind. But the feeling.. It’s still here. I still feel like a wish was granted.I missed him. Not just him but everything else about him. His spacing out; the way he just makes me laugh, without any intentions of doing so; his weird Homer-like reactions; the
kakulitan; all the poking, pinching, gah! A lot more. How he’s so scared of the sea, of the little sea creatures; how I knew he was going to mention that shark part in Madagascar 2 when he started to talk about it! How he can sway his legs back and forth whenever we sit on the field benches because his feet wouldn’t/couldn’t touch the grass; his ‘Whut?!’ expression, accompanied by that look on his face I can’t describe. I can’t believe I pushed all of these at the back of my head. I missed him so damn much. I know I did.
***
And no matter where I go it’s always pouring all the same
These streets are filled with memories
Both perfect and in pain.
-Like A Knife, Secondhand Serenade
when pigs & penguins fly.. 