1. Who you want to be is not nearly as important as who you are right now.
2. You’ll be glad to know that all the people who are the best at what they do are also the people who are the best at being nice to the people around them.
3. Try new things. Have things to talk about when you’re old.
4. As soon as you think you’re done, you are. Keep growing. Never be done.
5. But love is none of these things. It won’t suddenly make every day ok. It won’t change who you are. It won’t make your car go faster. It doesn’t even wash your dishes. All love is, is love. And that’s all it needs to be, really.
6. The only thing we’ve written down happened yesterday. What you do today is a new page.
7. Before you can find it, you first have to decide what it is you’re looking for. (I realize that most times we chase after things either for the wrong reasons or for reasons not known at all. It’s no wonder why no matter how hard we try, we seem to keep failing.)
8. When you’re at the top, remember what if felt like at the bottom. When you’re at the bottom, remember what it felt like at the top. Good doesn’t last forever. Neither does bad.
9. If all you’re concerned about is winning, you’ll never stop worrying about losing.
10. Wait. But don’t wait too long. Work hard. But don’t forget how to play. Sing loudly. But don’t learn all the words. Wonder. But not so much that you lose yourself. Read magazines. But read more books. Love.
11. You don’t have to be the person you tell people you are. You can just be who you are.
12. Create. Not because you want to or because the mood grabs you or just because you happen to feel like it. Create because you need to. Because it feels like if you don’t, you might die.
13. If you’re looking for love, you won’t find it. If you’re not, you will.
14. If you jump, the universe will catch you. If you open your arms, the world will do the same.
15. The wall is there because you want it to be there. It stops you because you want it to. When you’re ready, it’ll fade away. And reveal the dreams beyond.
This year started with a bang, definitely. Firecrackers on the streets, fireworks in the sky. An exciting bang for some, a horrendous one for me.
I started 2008 with a broken heart and unfortunately, am ending it with another broken heart. This year seemed like an unending stream of bad luck, broken hearts, and swollen eyes. There’s the time when I had to break things off during New Year’s Eve, pay for my birthday, celebrate an even sadder Valentine’s Day, cut my trip to the Homeland short because of my stupid attacks, get someone back only to lose him yet again, discover things I’d rather not, endure painful philosophy classes for one whole semester, see my Mom live the single life, take care of my siblings and I, consider physical pain to escape all the emotional pain, watch my QPI fall even lower than ever and lose the friends I thought I’d never have. There were times I felt like just crashing my car somewhere along Katipunan or Quezon Avenue just to rid myself of all the emotional crap/weight I’ve been carrying on my shoulders for the past 11 months.
As I look back on the past year, all I can see is hurt, pain, suffering. Even as I type this entry, I can feel my chest growing heavier, my eyes wetter. I never imagined going through any of the things I did. I’m 19 years old. I’m supposed to be having fun, enjoying life, and living. I’m supposed to be happy, sweet, and carefree. Instead, I grew up instantly. I watched over what was left of my family, I nursed a heart that kept on breaking, and I turned 35. I was sad, bitter, and tired.
Despite my countless misfortunes this year, there were quite a few things I am very thankful for. To start off, I thank God for the numerous times he saved me (and my pocket) from shelling out thousands of pesos from repairs for almost hitting cars along EDSA, along Katipunan, along the Elliptical Road, and along several other main highways here in Manila. For the new friends I’ve met and formed deep bonds with. For the boys, who aren’t really my boys, who’ve helped mend my heart every time it broke (again). For Rockband and Omakase. For the true friends I found, after sifting through a hell-of-a-lot-of-deep-shit. For discovering courage amidst a walk in the valley of the shadow of death. For the mysterious appearance of his number as call received in my phone during my birthday and the many nights of free milk tea from Er Sao and McDonald’s. And for my siblings, who, despite our lack of expression of love for each other, continue showing their love in their own special way. For all these, I am thankful.
And now, for my personal THANK YOUs:
2008 wasn’t content with all the drama it was giving me so, as a Christmas and New Year present, it gave me one HUGE drama. Another sort of year-ender, to make sure my year ends with a bang! A BIG BANG.
THANK YOU..
..Tito Val, Tita Min, Tito Bomping, Tita Anne, and Ate Boogs. You know what’s been going on and I thank you for being there. You have no idea how much it means to me. To us.
..to Uncle M. and Aunty Yolanda, Lola and Kat. For their hospitality despite the occasion. Thank you for welcoming me into your home even if it was Christmas Day. Thank you for your insights, advices, and company. For your generosity and kindness. For making me feel at home and tending to my needs while I was under your roof. Aunty and Kat, for lending me your clothes when I came unprepared. Thank you.
..to Tita Pam, Isabel, and Pao. For also welcoming me into your home and feeding me lots of chocolates! I really think I gained at least two pounds while I was staying with you. Pao, I know I’ve talked to you once only during that dinner but I thank you for making me feel that I wasn’t the only one going through stuff like this. Tita Pam, for your ever-fashionable clothes but most of all, for the care, the concern you’ve shown. I missed that. Thank you. Isa, for sharing thy gayness with me through Dawson’s Creek. For helping me shop for clothes and driving for me. For going with me to the hospital and dealing with all those hospital paperwork and slow nurses, even if it was late already. For helping me look for another place to move in to even if it was New Year’s Eve already. I, too, miss waking up in the morning with you and your ever-present bunso syndrome aka I’m a princess!
..Nox. Your IM was unexpected but it meant so much to me. Thank you for checking up on me.
..to Aunty Girlie and those two boys. Aunty Girlie, even if we haven’t met, thank you for understanding my situation, what I’m going through. For the concern I’ve felt you had for me. The two little boys, for your greeting. The simple hello made me feel better.
..Diana and Gregory. Diane, for being so concerned about me and going with me when I got my stuff. For always having my back and making sure I don’t do anything stupid. Even after our talk, you came through for me. Thank you. Gus, for getting mad at me, I thank you. Despite being scared by your text message, I felt good. I knew deep down you were just worried and I am very thankful for that. I don’t know what else I can say to you. You’ve always been there even if you weren’t. I love you. 😀
..Jess, Mikee and Mikey. Jess, I know you were the one who told Mikee about it. I could sense you were concerned about me too that’s why you told him. Thank you. Mikee, even if you still don’t know how to spell my name right after three years of being friends, haha, I was very touched by your text message. I wasn’t expecting that. Thank you. Mikey, even if I had a feeling you just greeted me because Diane asked you about me, I still am thankful for that. Amidst all the confusion, I needed something good from the past to remember. Thank you.
As I sit here, dinner just finished with a bottle of San Miguel’s newest beer, I now thank all those who’ve made this year bearable and fun. Those who kept me alive and wanting to be alive despite all the crap I’ve had to deal with.
..BBB! Anne, Favian, Franz, Sel, Xianne. I found true friends in you guys. Thank you. Need I say more? Oh, I know. WASAKAN NAAAAA!
..Celadon. The EB, my fellow managers, flockies. Thank you. Honey, Francis, Christa, Jess, Migs, Ryan, Chaw, Chuck, Gin, Lence, Shanty, Mark Ong, Sid, Je, Kat Ong, Michelle, Amy, and Lindsey, Lester, Keith, Box, Kim, Matt and everyone else I’ve met, who became a part of my “list,” and groups I’ve facilitated in various Celadon projects. I don’t know what could’ve happened to me if I didn’t have you guys. Believe me when I say Celadon helped save my life. Thank you.
..Block A. You still are my one and only block even if I’ve shifted already.
..and God. For bringing me back, though not fully yet, but still. A step is better than no step at all. Thank you for taking care of me all this time.
***
-Stronger, Kanye West
when pigs & penguins fly.. 