Tag Archives: disappointed

More often than not, arguments begin because Person A did this or did that. Or so I believe. It was never me but he/she.

I realized that it was not always the case. I’m not a war-hungry freak or a conflict magnet. I don’t feed on starting arguments or discussions. Looking back, I’ve come to realize that some of these arguments and conflicts I face are brought about by my twisted thinking. I’ve been caught in several disagreements with past boyfriends, sometimes friends, because I believe that what I think should be, really is. The way I believe things should be, should be, even if they aren’t. If I believe the sky should be blue, it should always be blue. If I believe that milk can take away gas pain, then milk can do that, don’t even think about arguing with me. Recently, I’ve been having overblown fights with my boyfriend/best friend. The cause/s? He’s stupid. He should’ve realized that I wasn’t or am not *insert thing/s he should/shouldn’t have done* Sometimes, the fights come from feeling bad or sad, slowly evolving into my boyfriend being inconsiderate or stupid for not knowing what to do or not doing what he should do. Almost everyday, sad/angry messages are sent. I’ve always wondered why we keep on fighting. Why he doesn’t do or doesn’t know what to do and then I think of all the things he has done but it never is enough. I still wonder why he can’t or won’t do the things I know he should to avoid the same conflicts over and over again.

 

It’s not him. It’s me.

 

Thinking about the fights, the disappointments with the perfect Chinese boy I’ve been in love with for five years now, I realized that it’s me. I depend on my beliefs or wants being satisfied to be happy.

 

Exhibit A:

 

Ex-boyfriend #1: BRYAN
 

Even if I was clueless, innocent of how it was like to have a boyfriend, my idea of how a relationship should work or be, got the best of us.

"It’s my birthday, where’s the surprise?" "We’re eating out. Why am I paying?" "He knows my position in school, why isn’t he working hard to be as smart or at least, smart enough for me?"

 

I’m the girl. I’m supposed to be the one visited, brought home, treated but why not me? Why am I the one visiting him, surprising him, buying him the things he told me he wanted?

 

 

Exhibit B:

 

Ex-boyfriend #2: MIKEY

 

Despite his near-perfection, smart, good family background, cute, and possesses a vehicle, he still missed some marks with me.

 

"Why doesn’t he pick me up from class?" "Why doesn’t he hold my hand all the time?" "Why can’t he fight for what we had?"

 

He was the boy of my dreams, my Prince Charming. The one who saved me from terrible heart ache but why can’t he do these simple things?

 

Exhibit C:

 

Boyfriend/best friend

 

"Why can’t he think outside the box?" "Why can’t he try to find a way?" "Why doesn’t he do or give things, which he knows will make me happy?"

 

Everytime we argue, it’s because of my stupid, impossible expectations. I get upset, I think, "He’ll fix this tonight. He knows I’m mad." Instead, he sleeps it off, hoping I would feel better the next day. I see fruit salad on the way home and tell him, I think, "Oh, maybe he’ll surprise me with one when I get home!" Instead, he’s either A) waiting for me with the sentence, "Aww, you want fruit salad?" Instead of just surprising me with the fruit salad itself or B) he won’t even be at home waiting for me. I think, guys are supposed to make their girls happy by at least trying to give them what they want. Maybe I just give him too much love that he can no longer think of what might actually make me happy. 

Everyday, it’s the same. It’s as if conflicts and arguments are a must to survive the day. He’s a boy, I’m the girl, I think, "He probably got my hint." "Oh my god, he’s going to surprise me with that avocado I’ve been craving for all day!" But I always end up brokenhearted. He never gets the hint, I don’t get what I want 95% of the time (unless I tell him or I crack, shouting at him for being inconsiderate.) 
 

It really is sad, having to live with this everyday. I want to get rid of all the expectations to avoid conflict but then I realize, why should I? I think I’m entitled to a few things that would make me happy. The anger strikes. Why do I have to give up my expectations, why can’t he just fulfill them? He loves me, doesn’t he? Why doesn’t he think?

 

It’s me, isn’t it? It’s my fault I feel sad, disappointed and mad. I expect too much and it gets the best of me. Right now, I feel hunger but my anger overcomes it. Thus, the sudden surge of text. I need to write. I just feel so sad, disappointed, and angry that I am nearly brought to tears. I haven’t had the best of days in a while. This day was no different. Add that to the fact that I was tired and feeling sick, I wanted some fresh lumpia since I decided to sacrifice my two other rice meals every Friday. I never got it. Shallow as it may sound, it wasn’t the cause of my hodgepodge of a feeling right now. It was because all my boyfriend could say was, "Let’s get it. Let’s go." But we never did. Because it was followed with "I think may meat ‘yan." He wasn’t even sure. He didn’t even know what kind of fresh lumpia we were bound to get at this restaurant we were supposed to go to. He knew I was tired that’s why I decided to just go to this nearby resto instead of Goldilocks (where their fresh lumpia was surely made of pure vegetables because it was made of ubod). But that was it. All he said was it had meat. How does he know? Has he eaten fresh lumpia in that place? If fresh lumpia had meat in general, how sure was he that their fresh lumpia was not lumpiang ubod? Or if it were really fresh lumpia, why not go to a nearby Goldilocks and get me their fresh lumpia, which was all vegetable? 

 

It may seem too much but I’ve never demanded anything from him. I don’t tie him on a leash and prohibit him from going out. I don’t ask for gifts. I don’t ask him to pay for my meals or carry my stuff (unless I have to pick something up form the ground or tie my laces). I never asked for anything. I was tired and hungry, trying hard to fight the urge to eat rice. All I wanted was the effort, at least. I thought he’d gotten the hint, at least. Maybe he thought that a simple treat would make me feel better. But that was just it. A thought. He never was one to think about what would make me happy. He stopped trying with me. When we weren’t together, I’d tell him about how much I wanted a poppy seed muffin and voila! I’d be surprised with one. Personally delivered. Maybe it is just me. Maybe I expect too much. Maybe I do have a strange, twisted way of looking at things. But then again, I ask. Do I really?