Simple instructions. Respect. Love.

I’m not one to count, to demand, to ask. I won’t give you a list of all the times I’ve helped you and rub it in. I won’t demand things from you. I won’t ask anything from you. I give without taking. I help without expecting anything in return. But when the time comes that you start taking advantage of me and my goodness, I WILL STOP.

 
This goes out to everyone I know. Friends, family, acquaintances, officemates, even lover. I am good as good can get. I am loving as loving can be. But when the time comes that you abuse that, I won’t retaliate. I won’t attack. I will simply stop doing good to you, loving you, caring for you.
 
I just graduated. I’m supposed to be happy and deeply thankful for finally finishing college. Instead, I am apathetic and distressed. Some of my so-called friends were big disappointments. They don’t deserve to be called "friend" by anyone. They deserve to be called liars. Manipulative bitches. Poor souls.
 
For years I have kept quiet about a certain friend’s lies. I have done the same for yet another friend just last year. Yes, silent. They think they can get away with all their lies but no one does. For years, I have been quiet about my own feelings (at least those that run deeper than what I choose to express) too. I can only be silent for so long and I can only hold as many secrets as what my heart and conscience can. Not anymore.
 
I am not that special, I know. But I believe I deserve much more than what I’m getting from you. You of all people. All those years you hurt me, unintentional or not, I have been quiet. Up until we finally found each other, I have kept my silence. Not once did I demand any form of payment or justice from you for hurting me all those years. Now that we’ve found each other, I guess I hoped too much.
 
I don’t jot down all the times I’ve been there for you. I never asked for any payment. I was happy doing what I was doing for you. Was it so difficult to give me a little respect? A listening ear? An attentive mind?
 
You don’t listen to everything I say, especially the little things. And the little things matter the most. You tell me you listen, you do everything I ask but when? When they don’t count. I am appreciative. Thankful for all the other times I asked you and you listened, you answered. But its during those difficult times, times that I want to feel like you care about what I say, that you fail me. Need I start comparing?
 
I needed you to listen. I didn’t demand for you to answer to my every beck and call but just be there when I need you. To listen when I have simple instructions. To make me feel as if I matter. The things I do matter. What I think or say matter. At least make me believe that they do. But no. I’m not like any of your girls. The girls whose every word you pay attention to. The girls you woo when they get upset or when you try to attract them. I’m not the rich, beautiful, smart, fair-skinned stereotype you’ll do everything for. I’m just me. The friend who’s always there when you need her but when it’s her turn to need just a little bit of your full attention, poof.
 
You don’t show my mom enough respect. You rarely listen to the things I have to say. Our relationship has become 99% sorrys and apologies, 1% anger management. 
 
I am just a filler in your life. As difficult as it is for me to admit it but, I never got what I deserved. You never gave me the same attention you gave your ex-girlfriend. You never gave my family the same respect you gave her family. You never attempted to fix our problems the same way you tried fixing yours back then. I exist because it is convenient for you.
 
Not anymore.
 
I know what I deserve and what I deserve is a man. A man who will listen and pay close attention to every word I say, of every story I have to tell, of every request I may have to make. I deserve someone who will still give my family the respect due of them no matter how dysfunctional my relationship with them may be. I deserve someone who will prove himself to me when I start doubting. Someone who will show me the love I need even when I don’t need it. I deserve someone who will make me feel loved and special and will never ever have to make me feel like I’m not special. I deserve a man who will treat me like a lady not a slut.
 
I deserve a man who will love me and show me how much he loves me more than I love him or show everyone my love for him. I deserve this kind of man because I know I will give him all the love I have and all the love he deserves. All my support, my help, my care. 
 
I’m tired of being a martyr. All my love, support, care, attention will be directed to someone who will gladly show me the same without me having to beg for it.
 
 
 

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