Despite my ever-growing and strong love and preference for Chinese boys, I know I’m just wasting my time. There’s the Great Wall, there’s the playboy attitude and there’s the Chinese are meant for Chinese. I’m not being racist but we must admit, in the end, we do choose the one we’re similar to. Blacks go for Blacks, Whites to Whites, beggars to beggars, and rich to rich. It’s a mean, vicious cycle the world revolves in. And that makes me sad.
Right now, I feel like all my cheesiness, romanticism and idealism are pouring out into the open because they’re just draining themselves out of my system. I really have this strong gut feeling that sooner than I thought, I will suddenly stop with all this romance, love crap. I hope it doesn’t happen but I just feel that it will. And it’s about to happen real soon. Signs are starting to pop out one by one. I know it’s still far ahead but I’m really scared, I’ve always been scared of being alone in life. Yet somehow, the thought doesn’t seem to bother me anymore nowadays. That’s gotta be Sign #2. Shit.
I may stop caring for all the guys in the world but Chinese boys will always have leverage. Even if it’s just .00000001% only. The fact that I’m letting go, slowly stopping the fight to find that Chinese guy who will love me, is a sure sign that something’s up with me. Damn, I don’t want to be a workaholic woman at age 22 and still be working at age 85. I don’t want my heart to clam up and never open again. That’s just not who I am yet I fear it’s what I’m becoming. I hope I don’t have to blog about completely shutting myself to love. I may still appear like the old me, with all the emo blogs and posts, but to be honest, they’re merely for my amusement only. That’s just sad and mean. This is not me.
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I had to find just where you are.
-Love Remains the Same, Gavin Rossdale
when pigs & penguins fly.. 